ÂªÃ±Â¡Â§ ÂªÂ§hÂ®Âªff pÂªÂ®t II

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Mom's resting in the High Dependency Unit (HDU) at NUH for time being to be closely monitored for any new developments...mainly to monitor her blood pressure level.

She's gotten worse. I really couldn't understand a word she said. I had to guess what she wanted. When I was there she went for 2 head scans because the doctor couldn't find any blood clots in her head and he said the problem might be situated somewhere near her neck. They just needed to be sure whether it was a stroke or something else to give her the proper treatment. When I asked the doc that if it was a stroke, how was it possible that she could move her hands and legs even though I think she's losing her coordination. The answer wasn't what I had expected. I was informed that this is the most dangerous stroke of them all. All my mind could tell me was that my mother is dying...which is NOT true. It's just that I was being a drama queen like I always am.

Cik Kiah and Haikal, Cik Yati and Nor, Cik Nini came to visit. Cik Yati and Cik Nini beig my Mom's siblings openly cried when they heard the news. I think Cik Kiah managed to control her emotions pretty well. Uncle came too with my mom's favourite son and his girlfriend. It was unbreaking to see mom and uncle cried. They were always together and now they are separated by a distance. Cik Mamat and Cik Mail came later. They went there straight from work.

I hope mom get well soon. For her sake, I was willing to be civil to her son. But I could not stop thinking that if it wasn't for him, mom wouldn't be in this condition. He had always been and will always be her favourite child and nothing can change that ever.

Then when I came home, I received a call from Mrs Mohan, Camelia's form teacher. She told me to take whatever she was going to tell me calmly. She told me so so seriously that it scared me a bit. And what she had to tell me was so...out of the blue. She told me Camelia was crying in school...and threatened to kill herself. She took a pair of scissors and tried to stab her stomach with it. Her friends took those away. She then wrote letters to some of her classmates, saying she wanted to commit suicide at home where there are many knives available and doing it in school is wasn't convenient because there were too many people around...that nobody in her family loves her.

Mrs MOhan told me to keep a watchful eye on her. She advised me to talk to another member of the family (I did. I talked to Siti and told her to keep this between the 2 of us.) In school, she will get a counselor for Camelia while she urged me to have somebody talk to her.

I called Camelia to my room and I asked her gently what happened in school and she just broke down. After talking to her quietly and gently about how we all love her..in different ways..., she finally told me what was bothering her. She felt unloved by her father and step mom who was more preoccupied with her other 2 daughters and her unborn child.

I tried to make her understand but how could an almost 12-year-old kid take the fact that her father and step mom were neglecting her? I could be a surrogate mom to her. I have been that for the last 5 years. Ash has been her surrogate father all her life but it ain't the same.

I understood how she felt. I was from a broken family too. My father loves me but he moved away from me...and I didn't see him for like 16-17 years. I have a mother who loves my younger sibling more than she could ever love me. I too used to have suicidal thoughts in my life when I was about 8 or 9. I used to think I would be better off dead but I never did put my thoughts into actions. I'm chicken and also because I thought I still have a long way to go before I die. At least Camelia has me. I had nobody but myself. I remember I used to have conversations with myself. I even had a diary.

Anyway, I told Camelia to talk to me about any problems she might have in school, in her personal life or even with me because I know what a nag I could be. I told her we are best friends. I told her stuff that I could never tell Ash or any other person and I hope she does the same too. I told her if she couldn't tell me verbally, she could write me a note, anything as long as she doesn't keep everything inside because that is gonna gnawed at her heart slowly.

I told Siti to talk to her brother so we could all do something about it before Camelia attempts to do another act. I made her promised not to tell MIL or Ash. I don't want them to worry..or scold ..or beat the kid.

To calm her, to make her feel better, I told her to take a shower and I shampooed her hair, teaching her how to really wash her hair free of dandruff. She has lots. I told her to say 2 kalimah syahadat wherever the need to hurt herself comes up again.

Poor thing! Aunty loves you Camelia. Don't ever doubt that.

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, May 16, 2006

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