ÂªÃ±Â¡Â§ ÂªÂ§hÂ®Âªff pÂªÂ®t II

Monday, May 22, 2006

I'm eating Cadbury marble chocolate bar as I type this. I feel a headache is coming slowly but surely on the right side of my brain. Eating Cadbury is one of my hobbies especially when I'm depressed.

There are so many things to say but I don't know exactly where to start.

The good thing is Mum is getting better but of course expecting her to walk again at this stage is too high a hope. She laughed...she cried a bit...she even started a minor therapy session just now. Right now our main concern is...who is gonna take care of her while we are out to work? We thought of hiring a maid ( we meaning me and bro...yah yah I called him my bro again once more :p) but my salary and Ash's isn't enough. Do you know we had to earn at least 30K per year before we are eligible to have a maid? My bro earns more than us combined but because he is in his current employment for just 3 months...it's a no go. The social worker assigned to our case talked to us about Mum's post hospitalisation care, gave us tips and hints on how to start the process but in the end it's all up to my bro. He got the cash.

Even though we are on talking terms again, there are moments when I resent the fact that I have to speak to him. I resent the fact that my mother's eyes lit up so obviously whenever he came to visit her. My presence doesn't mean that much to her. Me being there don't excite her as much as her son's presence. There are moments when I wanted to shout at her, shake her as hard as I could as I scream, "I was here for the past 7 days since you got here...How come you don't appreciate me the same way as that person who didn't visit you 3 days straight?" Pointless, I know.

I hate the fact that my bro asked me to pay half the cost of Mum's stay in rehab centre which is about $250. It might not be much to some of you but to me that money could be used for a month's marketing with some cash left. He beladi knows how much I got paid and after paying this and that, how much can I have? He can afford to pay all the expenses if he wants to. I would have paid all the costs if I could afford it. But I can't say no without appearing stingy. This is about Mum anyway. Still I have to talk this over with Ash.

Camelia has me to talk to if she's troubled. She even have those 1800 numbers to call if she ever feels depressed. Who do I have? Ash. My husband. The best I ever had. But because I love him that much, I don't want to pour my angst on him. I could have called him at work but why should I disturb him? He has his own problems to think of and I don't want to add on any more. I lost my best friend the minute she resigned. I should have known better than to think that we can stay as friends forever. She is way too busy to even sms me. There is no one else I want to confide in. So here I am with my Cadbury bar and my blog...blabbing on about my life like I always did.

Unfaithful by Rihanna

Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
Cause it seems that wrong
Really loves my company

He's more than a man
And this is more than love
The reason that this guy is blue
The clouds are rolling in
Because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true

And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer

I feel it in the air
As I'm doing my hair
Preparing for another day
A kiss up on my cheek
He's here reluctantly
As if I'm gonna be out late
I say I won't be long
Just hanging with the girls
A liar didn't have to tell
Because we both know
Where I'm about to go
And we know it very well

Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer

His trust
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head
Get it over with
I don't wanna do this
Anymore (anymore)

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer (a murderer)

No no no no

Yeah yeah yeah

I know this song is not suitable in my situation but I need to hear a really depressing song and this song popped into my head when I was in the train on the way home from NUH.

i'm watching you...
Monday, May 22, 2006

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