ÂªÃ±Â¡Â§ ÂªÂ§hÂ®Âªff pÂªÂ®t II

Sunday, May 28, 2006

38.4 degrees Celcius. That was my temperature early this morning.

I think he is shirking is duty to be by Mum's side. He was not working today and yet when I came there, he had already left. Uncle told me he stayed for 1/2 an hour. I stayed till 7+. I was feeling so lethargic and tomorrow I have to go to work. I spent no time with Ash since Mum's hospitalisation...but he...he could go here and there. I don't even know whether that was because of work or pleasure. It isn't fair. He got a car, I don't. He got lots of cash, I'm always broke. He got to spend time with his girlfriend while I didn't get to see my husband off to work.

I sms Ash just now. I asked him nicely if it was ok for me to lock our bedroom when I go to work. I just hate it when MIL came into our room and do the cleaning up. I appreciate her labour but isn't my bedroom my own? My sanctuary? My escape when I need time alone? Ash said it was up to me. I wish he would be a little firm when this is concerned. I know I'm a messy person. I like it that way. In my messiness that is order.What I really wanted to do was to tell MIL to stay the fuck away from my room. Intrusion of privacy. Why couldn't she let me have a bit of authority about this? She already had a way in the kitchen, in the living room, her own bedroom. Must she poke her interfering nose in my room?

Frankly I wasn't happy when Camelia told me the kids were put in the cage because grandma wanted to clean up my room. Fuck her! Get lost! Stay away! Leave my fakking room alone lah.

38.0 degrees Celcius

i'm watching you...
Sunday, May 28, 2006

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Mom's getting better. She can talk clearer. I don't have much difficulty understanding her like I used to.

Somebody 2 beds down from Mum is dying, I think. Her children and in laws and relatives came over for what might have been a last reunion. I didn't know the old woman but it was touching all the same to see how much she meant to her family. Some were sniffling, some were openly crying. My eyes were slightly moist too. And I'm thankful that even though Mum is bedridden for the time being, at least she's still around.

I got into a slight tiff with Ash yesterday. I wanted to visit Mum earlier because I wasn't there the day before. I wanted him to accompany me. You know how long since I had time alone with him...just the two of us? He told me yeah he was going...could we go in the afternoon. Afternoon came and he still stuck to the bed. Obviously he didn't want to go. Couldn't he just tell me so instead of making me wait?

I was mad. I was angry. He always did this to me. My side of the family means peanuts to him. I was feeling hurt. When his mother was admitted to the ward, I had always, always visit her....no matter how tired I was. I told him it was ok...I reminded him "ada lori ada bas". I have never been vengeful where Ash s concerned but I was beladi angry.

After a few nasty SMS where I told him to go to hell and I meant it at that point, he told me I treated him like shit even when he's my husband. Huh? If I was really doing what he had accused me of, would I have stayed so long? Would I have moved in with him? Would I have stayed when he was recovering from stroke? I could have left him there and then but I didn't because I love him no matter what. No appreciation at all.

I would have loved to reply to that message with a scathing remark but I didn't. I didn't want to make the matter worse. I tried to console myself he wasn't there with me because of his damn fever. He is such a baby when he falls sick. What I did say was for him to go and kiss his family's asses...all of them.He cares more about them than me. Am I being selfish? Yes...maybe...but couldn't he at least spend a little bit more time with me?

I always wanted to live on my own but I couldn't ask MIL to move out...can I? Where would she go? Though she claims she can stay with anyone anywhere, but how can I do that to her? No matter what my reasons are, I would be labeled a devilish daughter-in-law by her, by her children, by whoever who knows her.

It's really a daunting task living with somebody else's mother even if she is the very epitome of all that is good and angelic.

I feel so weak and sleepy. I got the virus from Ash. But still go I must to the hospital.

i'm watching you...
Sunday, May 28, 2006

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Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Now is a good time to get into a fight and punch some bitch in the face. An alternative is to beat up a punching bag which I regret to say I don't have one. Arghhhhh the frustration!

Camelia failed her exams quite badly. She had already been told before that if she fails her exams, she can't go to the camp trip or to Melaka with her grandma. And now she did fail and what did Ash? Allow her to go Melaka because his mum is going all by herself. BULLCRAP! She's bringing another grandchild with her - Puteri, Camelia's younger sister. He put me in a difficult situation when he asked me what was my decision. My decision? Mine?? That was very clever of him to put the responsibility on me...solely on me. So if I said no...what does that mean? I'll be the bad guy and you are the good guy. Beladi hell! If it was up to me, I will definitely say no. And knowing MIL very well, she'll go around complaining to the rest of the family, saying I was the one not giving way.

I hate the fact that MIL took it for granted that Ash would agree and my hubby did agree, the beladi idiot. Is this some kind of new punishment? Reward the kid with trip back to kampung when she fail her exams? Sometimes it is so beladi frustrating when you told the kid one thing and somebody else overwrites your authority. Like I said before, why did I ever bother to discipline Camelia if MIL is being this interfering pain in my ass? I can't call her a bitch. It's rude lah nabey.

And Ash...I could beladi well hit his head tadi. What an ass! And I don't mean his butt. Sometimes he can be such an asshole. Dah lah tu...dia mintak mak dia duit. I am so mortified. She's not working and we are and we are using her money. I don't know why but today I am such a nag and I couldn't help nagging at him when what I really wanted to do was to lash out at his mother.

The thing about me is I can be such poop head myself. I couldn't bring myself to hurt MIL's feelings even though sometimes she grates on my nerves. So what I do is nag at her son instead to let off steam.

I should really look around for an affordable punching bag. I need it so much right now.

i'm watching you...
Wednesday, May 24, 2006

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Tuesday, May 23, 2006

I'm extremely fragile now as if anytime I could be broken. I don't want to fall apart...at least not in public but it's so hard to be strong when you got nothing to hold on to.

Yesterday night as I laid on my bed to sleep, the tears just came after 5 days of dormant solitude. I SMS Ash, telling him how much I love him, informing him I was crying. He called me and hearing his voice soothed me a bit but I do wish he was beside me last night, holding me tight in his arms.

I'm on the way to work when I don't want to be, not after last night. I don't have the strength to drag myself out of the dumps. Maybe being at work among friends would distract me momentarily from my misery.

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, May 23, 2006

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Monday, May 22, 2006

I'm eating Cadbury marble chocolate bar as I type this. I feel a headache is coming slowly but surely on the right side of my brain. Eating Cadbury is one of my hobbies especially when I'm depressed.

There are so many things to say but I don't know exactly where to start.

The good thing is Mum is getting better but of course expecting her to walk again at this stage is too high a hope. She laughed...she cried a bit...she even started a minor therapy session just now. Right now our main concern is...who is gonna take care of her while we are out to work? We thought of hiring a maid ( we meaning me and bro...yah yah I called him my bro again once more :p) but my salary and Ash's isn't enough. Do you know we had to earn at least 30K per year before we are eligible to have a maid? My bro earns more than us combined but because he is in his current employment for just 3 months...it's a no go. The social worker assigned to our case talked to us about Mum's post hospitalisation care, gave us tips and hints on how to start the process but in the end it's all up to my bro. He got the cash.

Even though we are on talking terms again, there are moments when I resent the fact that I have to speak to him. I resent the fact that my mother's eyes lit up so obviously whenever he came to visit her. My presence doesn't mean that much to her. Me being there don't excite her as much as her son's presence. There are moments when I wanted to shout at her, shake her as hard as I could as I scream, "I was here for the past 7 days since you got here...How come you don't appreciate me the same way as that person who didn't visit you 3 days straight?" Pointless, I know.

I hate the fact that my bro asked me to pay half the cost of Mum's stay in rehab centre which is about $250. It might not be much to some of you but to me that money could be used for a month's marketing with some cash left. He beladi knows how much I got paid and after paying this and that, how much can I have? He can afford to pay all the expenses if he wants to. I would have paid all the costs if I could afford it. But I can't say no without appearing stingy. This is about Mum anyway. Still I have to talk this over with Ash.

Camelia has me to talk to if she's troubled. She even have those 1800 numbers to call if she ever feels depressed. Who do I have? Ash. My husband. The best I ever had. But because I love him that much, I don't want to pour my angst on him. I could have called him at work but why should I disturb him? He has his own problems to think of and I don't want to add on any more. I lost my best friend the minute she resigned. I should have known better than to think that we can stay as friends forever. She is way too busy to even sms me. There is no one else I want to confide in. So here I am with my Cadbury bar and my blog...blabbing on about my life like I always did.

Unfaithful by Rihanna

Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
Cause it seems that wrong
Really loves my company

He's more than a man
And this is more than love
The reason that this guy is blue
The clouds are rolling in
Because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true

And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer

I feel it in the air
As I'm doing my hair
Preparing for another day
A kiss up on my cheek
He's here reluctantly
As if I'm gonna be out late
I say I won't be long
Just hanging with the girls
A liar didn't have to tell
Because we both know
Where I'm about to go
And we know it very well

Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer

His trust
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head
Get it over with
I don't wanna do this
Anymore (anymore)

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer (a murderer)

No no no no

Yeah yeah yeah

I know this song is not suitable in my situation but I need to hear a really depressing song and this song popped into my head when I was in the train on the way home from NUH.

i'm watching you...
Monday, May 22, 2006

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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Mom's resting in the High Dependency Unit (HDU) at NUH for time being to be closely monitored for any new developments...mainly to monitor her blood pressure level.

She's gotten worse. I really couldn't understand a word she said. I had to guess what she wanted. When I was there she went for 2 head scans because the doctor couldn't find any blood clots in her head and he said the problem might be situated somewhere near her neck. They just needed to be sure whether it was a stroke or something else to give her the proper treatment. When I asked the doc that if it was a stroke, how was it possible that she could move her hands and legs even though I think she's losing her coordination. The answer wasn't what I had expected. I was informed that this is the most dangerous stroke of them all. All my mind could tell me was that my mother is dying...which is NOT true. It's just that I was being a drama queen like I always am.

Cik Kiah and Haikal, Cik Yati and Nor, Cik Nini came to visit. Cik Yati and Cik Nini beig my Mom's siblings openly cried when they heard the news. I think Cik Kiah managed to control her emotions pretty well. Uncle came too with my mom's favourite son and his girlfriend. It was unbreaking to see mom and uncle cried. They were always together and now they are separated by a distance. Cik Mamat and Cik Mail came later. They went there straight from work.

I hope mom get well soon. For her sake, I was willing to be civil to her son. But I could not stop thinking that if it wasn't for him, mom wouldn't be in this condition. He had always been and will always be her favourite child and nothing can change that ever.

Then when I came home, I received a call from Mrs Mohan, Camelia's form teacher. She told me to take whatever she was going to tell me calmly. She told me so so seriously that it scared me a bit. And what she had to tell me was so...out of the blue. She told me Camelia was crying in school...and threatened to kill herself. She took a pair of scissors and tried to stab her stomach with it. Her friends took those away. She then wrote letters to some of her classmates, saying she wanted to commit suicide at home where there are many knives available and doing it in school is wasn't convenient because there were too many people around...that nobody in her family loves her.

Mrs MOhan told me to keep a watchful eye on her. She advised me to talk to another member of the family (I did. I talked to Siti and told her to keep this between the 2 of us.) In school, she will get a counselor for Camelia while she urged me to have somebody talk to her.

I called Camelia to my room and I asked her gently what happened in school and she just broke down. After talking to her quietly and gently about how we all love her..in different ways..., she finally told me what was bothering her. She felt unloved by her father and step mom who was more preoccupied with her other 2 daughters and her unborn child.

I tried to make her understand but how could an almost 12-year-old kid take the fact that her father and step mom were neglecting her? I could be a surrogate mom to her. I have been that for the last 5 years. Ash has been her surrogate father all her life but it ain't the same.

I understood how she felt. I was from a broken family too. My father loves me but he moved away from me...and I didn't see him for like 16-17 years. I have a mother who loves my younger sibling more than she could ever love me. I too used to have suicidal thoughts in my life when I was about 8 or 9. I used to think I would be better off dead but I never did put my thoughts into actions. I'm chicken and also because I thought I still have a long way to go before I die. At least Camelia has me. I had nobody but myself. I remember I used to have conversations with myself. I even had a diary.

Anyway, I told Camelia to talk to me about any problems she might have in school, in her personal life or even with me because I know what a nag I could be. I told her we are best friends. I told her stuff that I could never tell Ash or any other person and I hope she does the same too. I told her if she couldn't tell me verbally, she could write me a note, anything as long as she doesn't keep everything inside because that is gonna gnawed at her heart slowly.

I told Siti to talk to her brother so we could all do something about it before Camelia attempts to do another act. I made her promised not to tell MIL or Ash. I don't want them to worry..or scold ..or beat the kid.

To calm her, to make her feel better, I told her to take a shower and I shampooed her hair, teaching her how to really wash her hair free of dandruff. She has lots. I told her to say 2 kalimah syahadat wherever the need to hurt herself comes up again.

Poor thing! Aunty loves you Camelia. Don't ever doubt that.

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, May 16, 2006

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Mom is being warded at NUH. Her blood pressure shot up so I guess it's a mild stroke attack. Luckily for her she can still move her hands and legs and her mouth ain't pulled to one side. The only sign of her having a stroke is her slurring when she speaks.

Right now she's still waiting for a bed. God...how many people got admitted per night sampai tak de katil untuk mak aku. The plan was to put her in B2 but they might put her in Class C for the time being. Once there is a bed available in B2, they'll transfer her there immediately.

Of course I had to lay my eyes on the person whose name I can't meantion. What an asshole! I thought I would bring uncle home with me. I forced Ash to go talk to the fakker because I don't ever want to talk to him. The fakker refused. Whatever! I only wanted to ease his burden but since dia nak step abang-abang lobang dengan aku, I let him be. Jangan besok lusa nak wal wel dengan aku.

I told his girlfriend to keep me posted about Mom. I think I won't be going to work tomorrow...again. I will go visit her tomorrow.

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, May 16, 2006

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Tuesday, May 09, 2006

I was very pissed with the both of you yesterday, old woman and kid. Both of you didn't give me any face.

Kid, when I said you have to do something, you have to do it. Not that I ask you to do anything stupid or which endanger your life. When I said go home, eat lunch and study, that's exactly what I expect you to do and not following me and your grandma to the hospital in your school uniform, and you not having lunch and having exams for the whole week this week.

I'm so sick of nagging you about the same thing over and over and over again. I had told you countless times before that there are times when you should do what you have to do without being told. Do I have to tell you every single day to open up your schoolbooks and study? What about hanging your uniform when you reach home? Ironing your uniform or washing your school shoes? Tidying up the bed after doing your homework on it? I don't understand the concept of taking out all the contents of your bag and then strewn them all over the room, messing up everything. You just don't care much about cleanliness or neatness for that matter. Do I have to say everything twice, thrice?

I had told you I had always regarded you like my own daughter. I would have treated her the same way I treated you. My kids will not behave the way you did. Of course they'll be naughty. That's part of growing up but they will not talk back, they will be obedient to their elders to a certain extent and they will definitely be respectful. If you were really mine, I would have beaten you up real good.

Old woman, when I said no it's really no. So what if she cries bloody tears? With the way you are bringing her up all this while, is there any doubt why she turns out the way she is now? You got no one else to blame except yourself. You let her have her way too many times too often. And when she didn't listen or being rude to you, you come to me to discipline her. I can do so much but you want to over write my authority why do I even bother? I was angry at you as I was at her but you being the elder, I just can't ignore you like that. That's plain rude and my mother taught me better that.

So the kid feel the heat of my anger more. I refused to talk to her or even look at her. Because of you both I had a tiff with Ash. I hated being in that kind of situation because it only shows me that he cares more for you than me. I don't want to be second best in anything.

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, May 09, 2006

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Thursday, May 04, 2006

My next door neighbour's wife is going home to India with her son. Even as I type this, they might already be on the way to Changi airport in her hubby's cab. She'll be gone for 2 whole months. 2 months!!!

I'm gonna miss Vinesh, her 2 year old son. He's my adopted son. He's so adorable but can be a little bit naughty at times. He can call me aunty clearly now. He often smiles. So cute! Quite a change from before when he used to frown and had a permanent confused look on his face.

Vanathy told us yesterday she didn't see her family for a year. Wow! That long. Mani won't be going. Tickets are expensive...$1000 per person. He's staying behind to drive his cab and pay the house bills. How he can go through 60 days without his wife and kid is a wonder. I don't think I can bear the separation of that duration with Ash.

i'm watching you...
Thursday, May 04, 2006

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Tuesday, May 02, 2006

What a loser you turn put to be!

I had lost respect for you long before you became this way...since the day you promised my hubby you had a job for him but in the end you had nothing at all, just empty words.

There's no use calling our house. We ain't gonna entertain you no more. And the vicious things you said.

You wanted to come over, bringing along a couple of religious persons with you. Whatever for? Me being a protective mother hen, informed you that we were all going out...MIL to Siti's place, me and Ash somewhere else. You asked me where MIL was and I told you she was doing some marketing downstairs. When you asked about Ash, I lied and told you he wasn't home yet when he was actually just came in from work. You got angry, saying I shouldn't interfere, that I was just married to his nephew, that I "menumpang" in the house like I'm some kind of bum, that Ronzie was unhappy with me for calling his children monkey (which I admit I did...in a teasing kind of way)that I don't pray and the rest of the bullshit I didn't hear when I passed the phone to Ash. The only thing I heard Ash said was hello and then he listened silently while you ranted and raved like a madman...which I think you are.

When you hung up, I was in tears. How dare you??!! Have I got no right? I am Ash's wife and I got all the fakking right in the world. If you had said all this 3 weeks ago I would have accepted it quietly. You dare to preach when your own children fak up and have no respect for you? At least I didn't get myself pregnant during the 3 years I lived with Ash.

Later I found out that you complained to Ronzie and his wife Mas that I was rude to you, I hung up the phone before you had finished talking which is a direct lie. Beladi moronic baldie! If you want to accuse me of anything, at least be truthful about it and not exaggerate the stories to make yourself the victim. PHUITTTT!!!

You are a loser...That's what you are. There is no other way to describe you. LOSER!

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, May 02, 2006

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