ÂªÃ±Â¡Â§ ÂªÂ§hÂ®Âªff pÂªÂ®t II

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

I am such a softie *hentak pala kat tembok*

Remember how pissed off I am towards my eldest sista-in-law? I didn't talk to her since that fateful night Ash showed me the sms. I don't even want to see her face.

But everything changed last night when she came over with her husband. Aku pun tak tau napa aku nak gi berbual dengan dia but I did. I guess I'm not that hard after all even though I often claimed I was.

If Mas knew about this...mampos aku kena kutuk dengan dia.

Anyway what's the point of cold war when both of them are changing for the better already?

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, January 31, 2006

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I had a dream.

I dreamt I was working at Seagate. I had worked there several times before. I remember I brought Poo and Seno in the cage and placed them in the locker. Seagate do have lockers for its workers but it's not that big. In my dream the locker was big to fit the cats' cage. I left Seno in there but I brought Poo along with me. I put food and some water in the locker too.

Then I saw these group of villains. Can't remember much about them but they came to know I brought the kids with me. They threatened to harm my children. So I smuggled Poo and Seno into my workplace. As I walked past security, my heart was beating so fast, I was sweating profusely. I walked quickly, trying to cover my deed by placing a bag right in front of me as I carried the kids. I escaped unnoticed.

I didn't know what the villains wanted from harming my kids. When they found out both kids were gone, the bad people were furious but my kids were safe.

The End.

When I woke up, I called Poo to me and hugged her. Seno refused to come. She is such a lazy bum...like her papa.

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, January 31, 2006

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Sunday, January 29, 2006

Some guys are superficial and morons I forgot that they most often than not think with their dicks rather than with their brains.

Recently I started to subscribe once again to Anak Melayu. I was so bored then and so I thought I should start making friends there once again. I sent many sticky notes and virtual kisses to people in my age group, not expecting much. So far I got a few good conversationist.

There was this guy I know. Good looks like Hindi hero, seems like a gentleman from the way he chatted. He asked me out tonight...only a few minutes ago. I thought maybe we go to Northpoint KFC. I am so lazy to go far since I just got back from Kluang. I asked him whether I could bring a chaperone...a kid along. He kept asking who who. Beladi idiot! When I said it was my niece he said " orang nak ajak dia keluar, dia nak bawak anak sedara dia pulak". What's wrong with bringing Camelia along? I told him since I'm an engaged woman I should bring someone to accompany me before some makcik Joyah buat citer. He said " since you are already engaged, let's not meet". Babi punya jantan kan tu?

How can I not think that he had some other motives for asking me out? Oh I know about these kind of guys lah. They ask you out, anywhere you wanna go, then bring you to some place lonely, then either seduce you or rape you. Please lah...I've been around so long, I know all these tricks. The reason I no longer go out with strangers is because of this. Dorang mesti nak bawak aku relek kat satu tempat to romen.

Why don't you meet me somewhere public..talk...laugh...you know stuff friends normally do? Harap je muka hensem tapi perangai macam sial.

Ladies...beware of buayas like that. They just want your pukis only.

i'm watching you...
Sunday, January 29, 2006

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Tuesday, January 24, 2006

It has been this way this between us - angry and nasty 1 moment, loving couple the next. Maybe I do the apologising too often but it doesn't make me a smaller person which I'm already am in terms of body size. I'm willing to admit my mistake if it could lessen the tension and make everybody's lives better because he can be such a grouch when we have a fight.

I can't bear to see him giving up without even trying. I have always believed in him, have always supported him in everything he did. Seeing him lose his confidence is so heartbreakingly sad because he has never been that way before. I am such an insecured person that I need somebody strong enough to be with me.

Confiding in you doesn't help much like it used to be. Instead of feeling relieved, I felt even worse because you are not totally with me 100%. I think you are just tolerating my presence. I feel cheated because I have always been there for you even when you don't want me around.

Maybe it's just me. I'm becoming paranoid and more petty.

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, January 24, 2006

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Monday, January 23, 2006

Fancy making a big fuss over a kid's composition.

You'll always be a loser if you think and behave like one. Don't talk to me about positive thinking when you yourself don't practise what you preach. At least I have the guts to admit that I'm a pessimist. How could I not be when my life sucks?

Anyway there are people who are worse off than you but they are still smiling. The problem with you is you are not thankful for what you have. You are always complaining and doubts keep on creeping into my head about your attitude at work. I don't want to be unloyal and so I squash all uncertainties.

You talked of shame but I am never ashamed being seen with you. If I ever feel a drop of shame, I would have walked out a long time ago.

Times like these make me wonder if we should be together at all. I never wanted a marriage like my previous one or like my aunties and uncles who are always arguing over something or another. I have always thought marriage is forever. It might not be smooth sailing but I want my kids to know that whatever happens they will always have their mama and papa by their sides.

The thing to do right now is to keep quiet. No point shouting when we are not listening to the other.

i'm watching you...
Monday, January 23, 2006

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Sunday, January 22, 2006

I have always loved to ride big motorbikes...as a pillion rider of course. I'm too chicken to ride on my own. Besides I don't even know how to ride a bicycle. Result of a deprived childhood and of an overprotective parent.

I love bikes. It doesn't matter if the rider looks like dog's shit but if his bike is big and handsome...that's cool. You got me good baby.

I love to feel the wind in my face as I close my eyes to savor the moment...or is it because the wind is too strong for my eyes to be wide open? I love to feel the wind in my hair as it becomes all tangled up and messy after which is quite a task to remove all tangles. But most of all I love the intimacy and the closeness when you ride pillion. I love the feeling of coziness as he puts his hand on your thigh while he's talking to you.

I miss the sensation of being that close to someone...someone that I love. Too bad Ash doesn't ride * sigh*

i'm watching you...
Sunday, January 22, 2006

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Wednesday, January 18, 2006

As I watch you move
I want to reach out and touch your skin
I want to run my fingers through your hair
I want to feel your lips against mine, kissing you oh so gently
I want to rub myself against your body, teasing you till you go mad with desire
I want to touch your chest softly, feel your heart beatig beneath
I want to be in your arms and stare at you with nothing but love in my eyes
I want to do all these...like I used to do once before

i'm watching you...
Wednesday, January 18, 2006

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Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Are you feeling guilty? You shouldn't be if you don't have feelings for me anymore. Does this mean you still love me...in spite of your claim you don't?

I never hate you for breaking my heart. You had to do that to make me get over you. The problem is I thought I had already done that but I haven't. It's so hard to when I could still see us in my mind.

How can you say you are not a good person when you apologised for hurting me? I had already forgiven you. I really have no regrets about us. Not one bit.

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, January 17, 2006

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Monday, January 16, 2006

Sorry for what I did with you. This means nothing and no need to ask why, also need not reply. I just felt like telling you this. Take care bye.

A sms that I didn't expect to get...especially from him. I cried when I read it. I brought back memories I still can't forget. And here I thought I had finally gotten over him because it doesn't hurt so much to see him now. I was so wrong.

I still have feelings for him. He will always be special to me. He was there when I needed someone to love him. He loved me....he treasured me...he held me...he was simply there for me. And I love him for that. Even if our relationship turned sour soon after because of his demands, I still care. Till now.

Though he told me not to reply, I did. I told him I have no regrets about whatever that had happened between us...the good and the bad. I just wish we could be friends even if we can never be together.

no lah I feel I don't deserve it. sorry I can't be your normal friend also. I just wish u all happiness

I asked him did he hate me that much...I don't expect him to talk to me but he could have at least smiled at me...couldn't he?

no now I am feeling that I must hate myself. I will be the same as I am now please pardon me.

I wish I could tell him straight in the face that I still care even if he doesn't. And that he will always have a special place in my heart.

i'm watching you...
Monday, January 16, 2006

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Monday, January 09, 2006

It hurts when the 1 person you care about never really accept you as part of the family.

I followed Ash to this employment agency. He filled up a form as per normal when applying for jobs. When it came to info family particulars, I had expected him to include my name under the heading fiancee or wife-to-be but...no. He put his mum's and 3 siblings' names. I'm fine with his mum's name there. She is living with him...but his siblings?? They have their own families, their own homes and they are not living with us so why do they have the honour in his application form? I don't think they put his name in their job application forms. They would have put their family members' particulars - their spouses',their children's - instead of his. Ash asked me to put my name as the next of kin to call in cases of emergencies.

I never felt this unwanted before and it makes me feel so sad.

i'm watching you...
Monday, January 09, 2006

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I dreamt of him whose name I don't ever wanna mentioned I and mum pleaded with him to change, to work any jobs he could find but he just sat there unfeeling, without remorse. I reminded him of how much our mother loves him about how as the older sibling I always gave in to him but it all fell on deaf ears. He asked for money, I refused him. I remember seeing Cik Kiah in my dream. She had bought mum lots of packets of ketupat Adabi and she demanded payment. Mum went in her room to search for whatever money she could find. She found some Malaysian currency. I told her to keep it and took out my wallet. I paid $40 and as I was paying Cik Kiah, he came in and took my 7260 handphone on mom's bed which I don't remember of ever putting it there. $2 fell out from my wallet. He snatched it and started walking to the front door. I followed him to take back my handphone (that's my life) but before I could take it away from him, I woke up. Alamakkkk!!!

i'm watching you...
Monday, January 09, 2006

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Sunday, January 08, 2006

I am feeling so cranky right at this moment. I want to swear at somebody...hit someone...kick maybe...anything...just to be rid of this resentment within. I really should get myself a punching bag...soon.

I met up with my mum early this evening. We talked...cried a little. But we patched things up. I told her about my marriage plans which I planned to be in March...insyallah. I told her about my recent phone call to my sweet old man in Kluang. I told her about my suggestion of selling the Jurong West house she and Uncle are staying now...and get her a rental house somewhere near me. I told her to forget she ever had a son...because I no longer had a brother. Yeah...things could be looking up for her and Uncle...

I feel so isolated from everybody I know. Nobody really understands me. Sometimes even I myself scratch my head in bewilderment at my behaviour. I feel so goddamn lost...and friendless...and pathetic....and that pisses me off. Does it really matter because when I die, I'll die alone.

Such morbid thoughts when I should be a lil bit happy.

Anyway, Monday I might have to go to the Yishun mosque ( nama apa...aku tak tau...I am always confused about such Arabic names). I will slowly combust myself there. Have to go there and register myself and Ash for the pre marriage courses. I'm not sure if I have to go. I had attended the course before. A lil bit expensive. $115 for 4 days. If I don't have to attend, we'll save some money. Blood suckers!

Same old person...with different marital status. But you are the same old boring you. You can really yak and yak and yak about your entire weekend. I don't know why I even bother to read a page. Maybe just to irritate you. Maybe waiting for the right time to find an opening to attack you. Or maybe just to sharpen my sarcasm skills...which come to think of it...is a waste to spend on you. You are such a thick-skinned moron you won't appreciate my sarcasm. Oblivious idiot!

I think I should go and sleep. Maybe suck Ash's dick. That would definitely soothes me.

Oh I forgot. Went shopping for some stuff for the kids. A bell for Poo. She lost hers few weeks ago. A plastic ball with a bell inside to entertain them. They are such hyper beings. Few cans of can food. Forgot to buy the biscuits though. And the most expensive stuff for the day - scratching post. Beladi expensive. $36.75. I'm a cheapskate. I'll be happier if it had cost me half of that.

Poo and Seno...two of the most beautiful beings I have ever known besides Ash...and a few others.

i'm watching you...
Sunday, January 08, 2006

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Thursday, January 05, 2006

I miss reading. I really do. It has been like 3 or 4 months since I've been to the library. I still haven't paid up the fines for overdue books. I don't even know how much I owe the library. Maybe I go and clear the debt this Saturday. If I have a book in my hands I don't have to keep glancing around in the train for eye candy. My eyes would be glued to the pages.

I miss reading...so goddamn much.

i'm watching you...
Thursday, January 05, 2006

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Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Today is the first day of school. As I watch kids on their way to school, I realise I miss that period of my youth when I thought about nothing else but school, lessons, boys, exams, bitchy girlfriends, pocket money. No thoughts of bills, of where the next meal is coming from, the next paycheck. I do hope Camelia is able to enjoy her childhood. And I hope she'll do better this year.

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, January 03, 2006

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My baby's at home, nursing his headache even before he steps into his workplace. I know his heart is not in his job anymore and so I'm not nagging him to go to work. He's starting to find a new job and so am I. I should do so though I'm not resigning yet. Just surveying the vacancies for now.

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, January 03, 2006

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