ÂªÃ±Â¡Â§ ÂªÂ§hÂ®Âªff pÂªÂ®t II

Thursday, December 29, 2005

I can't talk much this morning. Thinking about last night makes me wanna cry my eyes out again. My eyes are already swollen and they are wet with tears waiting to be shed. I am so emotional and feeling so vulnerable. Little things will definitely upset me today. But I can't weep right now. I'm in the train...And I don't wanna cry later in the presence of my friends. I'm trying to cheer myself up but there are no happy thoughts in my head.

i'm watching you...
Thursday, December 29, 2005

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Wednesday, December 28, 2005

I can be so forgetful and most times I know I forget something but it's so frustrating when I realise I forget to do or bring something when I'm already out of the house.

Like today...I forgot to take my umbrella I had placed outside on the steps last night. I knew I had forgotten something but I didn't know what it was until I was at the bus stop. Handphone....MP3...Keys...Umbrella...Dammit!! I was undecided whether I should go up or not because the bus was coming. I asked MIL to throw it down to me from the third floor and I missed the fakking bus. Aiyahhhh!!! But I was still able to catch the train.

i'm watching you...
Wednesday, December 28, 2005

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Tuesday, December 27, 2005

My aunty called me after lunch but I didn't pick up the phone. I knew she wanted to talk to me about mum so I SMS her, telling her I really can't help with the payments because my payday is still a few days away. Even if I have cash I won't help. I need the money for my wedding preparation. I told her it has been postponed so many times already. Then she laid out the guilty trap, saying something like how good Uncle has been to us. I know that and that is what has been tweaking at my conscience.

My stepfather is the best of his kind. I'm grateful to him for my wedding 8 years ago which ended 3 and 1/2 years later...for his patience with mum who can be such a bitch sometimes...for being the man that he is.

But I can't save him now. I told my aunty I'm so tired of having to carry the heavy responsibility alone while the favourite son washes his hands off the mater completely. How much longer? I don't know. Isn't it much better if I were the only child? I keep wondering whether they have anything to eat or not. The electricity is going to be cut off soon. The only thing I can do is pay 1/2 of the amount first when payday comes or when Ash gets his share money...whichever received earlier.

So do I sacrifice my NYE celebration? Something that i was so looking forward to. I don't know *sighs*

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, December 27, 2005

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I'm so tired and it's not because of partying. I had none during the weekend and that's why I feel so tired. I'm so bored. I don't even know if Ash would like to go party this Saturday, New Year's eve. He didn't seem interested. I could go with somebody else but I prefer to celebrate 2006 with him. I have to see how it goes...see his mood. I really want to go get drunk this weekend. It has been such a long time since I did that.

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, December 27, 2005

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Monday, December 26, 2005

Jujur - Radja

duhai kekasih pujaan hatiku
dapatkah kau memberiku satu arti
sedikit rasa yang bisa ku mengerti
bukan sumpah atau janji

* buktikanlah bila kau ada cinta
setulus hatimu bisa menerima
sebatas kejujuran yang kau miliki
bukan sekedar bersama

reff: jujurlah padaku bila kau tak lagi setia
tinggalkanlah aku bila tak mungkin bersama
jauhi diriku, lupakanlah aku

jujurlah padaku bila kau tak lagi setia
tinggalkanlah aku bila tak mungkin bersama
jauhi diriku, lupakanlah aku selamanya

I love this song. I love the music.

i'm watching you...
Monday, December 26, 2005

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Saturday, December 24, 2005

Money is like men. You can't live with them...you definitely cannot live without them.

Cik Kiah called me just now while I was at KFC with Bear Bear and Baby having our quality time on a Friday night. She informed me that when Cik Mamat went over Mum's place the other day, Mum was crying pasal the electricity will be cut off on Monday if no payments are made. I don't know what my aunty expected me to do. I got no money right now and even if I do have, I'm sorry I can't and I won't hand it over. It's all for my wedding.

I smsed Lynn. She was surprised I knew anything about it all because usually she was the one who updates me about life there. I asked her why Mum's son is still not working till now. She said because they have no money to spare for histransport fares. Well ok..I told her I can give the money but can she guarantee he will go out and find work soon? She said no need lah. He needs more money to pay for tolls if he continue to pick up containers. I asked her couldn't he find some other job for now first just so he could pay the outstanding bills first? When everything is stable and fine then he can return to his favourite job. The beladi bitch told me to ask himself. Dah tentu-tentu dia tau aku dah tak berbual dengan that idiot pe...lagi suruh aku pegi tanya dia pulak. Relek suah!

Aku kat sini tanya baik-baik...ni pundek angin pulak. When I suggested that she come over and stay kat Jurong je, dia tanya aku alik...napa aku tak dok Jurong je. Fak yu lah! U know why I ran away and yet...The reason I asked her to stay In jurong is to save money. Dia jugak yang kata dia nak kena tanggung 3 umah - umah mak dia...umah mak aku...umah sewa dia. So minus one house...umah sewa tu...tak boleh ke?

I know they are troubling her and I'm sorry for that. But she should have bailed out when she had the chance. Nobody stop her. It was her choice to stay. I got nothing to say to her anymore. She called me but I refused to pick up her call. Why should I? We will only end up arguing like the other day and I'm feeling so wore out being related to every single one of them.

I should tell them to fak off but my sense of responsibility are so strong that I can't help feeling depressed and worried for them. But what can I do? I got plans to make...life to live. I can't afford being treaded on all the time. I got to think about myself and my future now pulak.

The girls asked me out tomorrow but I don't think I'm going anywhere. Bo lui leh. No money...no party - that's my principle to enjoy. Tak kan aku nak expect dorang belanja. Baby got that flood problem at home...Bear Bear is coming home soon...Nevermind I'll party on NYE je lah. Still haven't told Ash yet. The time is not right especially when AVIVA still hold on to his share payment. Beladi bloodsuckers!

Isn't this cute?

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alt="Angel Needing Intense Stimulation"
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alt="Amorous Sexy Hunk Readily Administering Fantastic Fantasies"
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i'm watching you...
Saturday, December 24, 2005

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Friday, December 23, 2005

Yey! I found Ayah again. I had sent him a letter 2 weeks ago, updating him about my life for the past 6 years...including my impending marriage. When I didn't get a reply I thought he had moved away from the address I sent the letter to. Then yesterday I received a short note from him, asking me why I didn't call. He left me his number and I called right after my favourite Chinese drama series. We talked for about 1/2 an hour. I even chatted with his wife, my stepmom. When I asked him her name, he told me I can call her makcik, cik Ramnah or mak even. Maybe I'll her that.

Mampos aku kalau mak tau heheh. Mak mana suka kalau aku keep in touch with ayah and his family. She didn't allow me to acknowledge my siblings. She said I have only 1 brother here in Singapore...that idiot, her son. That 4 are my siblings. We have the same father.

Ayah tanya when I'm coming for a visit. He really sound pleased that I called and was excited about my homecoming. I told him I won't make promises unless I could keep them. The bad news is his mother, my grandma, passed away early this year. He wanted me to melawat but he could not contact me. I am happy that at least we try to save our relationship even if sometimes I felt so awkward having conversations with Ayah. If Mum knows I'm thinking about going there, I'm dead meat...but I don't care. What's wrong with me rapatkan silatulrahim dengan ayah and his family? Since my family is like crap here, I might as well find another one.

I'm happy, I'm happy!

i'm watching you...
Friday, December 23, 2005

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Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Early this morning at 3, my cousin SMS me. Doesn't she sleep at night? Macam vampire siak, malam berjaga, siang buat taik mata. Anyway she informed me Grandma was admitted in SGH and her father didn't know how to inform my mother. So as always I SMS Lynn to be the messenger. I found later from her that Grandma was admitted a few days ago of what she didn't know. I'll visit Grandma soon.

I SMS a friend asking her for price quotation of a certain bridal studio. She is a wedding planner so I assumed she would know. Maybe I was too sensitive but her response rubbed me the wrong way. She told me that particular name was not in her list of services but the way she replied just seemed as if she was at the edge of her patience. I did ask her to get me a list of prices...if it wasn't too much trouble for her...bluwekkkk! Perhaps I'm a friend and so she didn't think she has to be accommodating. Nabey!

We are waiting for money from Ash's share cancellation process. It won't be much but at least we could settle off some bills...and my laling could breathe easily again. Courts and M1 are harassing him to pay up tapi kalau dah takde sen dorang gertak pun tak guna pe syial. He ain't got money...period.

Baby decided to go home tomorrow to help out with the cleaning up at her hometown. I guess the water level has gone down. I hope everything's ok there.

My 2006 resolution is to talk less. I realise I am turning into my mother slowly but surely and I don't want to be her...ever! I also realise I'm nagging Ash just like Mum did to Uncle. EEEEEEEEE!!! The similarities are so uncannily alike it freaks me out. Having less conversation won't mean I'll be a mute but it'll train me to cut short my verbal torture of my baby. I don't know why little things he did or say upset me so much. I have to learn to bite my tongue now.

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, December 20, 2005

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Monday, December 19, 2005

Poor Baby!

She heard bad news from Kedah that her house was flooded. She came to work, came to where we usually sit in the mornings, crying as she informed us. Being a compassionate person that I am, I didn't look her in the face. I knew that I would start crying too if I saw her tears. Even without looking pun I got misty eyes.

I hope and pray everything is ok. She's getting married soon but looks like she won't be having a reception. She has to buy new furniture to replace those that are damaged in the flood.

Poor Baby!

I wish I could help her financially but I couldn't. The only thing we can do is cheer her up and make her forget her problem temporarily...at least when she is with us.

i'm watching you...
Monday, December 19, 2005

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Thursday, December 15, 2005

Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

What a lovely lovely song to listen to when you are alone. This song and the previous single by the same singer "You're Beautiful" are so depressingly sad. In my opinion both songs are suicide notes written by someone right before the moment they jump off tall buildings to their deaths.

Listen to the songs when you are feeling miserable and do have a good cry. Crying cleanses the soul if done moderately.

i'm watching you...
Thursday, December 15, 2005

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Life is good.

My 2 kids are atrocious and hyperactive.

Ash is still holding on to his job...barely so. He's waiting for his bonus. As soon as it's in his bank account he is submitting his resignation.

Camelia is growing rapidly. She's going to be in primary 6 next year. I hope she will do better. I have great expectations of her. Nothing grand really. I just want her to have a better life than ours.

MIL is alright. She still talks about in-laws and relatives behind their backs.

And me? I'm good as long as the people around me are fine and happy. I feel good because I thought he looked my way yesterday...I thought he seemed to behave as if he wanted to approach me but wasn't sure about my reaction.

Ahhhh....maybe it was just my imagination. I wanted so much to believe because yesterday I was so very tempted to sms him and tell him how good he looked in that sleeveless black shirt. As usual my pride held me back. Thank goodness! I don't ever want him to know I still have feelings for him. Even if he does know, just leave it unsaid. It's hard to let go when I felt so loved. I don't understand how he could change so much when here I am, holding on to memories that I simply could not erase from my mind. I have not the strength and even if I did have it, I refuse to forget.

i'm watching you...
Thursday, December 15, 2005

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Tuesday, December 13, 2005

No, I didn't sleep on the couch last night. I wish I did but I'm scared of being in the dark alone. I've got a very imaginative mind you know. Besides I can't sleep far away from him. I just can't. Even when he was admitted in hospital long ago, I slept only because I sprayed his cologne on his unwashed sweater...So how can I ever think I could sleep on the couch?

I didn't say a word to him except when I woke him up. What's there to say when he said last night I didn't know how to talk nicely? Fine...I'm saving my conversation for somebody else.

And like always when I'm unhappy with him, I divert all my calls to my voicemail.

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, December 13, 2005

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Monday, December 12, 2005

For every flaws you have I have always found something nice to say about you no matter if you are such a jerk sometimes. But you never never say anything nice to say about me.

I wouldn't have minded so much if you had told me...you love me in spite of my faults. I didn't think I change that much the past 4 years. Didn't you notice then how I behave? Why didn't you say anything? Why is it everything that I do or say now is not right in your eyes?

Yes, I admit I yelled at you countless times but that was because you didn't even bother to look my way when I'm talking to you. I told you to do something and I had to wait for some time before you move your big ass. You expect me to pay attention to you when you have something to say. Didn't I deserve that kind of respect too?

If I am that bad, why did you stay with me then? Why didn't you just dump me? Like everybody else?

It hurts that when I'm hurting, you don't give a fak. Actually you didn't give a fak because you were oblivious to my feelings.

I don't want to say anything more. I just sleep on the couch tonight.

i'm watching you...
Monday, December 12, 2005

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Sunday, December 11, 2005

I dreamt of you
Even in dreams it hurts to see you
I almost touch you but I didn't.
When will I get over you?
It must have been love
Because I never hurt this much before...

i'm watching you...
Sunday, December 11, 2005

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Saturday, December 10, 2005

Home alone.

Usually I'm with Ash but not today. He's off to work for the extra cash. Silly man! Silly not because he went to work but because he could have do overtime the past few weeks and he didn't because he was plain lazy. Anyway papa...I love u.

We decided (actually it was Ash's decision, I am never one who make definite plans) that we are going to register at ROMM after Christmas. It's not really confirmed because our plans always turn into flop shows at the last minute. I had already written a letter to my father in Kluang and waiting for a reply. I hope he is still staying at the address I had written the letter to. If not...mati lor. Where the hell do I look for him?

We hope to get married soon...maybe in February. I'm not so scared of marriage. I think we could get along even though sometimes we drive each other crazy but peaceful relationship is so boring.

You know something? Since I woke up this morning till now I have yet to take a shower heheh. I give Poo and Seno a bath though.

Poo Poo is so like me. She doesn't like to pose for the camera. I had to practically force her...by holding her tight for this pic. She loves to bite. One of her favourite past time is chasing moving legs. The other is running like the wind. So beware.

Seno Seno ain't shy. She loves to pose. Quite a glutton. If I didn't feed her on time, she'll behave as if she didn't eat for at least a week. She likes to crap too heheh.

While Poo is hyper active, Seno is much more relaxed. Both are silent farters.

This is not their latest photos.

i'm watching you...
Saturday, December 10, 2005

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Thursday, December 08, 2005

There are a few things I'm grateful for...

I'm grateful for

1)Ash. He's the best. Enough said.

2)my great body (hahah). Even though my face is like the Titanic after colliding with the iceberg, I have a fantabulous body. At least that's what I like to think lah. I got a great ass...my best feature...Too bad about my boobs though. They are small tapi what to do kan? Rezeki Allah.

3)my boobs. Even though kecik...ada advantage nyer gak. It's ok for me to go braless if I want to because it won't jiggle too much kan muekekekekeke. And men definitely will talk to my face instead of my breasts...walaupun muka aku serabai.

4) for Poo and Seno. Whenever I'm stressed out from work or family problems or apa-apa je lah, they lessen my misery. Thanks kids!

5) for Camelia. Sometimes she can be such a jerk I could strangle her on the spot but whenever I had a fight with Ash, she's the one who consoles me and cheer me up.

6) for MIL. She's not my mother but she fills up the void in my heart. Except when she's bitching heheh.

7) for my two good friends Baby and Bear Bear. I love you both for making me laugh until I cry. I will definitely gonna miss you guys when we separate in a few months' time.

What else? Lots more that didn't come to my mind right now. Maybe later.

i'm watching you...
Thursday, December 08, 2005

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Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Sometimes I think God goes all the way to test me. It seems as if I wasn't allowed a reprieve from misery. Since young I was always troubled by one thing or another...starting from a life-threatening heart problem to my parents' divorce to my unhappy childhood (did I ever had a childhood? I don't think so) to my supressed teeange years (why supressed? because I wasn't permitted to enjoy my youth) to my own divorce to my lousy love life to my damn family neverending crisis to my current life.

Why me? Why always me? Don't I deserve happiness? I'll be lying if I said I don't have any. I do but not for long.

I have to be strong because Ash no longer is. I used to lean on him for optimism but now I have to be the supporting pillar. I got nowhere else to turn to except my stupid blog. And blogs don't talk back or give me encouragement to live on, do they?

i'm watching you...
Wednesday, December 07, 2005

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Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Let's be honest shall we?

I wanna fly away because I don't wanna shed tears when he goes away...and he is going...soon. The other reasons just push me into making my final decision. Or is it the other way round?

I am going even though my heart is wanting to stay. Don't you cry for me because I ain't dying ...yet. I'll come back to visit if I could...if I ever wanna. Don't you cry because we will see each other again someday...one day.

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, December 06, 2005

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Thursday, December 01, 2005

Where do I begin?

Let's start with my cousin's visit last Monday. She called me up around 10 pm asking me where I was. Knowing I was at home, she asked whether she could come and stay for the night. I was busy with Ash's balls (heheh) but I told her to come over nevertheless. I thought it would be fun having her around because I thought we were alike in some ways. Boy, was I wrong!

I met her downstairs and she was puffing on her cigarette. I told her I was ok with that but absolutely no smoking in my house premises. She is only 17 and I didn't want MIL to have a wrong impression of her. We chatted for a while and she told me how she just got slapped by her boyfriend.

I didn't exactly understand her story but she and her boyfriend were supposed to go shopping in JB. They quarrelled, she got smack in the face. I haven't met the guy but I disapprove of him already. Being slapped around is one thing, being a member in a gang is another. How would you feel if you were the girl and you couldn't go out with him to certain places and when you did go, your guy was beaten to a pulp right in front of you?

I advised her to ditch him now before she turns into his punching bag. I can only say so much but ultimately it's her decison to make.

After that I went to sleep because I had to get up early for work. I left her surfing the net. When I left she was sleeping but I had already told her to sms me whether she would wait for me to come home from work or not. I didn't know she was such a bum. When I sms her at 12:30 she had just woken up. She got the cheek to ask my permission to sleep in my bedroom. I guess she was awkward mith MIL at home. She slept and slept until nearly 6. She bathed, dressed and informed me she was not going to wait after all. The one thing that pisses me off is that I had to apologise to MIL on my cousin's behalf for her behaviour. There will NOT be a second invitation.

These few days I feel so crappy because I'm feeling used.

Who? How? When?

No point telling. I am being used.

On a positive note I had one of the most fantabulous orgasm on Tuesday night. I'm feeling good even till now...feel good that I could almost make Ash shoot his water pistol just by giving him a blowjob. He never ever could before. I must have been doing the best cocksucker action that night. I feel good that I made him feel good. I want to make him feel good again...soon.

i'm watching you...
Thursday, December 01, 2005

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