ÂªÃ±Â¡Â§ ÂªÂ§hÂ®Âªff pÂªÂ®t II

Monday, November 28, 2005

I forget myself sometimes. I tend to do that when things go my way. Before you think I go astray...There are people who drag me back to the right path again. These are the people I wish to thank.

Who are the unsung heroes?

I wish to thank the people who remind me that I'm not as beautiful as I think I am (sometimes only lah). They always manage to shove the mirror in my face and force me to see myself. They never once let me forget I got similar teeth as Bugs Bunny. They are also the ones who inspire me to go get myself braces which I defintely will...as soon as my finances allow it.

I wish to thank the people who are oblivious to my looks and see me beyond the facade.

I wish to thank the people who make me feel useless and used...those who come to me when there is no one else to turn to...when they know nobody else is going to help them...when I'm the only one available...and I am always the available idiot. Thank you for reminding me time and again just how pathetic I can really be.

I wish to thank the people who talk viciously behind my back in spite of all that I did for them. The same ungrateful people who forget that I keep grudges for a very very long time.

I wish to thank the people who rise up in my defence when I was incapable to defend myself...when I'm down on my knees. The very same people who tiredlessly lend me their ears when I need someone to listen to me, who hold my hand when I almost fall, who wipe my tears away with so much love when I did fall and hurt myself.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You know who you are and which kind of people I put categorise you in. I'll never forget you...I won't forgive either.

i'm watching you...
Monday, November 28, 2005

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Friday, November 25, 2005

Crawling Back to You by Backstreet Boys

Everybody knows
that I was such a fool
to ever let go of you
But baby I was wrong
And yeah I know I said
We'd be better off alone
It was time that we moved on
I know I broke your heart
I didn't mean to break your heart

But baby, here I am
Banging on your front door
My pride's spilled on the floor
My hands and knees are bruised
And I'm crawling back to you
Beggin' for a second chance
Are you gonna let me in?
I was running from the truth
And now I'm crawling back to you

I know you're in there
And you can make me wait
But I'm not going away
It's the least that I can do
Is to tell you face to face
I was lying to myself
Now I'm dying in this hell

Girl, I know you're mad
But I can't blame you for being mad

But baby, here I am
Banging on your front door
My pride's spilled on the floor
My hands and knees are bruised
And now I'm crawling back to you
Beggin' for a second chance
Are you gonna let me in?
I was running from the truth
And now I'm crawling back to you

If you could see
these tears I'm crying
Touch these hands
that can't stop shaking
Heal my heart
that's heavily bleeding
You would see a different man

But baby, here I am
Banging on your front door
My pride's spilled on the floor
My hands and knees are bruised
And I'm crawling back to you
Beggin' for a second chance
Are you gonna let me in?
I was running from the truth
And now I'm crawling back to you

Yes I want to crawl back to you..but my hands are tied...and I'm too proud to beg

i'm watching you...
Friday, November 25, 2005

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I saw an Indian lady in her early 40s in the train whose teeth is even worse than mine. At least I can close my mouth but she...even when she's not talking, you still can see her 2 front teeth protruding out. Having gaps between her teeth, wide gaps...I think you can see the inside of her mouth if you are near enough, makes it worse.

I'm not insulting her. I am definitely not laughing at her. I'm just thankful that I don't look that bad. This is to remind me when I complain too much about the way I look that there are other people whose look much more worse than me.

i'm watching you...
Friday, November 25, 2005

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I didn't expect you to call but you did. It's such a thrill to be able to flirt harmlessly like that. You have always been the catalyst for me to be just a lilltle bit more vivacious, a little bit more confident, a little bit more beautiful...

Thank you so much. I love you just because of that.

i'm watching you...
Friday, November 25, 2005

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Is this love?
Why does the sight of you walking past me hurts so much?
See me once
See my eyes
See the pain within me that nobody knows or understands
I can't describe it because I don't know
Is this love I'm feeling for you?

i'm watching you...
Friday, November 25, 2005

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Thursday, November 24, 2005

I'm a bit pissed off. I'm organising a makan session at my place this Saturday and I heard from Bear bear yesterday that nobody except for Baby is coming. What the fak??!! I know my house is a distance away but I had already told them in advance...and I'm doing this once a year je pe. Even people close to me are not coming. I can't expect those that I don't talk much to would come, would they?

When Kak Zah invited me to her place I was practically forced to go. She would have a royal tantrum if I wasn't there. But when it's my turn, she won't come I know. She didn't even come to my engagement party. She said she will come to my wedding. Yeah right....whatever.

So how? I guess I won't have to cook so much then. Save my money. Fak you lah my people!

i'm watching you...
Thursday, November 24, 2005

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So near and yet so out of my reach
If only you knew what I was thinking as you stood beside me
If only you knew how much I wanted to touch you
If only you knew how much I still care
If only you knew...

i'm watching you...
Thursday, November 24, 2005

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Wednesday, November 23, 2005

I go crazy when I laid my eyes on you today
You looked so yummylicious that i couldn't help myself feeling again
I was tempted to touch you
To sms you
But I held myself back
I didn't want to be a desperado
When in fact I'm already am
I'm just so confused
Are you really oblivious to me
Or did you go all out to seduce me to start something?
You know what atracts me to you
And you are using my weakness to keep me hanging on to you
I'm a pathetic soul I know
But I want to show you my life goes on with or without you
And I want to tell you I still care even if you don't feel the same way about me
Even when I appear to be unconcerned in public
I'll come running
If you need a friend

i'm watching you...
Wednesday, November 23, 2005

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Tuesday, November 22, 2005

I always said for every bad thing that happened in my life there is sure some sort of blessings behind it all. This I say to give hope to others...and myself...when everything that can go wrong went wrong.

Me and Ash...we are so totally broke this month. He didn't get his advance pay yesterday partly due to his long absence from work - his MC and Raya leave. We had already invited friends over to our place this weekend. Don't worry it's still on. We are going to sell his pocket pc.

Ash was restless in bed and I got worried when he was like that. I felt so helpless. I couldn't do anything to lighten his burden. All I can say to him was not to think too much about things that don't need thinking. Another thing that hit him hard is that his transfer to another department was rejected. So my baby had to tolerate his asshole boss for about 3-4 months more before he tender in his resignation.

I understood now why Mum advised me to dump Ash even though she likes him. Most probably she knew I would be in such dire situation and she wanted me out before it was too late to do anything. Which mother wanted their children to suffer? But I love Ash too much. He helped me through my difficult moments and now it's my turn to stand by him.

Another matter altogether...I am very embarrassed and eternally mortified about something Ash's friend said. Let's just say that he praised me lavishly but he got me mixed up with somebody else. Another blow to my already fragile self-esteem, dropping my confidence level to a much, much, much lower notch.

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, November 22, 2005

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Monday, November 21, 2005

I purposely didn't want to reply to your sms. I didn't want to get angry for something so trivial. Besides, why should I get angry? What you said is true. She wasn't exactly a best friend but she used to be a close one. I wasn't so calm yesterday. I was almost breathing fire when I made my note but I lost it...the note I mean. I got time to think things through.

I'm just not happy that you keep on harping about the mistake I made. At least I gave her a chance when you didn't even bother to give her the time of your day. Too bad shedidn't appreciate the effort I put in to be a friend being the ungrateful bitch that she is. It's no surprise...really. I've always had lousy friends. And when I did get a great one, I had to go and spoil it all.

I really really hope you stop rubbing my nose in the dirt already. I realised I was stupid then, letting her creep into my life but you are no better. You took her leftovers, you used to hang out with her even as you claimed loudly you hated her guts. As for me...once I dislike her, I cut off all ties with her. I don't sniff around for a whiff of her life. I did that only because you told me to. I don't really care about her. She can go and have gangbang parties or orgies in the moonlight and I don't give a fak. You already told me she changes friends like sheshe changes her panties. She only sticks on you when she has a need for you but when her needs are satisfied, you can go fly kites.

Sorry if I hurt your feelings (truth always does) but I had enough sarcasm from you. And I agree with you. I am being emo over something so minor.

i'm watching you...
Monday, November 21, 2005

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Sunday, November 20, 2005

I was angry with him yesterday for the entire day for no apparent reason. I cried a few tears that he didn't see me shed but still there is no one else I rather be than him. He is still the person I hold during the night. He still the one I rather see when I wake up in the morning. He is everything to me. I just wish he is a lil bit more loving than he normally is.

I didn't say a word to him even when he called me baby. He did told me not to talk to him, didn't he? So I'm keeping quiet for as long as possible. There's nothing more to say anyway. Later there'll be lots of people in here. Kompuak dia sume kat sini. That will make him happy. Kompuak dia dah kat sini...who am I in his eyes? Absolutely a nobody.

i'm watching you...
Sunday, November 20, 2005

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Saturday, November 19, 2005

The current mood of axlia at www.imood.com

I'm such a bitch today. I didn't do anything to anyone but...I don't know. I just feel so crappy since I woke up this morning. And I've been having headaches that come and go since then. Nothing everybody did is right in my eyes. Everything they did pissed me off.

I guess I still sore about last night...about MIL taking money from her son. And today she bought a lot of foodstuff to be cooked for tomorrow. And I hate the fact it was bought with that fakker's money. He only gave her $50 but...she spent so much. Hmmmm...

Ash...he's an idiot. At least today he is. He wanted to sell his pocket pc. I helped him call up a few numbers and the highest price bid was $500. This character told me to sms him our address which I did...but we are still waiting for him to come over and I sms him at around 10 or 11 this morning. Beladi moron! Macam gini nak buat business...making clients wait to be entertained? Argghhhh fak off lah man!

And now Ash told me to quit talking to him. Dia ajak aku makan sama dengan dia tapi dia badok sorang. Aku tau lah dia ajak-ajak ayam je. I mean if he really nak aku makan sana...he would have called me a few times kan? Whatever lah. Tak nak cakap sudah. Ingat aku mati ke tak cakap dengan kau? You want to play this game with me it's fine with me. I'll just sit sit depan pc layan diri sendiri. You can go to hell lah papa...

i'm watching you...
Saturday, November 19, 2005

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Friday, November 18, 2005

I wanted so much to confide in you like I used to do but at the very last minute I decided not to. You already got so much on your plate to worry about my own plate. Besides we are not the same persons. Like you said, you have changed. And most probably I change too. And so I confide in myself since you've been gone.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I being difficult? Am I making a fuss over something so small? Or am I justified to feel the way I do?

Am I wrong to uphold his rep? A wife should always jaga airmuka suami...I heard from somewhere lah. I'm not yet his wife but I'm doing exactly that. It's not ok for his mother to go ask money from somebody I dislike. It's telling that person Ash is not capable of providing for his mother. If I hear a whiff of somebody even starting to say that, mampos orang tu. Most probably duit tu is for buying groceries for Camelia's birthday celebration this Sunday. Poor thing! Nobody remember her besdey today except me. She called me up during lunchtime and me and my 2 buddies sang a birthday song for her. I told Ash if it was indeed true his mother buying groceries with the money given by his older brother, I won't take a bite of the food...no matter how hungry I am. I don't want to be indebted to that beladi fakker for anything.

I know I'm giving Ash unnecessary pressure. Besides the people I dislike so intensely is closely related to him. Maybe I should just shut up and let sleeping dogs lie lay down wherever they want. The thing is dorang memang anjing...and anjing tu najis di segi agama kan? Kwang kwang kwang...berbual macam ustazah bertauliah syial aku. If I don't voice out my misery I'll burst. When I let out my anger Ash tertekan plak. So how?

Everytime I lay my eyes on the both of them I remember what they said about me...and my blood go upstairs. I vow to myself...for as long as I don't get to have it all out with them, selagi tu lah aku simpan dendam sepanjang zaman....sampai bila pun aku sanggup tunggu. When they came over tadi, I didn't even bother to go out front there to welcome them. Why should I welcome them into my house? Kalau kat Woodlands I didn't have much right to say anything much. But here in Yishun, I got lots of things to say. This is my beladi house and you are not invited in.

MUKA TAK TAU MALU...DULU BUKAN MAIN MAIN CAKAP AKU MACAM-MACAM. CAKAP AKU POMPAN SUNDAL YANG HAMBAKAN MAK MERTUA. AKU HAMBAKAN DIA EH? KALAU BETUL AKU HAMBAKAN DIA PUN BUKAN AKU HAMBAKAN DIA PERCUMA LAH SIAL. KAU YANG HAMBAKAN DIA KAU TAK MAU CAKAP. ASEK DOK UMAH BESARKAN BUAH...BESARKAN TETEK TAK MAU CAKAP. NI LAKI AKU YANG SAKIT TU TANGGONG KORANG LEMBU 2 EKOR. TU PUN TAK SADAR DIRI...NAK BUTOH-BUTOHKAN LAKI AKU. KAU NAK KATA AKU POMPAN SUNDAL? AHHH UMAH POMPAN SUNDAL NI JUGAK YANG KAU DATANG DOK LEPAK...NYEKIK...CAMPAKKAN ANAK KAU SUME KAT SINI KASI TU TUA JAGA...INGAT LAH SIAL...AKU TAK HALALKAN APA YANG KAU MAKAN KAT UMAH NI...AKU TAK HALALKAN DUIT LAKI AKU YANG KAU PINJAM SAMPAI BURN TU. POMPAN SUNDAL KAU LABEL AKU? MEMANG AKU NGAKU AKU DOK SERUMAH DGN ASH....TIDO SEKATIL...MEMANG AKU NGAKU WE MASTURBATE EACH OTHER BUT THAT IS JUST IT. PUKI AKU MASIH BELUM KENA TEBOK LAH SIAL. BUKAN MACAM KAU...BARU KENAL LAKI KAU BAPER KALI..DAH MANTAT. JANGAN TAK NGAKU PULAK PUKIMAK. TUHAN NAMPAK APA YANG KORANG BUAT. SESUNDAL2 AKU PUN PUKI TETAP MENTEN VIRGIN FROM DICK ABUSE. JANGAN INGAT AKU DIAM AKU SUKA KORANG KAT SINI. AKU PANDANG TU TUA LAH SEBAB TU AKU KASI KORANG PIJAK LANTAI UMAH AKU. JANGAN INGAT LONGKANG TU AIR CETEK TAKDE ULAR SAWA. ULAR TU ADA...DIA RELEK TEPI. NANTI DIA TIMBUL..NGAP KAU..BARU PADAN MUKA KORANG LAKI BINI.

I am so beladi pissed off at them. I can wait. Revenge served cold is just as delicious as when it is served hot. I am not a patient person but when revenge is concerned, I can wait for as long as it takes to satisfy my anger.

i'm watching you...
Friday, November 18, 2005

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I hate it when you make me feel this way. Haven't I been there for you all this while? When things smell as sweet as roses why did you have to go and spoil it all? You know the kind of person I am. You've been with me for nearly 4 years...and yet you still do the things you do. Why does it seem as if I have to fight for just that little bit of attention? I'm almost fed up with you. Fak you lah. Don't want to bother my head getting angry for someone who forgets to appreciate me.

i'm watching you...
Friday, November 18, 2005

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Thursday, November 17, 2005

Why can' we be friends?

This I ask myself so many times but I don't know the answer.

It's so hard to see you everyday and pretend we are strangers when we used to be so close.

You don't have to talk to me.

You don't have to say a word.

I just want you to smile at me.

I never once hate you...even when you broke my heart.

Maybe you were cruel to be kind because I was so crazy about you...

And you were afraid I do something stupid.

So many reason I gave myself to explain your actions.

Can you smile at me...like you used to do?

i'm watching you...
Thursday, November 17, 2005

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Wednesday, November 16, 2005

I hate you for your lack of tact. You know that between me and him, there's love lost and yet you keep on mentioning hisname to me. I don't wanna know when he bought himself a new handphone...or when he took 1/2 day off...or whether he talk to you or not. And I definitely don't wanna know about the new person in his life.

Hearing his name brings back all the memories...and the pain. Seeing his face makes me wanna cry so everytime I lay my eyes on him I pretend he wasn't there but you don't know how aware I am of his presence...how my heart aches. I wanted to smile at him but I'm not sure whether he would reciprocate...or would he turn away? If we couldn't be together, why couldn't we be friends? I wanted so much to sms him but I'm afraid he will show my sms to his friend...embarrassing me.

I believe him isn't unkind. I know I meant something to him once upon a time ago.

i'm watching you...
Wednesday, November 16, 2005

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Tuesday, November 15, 2005

I'm thinking about quitting my job. I love my job but I feel unappreciated when I work as hard as anyone else...maybe even more. I work so hard and yet my overall appraisal marks out of 100 is 69. What the fak? I was so pissed because I know I really really work my ass off. I think my conduct and attendance were better than last year and I worked overtime even though I was feeling half dead. I worked extra hours even during fasting month...the only Muslim who did that. And I still get 69??!!

I got no one to blame except Ah Wan because she's my leader and she's the one who give feedback about us all to the supervisor. Luckily for me I never kiss her white jumbo ass like some people did, I know. That's partly the reason.

Other reasons being that my 2 good friends are resigning too...most probably in March or April. I also take into account that my current workplace is a distance away from home. I should work nearer so I could save time and money. I'll start looking for jobs during or after the Chinese New Year season.

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, November 15, 2005

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Monday, November 14, 2005

My heart burn so hot when I heard the news from my uncle. I should be the one getting married first before you. I should be the one giving birth instead of your wife. Due to inevitable turn of events, everything I planned had to be put on hold dammit!

Ida called me last night. She had just returned...the prodigal bitch (hahahaha no offence ok girl). She's waiting for Casper and Robbie Williams to come too. Not for orgies. Those are her cats' names. Cool ain't it?

Our mutual friend was caught in her own web of deceit. I thought when I heard from Ida that she was in Germany, she had finally cleaned up her act and pursue her dreams. I thought wrong. Another friend revealed that she's actually right here at home, working at Motorola as a packer. There goes her too-good-to-be-true fairy tale. I never really believe her anyway because lying comes naturally to her, like breathing in air. I don't believe Ida would lie to me even though we just kissed and made up. So I assume she was duped into believing.

Girlfriend, you never change, do you? I think you crave attention more than me and I'm an attention seeker myself but I don't create stories to be cool. Sooner or later you gonna get trapped in your deception...always will. So what's the point of lying? Lying to make yourself seem better than you really are is a waste of time. It'll only make you be a topic of derision and ridicule.

i'm watching you...
Monday, November 14, 2005

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Tuesday, November 08, 2005

At last I'm back again...after...after so long lah. I don't know how long.

Lots of things happen but I think the most important thing is Ida is coming home. YEAHHHHH!!! It has been so long and she's so happy where she is now...but it's good to have her back home even though it might be for just a while. My ex best friend...that's what I used to call her. We might never be close as we used to be...She got other friends that were there for her when she needed them to be...And I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. All that is over and done with lah. Don't want to think too much about that.

I went home for the first time after nearly 10 months. I didn't have a choice. Nak kena hantar barang dapor...untuk Hari Raya. Kalau aku tak alik tu hari...aku rasa tu orang tua tak beraya lah. Anak mas kesayangan jadi tokey anggur so mana de sen? Ni anak yang syial ni gak yang kena korek tabong belanja dapor. Nasib baik mak tak buat drama on that day. On the first day of raya pun dia relek je. I was like waiting for her to golek-golek kat lantai ke..pelok-pelok tembok ke heheh...

Then kisah abang Ash plak. Masa puasa he and the wife same over. Mak dia sound kat aku nak panggil si betina tu datang tolong buat kuih. (Kalau nak order ke atau nak details...sila email aku axlia99@hotmail.com) The thing is Ash kata mak dia mintak izin...but she didn't exactly ask for it. She just told me in a sentence yang dia nak panggil betina tu datang. What was I supposed to do? I can't deny her request can I? Tak sampai hati nak kecewakan permintaan dia so I let them in my house. But Ash did put in one condition that they must leave before he comes back from work. It went well for a while then after that dorang sengaja balik lambat-lambat. Muka aku...ehmmm dah nak jadi bubur basi setahun. I don't know whether they notice it or not...I hope they did. Aku memang nak dorang tau yang aku tak SUKA dorang kat dalam umah aku. I got a right in this house because I help pay the loan...the groceries...the bills...It's mine...mine...my house. Dah tu pulak dalam diam MIL aku buat rancangan nak bawak alik baby Martin. Tu 2 lembu had the intention of bringing baby home from welfare but they need MIL as their gurantor. Nasib baik aku dengar masa MIL citer-citer dengan Aunty Mimi. I immediately told her I didn't mind if she wanted to take care of the baby...but the parents...I don't want them to sleep in my house. Lepas tu I told Ash about it and after a few days he told his mum about "his" decision.

I'm bad. I told Ash if they slept in my house for even a night, I will have a major quarrel with his mum. So far aku diam je bila dia buat itu ini...but don't push me. After all the things they said about me kat sms, ingat senang-senang ke aku nak lupakan gitu je? Selagi aku tak baling balik dorang punya kata-kata in their face selagi tu aku simpan dendam sepanjang zaman.

I fell in lust twice...and both backfired in my face. I'll get over them...soon enough.

Hari raya was ok alright but I lost the pictures taken on that day the the 2 days afterwards but it wasn't my fault. Ash kept them all in the pc. I was just going to save them in my yahoo photo album when I came home but Ash had already reformat the pc. Aiyahhhh!!!

Ok now back to chatting. Besok boleh sambung.

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, November 08, 2005

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