The one grave mistake you made was to give me an ultimatum - either give you want you want or u leave. In most things I gave in to you. The truth is I am tired of this argumentative relationship. And I'm definitely tired of your demands. It has always been your way or the highway and this time round I chose the highway. Sure I care for you. I must be to let you get away with your harrassment all this while but I think the buck stops right here.
Being separated from you or thinking of you with someone else doesn't hurt me as much as it used to. Am I finally over this infatuation? Maybe. You don't understand me really even if you claimed you did. If you had understood me a bit, you would have realised I hate to be put in a corner. You are surely pushing me to go where I don't want to go.
Maybe it's for the best. We could never survive each other if we were together. We are so much different and not just in cultures but also in our thinking. The only thing we share is stubborness.
Am I ready to let you go? Or am I just putting on a brave front, psyching myself before the storm of heartbreak and tears?
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
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What?? NO!!!!
I don't know. Ash asked me didn't I want to get married? Frankly I don't know the answer. I am so comfortable being engaged I forgot that engagements more often than not lead to marriages.
Am I ready to even contemplate marriage?
Am I ready to forgo all the benefits of being single? Even if the benefits ain't much.
Am I ready to lose my freedom and surrender ownership of myself to somebody else's hand?
I never did like to lie..even to myself...but the answers are all no.
I wish I could talk to someone right now. I need someone to talk to so badly...someone who doesn't judge me just because I am what I am. But like always I have to talk to myself...by myself...alone.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
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Just came back from Melaka, visiting Ash's kampong. This was our second trip. Wasn't as great like the first time. We did manage to view the historical museum but the hot weather fatigued us so much we didn't have much energy to explore every historic events. We peeked in the art gallery. I just loved the portraits of people doing their daily tasks. I wish I could draw. And that is not the first time I wish I had the talent.
Being back home was great!
Being away from home...I have a few friends at work who came from India to Singapore to work...to earn some extra cash to bring home. Alone...in a strange country with different cultures and languages...away from friends and families and everything familiar...I guess it must be tough.
Babies...The sight of them always stir maternal instincts in me to have one of my own. Will my kids be ok? Will they look cute? Will they be better looking than me...thus giving them an easier path to live their lives? I don't know. I wonder if I could be a better parent than my parents? I hope I will be.
Friends asking me out this weekend for a drink. That will be great. When was the last time I got drunk? I can't remember. But I haven't give them an answer yet. I still have to defer to my parole officer.
My thoughts are all jumbled up right now. I know I should have written a memo earlier. I was too lazy to do that. I'm a bum.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
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