Wednesday, April 27, 2005
I am happy but I can feel depression looming above me. I know our time here is short but I’m afraid mine is shorter. I’m afraid I won’t have time to do all the things I want to do and say what I want to say. I have this crazy idea to make a living will and testament. Is it binding in the eyes of the law? Been thinking about that for sometime especially the part about donating my organs. Why not if I could save lives? I have always been a pessimistic child. Morbid thoughts about death and suicide are never out of my mind. I tried to be just a little bit gay when I’m with friends. It’s when I’m alone I’m like this.
i'm watching you...
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
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Sunday, April 24, 2005
I knew about your past. You told me at the beginning. It was hard to swallow but I’m slowly accepting it. To have someone else confirming it and revealing much more, that was so painful. My heart felt so much pain I could almost feel it breaking into countless pieces. I didn’t know how I could have appeared to be calm when inside only god knows what I felt. I wanted so very much to confront you but it will only cause us misery. I wish you had told me all of it when you told me then. I can’t close my eyes without seeing you and her. You are mine; no other female can have you except me. Hinting to you yesterday had made you all worked up, confronting you will just result in a major row. I love you too much and it hurts me just as much now. What you didn’t tell me, I see that as dishonesty, another form of betrayal and I can never tolerate both. I’ve been clinging on to you. I felt threatened and cheated at the same time. How could I make u understand when my emotions are in turmoil? Maybe part of the reason you didn’t tell me was because you know I’ll react this way. Ignorance is bliss. I shouldn’t know about it at all. I don’t want to about no more. A friend said I should think positively. I tried but it’s hard. I know you love me. With her it was lust. I hate her for having a part of you that should have been mine.
i'm watching you...
Sunday, April 24, 2005
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Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Aunty sapiah, Ash’s aunty, on his father’s side, passed away last Sunday. Deaths, no mater whose, force us to realise our own mortality. She had been sick for the longest time and I thought it was best it ended this way. On the night she died we were at Yishun. We all rushed home, changed ( I had to borrow Siti’s baju kurong; mine were all packed in boxes). I thought I saw her corpse breathing. That freaked me out really bad. From yesterday’s episode of CSI, I was made known that when you knew the deceased your mind tells you what you wanted to see – movements. I was relieved but still remembering freaks me out.
i'm watching you...
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
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Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Last Sunday I and Camelia went to a hip hop fest happening in the open field beside pasir ris mrt station. You know how I love hip hop. No hip hop in the club me no go. That’s me, man. On the whole it wasn’t as great as I expected it to be. Triple noise was disappointing. They were supposed to be the one group, maybe the only group, who cut albums but they suck…big time. Boring performance. Actually the whole rapping thingy was boring, saved only by dancers with nifty moves. The rappers spent their time on stage rapping and walking from one end of the stage to the other. I think most rappers don’t know how to dance. They have to concentrate on their rapping but they have dancers to liven up their otherwise monotonous performance. Anyway I was beyond embarrassed in the train on the way there. The train moved, I lost my balance, I fell along with Camelia and it wasn’t even our fault. This Indian couple was hogging the grab pole especially the woman. She even leaned her beladi face against my palm, most probably thinking it was her partner’s. Fuck that! When we fell, nobody helped us up. To cover my mortification I had to laugh. The people around me laughed too. Would you have laughed if I was pregnant and I fell? I hope not. I should have done something – stare at her until my eyes crossed or nudged her face roughly away from me. I didn’t want to make a scene. See what happened to me. People, please be considerate in the train. Don’t lean your body, your ass, your face against the damn pole. That’s for us people who stand to hang on to.
i'm watching you...
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
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Friday, April 08, 2005
Talked to a good friend about what had happened in Ash’s family. She advised me not to dwell too much on what MIL allegedly said. She agreed with me that Mas might have the intention of trying to stir up discord between me and MIL so that I would be on her side if anything should occur. Friends and family often wanted me on their side because of my unyielding loyalty. Sometimes though I was so blinded by loyalty I didn’t see the truth. I wanted to confront MIL but my friend said it might make matters worse between us so I’m letting it rest…for now.
i'm watching you...
Friday, April 08, 2005
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Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Should I believe her? What if it’s true? What if it’s not? If I do believe her it will only arouse suspicion and distrust on my side. What if it was her intention to evoke unrest in my heart just so I could give her my support forever? I got to be fair. MIL was angry that day. People tend to say nasty things when they are angry. I often do. But what if it’s true? What do I do then? I know she talked about me behind my back and it’s not all good. Who say bad things about a person when the person is there in front of you anyway? MILs often do that. Right now I don’t know how to react or even how to feel. Am I angry? I don’t really know. Hurt, yes, after I put her on a higher pedestal than my own mother. Meeting a friend on maybe Thursday or Friday night. Ask her opinion. Maybe someone else could let me see the way in another perspective. I didn’t tell Ash. He’s not well right now and I don’t want him to think too much. I also don’t want to appear bitchy and petty in his eyes. It’s his mother after all. Don’t know what to do leh.
i'm watching you...
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
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Monday, April 04, 2005
Yesterday was a day of drama and I had to miss it all. I didn’t actually notice anything until Camelia signaled to me her step mom, Mas, was crying. I didn’t get the full story because Mas was whispering and my hearing ain’t so good nowadays. Camelia was useless sometimes when relating stories. She tends to skip some parts but then she’s only a kid. However I understood that Mas complained to MIL about the 2 leeches living with her. MIL wasn’t happy about that. She said she would ask her son and wife to rent a room somewhere else and she would help them pay the rent. What the fak??!! Where the hell would she get the money from if not from Ash or Siti? No way am I letting Ash fork out a single cent. We can’t help people who refuse to help themselves. We are not ATM machines or a charity organization. We have enough problems of our own. MIL just doesn’t think with her brain when she made that statement. She doesn’t understand none of us want her to worry unnecessarily. I know no mothers want to see their children in hardships but this one refuses to better his own life. I am not going to allow him to step into the house if he has any intention to stay. This time round I’m gonna be firm and vocal. It’s my house too. I invest money in it. Later I’ll sms Mas to know the whole story clearly. Dammit! I forgot my damn cleanroom suit. I know I had forgotten something but I can’t remember what it was. Now I know. Getting old
i'm watching you...
Monday, April 04, 2005
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