ÂªÃ±Â¡Â§ ÂªÂ§hÂ®Âªff pÂªÂ®t II

Monday, March 07, 2005

I got to know from Lin that my mother’s son has no intention whatsoever of ever mending fences with me. Obviously I don’t know him even after 3 decades. We grew up together but received different moral values from our mother. I don’t know how he thinks. Maybe from whatever love our mother had given him, he assumed, not entirely his fault, that he could do no wrong in her eyes, even if he did. I don’t know what I did that I was treated as such. Sure in the beginning I was furious. Understandably so because he left us in the lurch. But I could have forgiven him if he had only returned. And I did forgive him at first but his head was much bigger than his heart. Because he is the favorite child, because he is the man of the house, he thought he could treat me this way. He and his mother. Peas from the same pod. I wanted to ask her why bother having me if she’s gonna treat me like a stranger. There are times when I felt familyless. I shouldn’t be, should I? Then there are other times when I felt that cutting off all blood ties with them would be better for all of us. She calls him daily to ask whether he had taken his lunch. Lin said they chatted like lovers do. She didn’t call no more. I’m partly relieved because I got phobic tendencies when she did but the other half of me wish she had loved me as much as she does him. MIL is great most of the times but she is somebody else’s mother. It’s just not the same. Lin said he has not been working for the past month. He’s s looking after her kids while she works the night shift. I told her not to defend me. That only got her a beating. I don’t know why she took him back. He’s such an asshole. Our father wasn’t a wife beater. Don’t know where he got that violent trait from. I don’t ever want to see his face. And if I ever did I would refuse to acknowledge his presence. I thought of not ever setting foot in that house but I still have my stuff in there. And if I got married his absence will not be missed. I want her to come but if she is as big-headed as he is…what can I say? Ash said I shouldn’t think too much about them. I don’t when I’m with him but when memories invade my mind, that’s the time I got all teary-eyed and depressed. Come to think of it, I give them too much credit when I mean naught to them.

i'm watching you...
Monday, March 07, 2005

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