Thursday, March 31, 2005
Renovation is gonna start on Monday, I hope. I can’t wait to move in to the new place. To quote my good friend said, “Start a new life”. We don’t get much from the loan so we do the most important stuff first – flooring, bottom half of the kitchen cabinet, aluminium grills at the 2 windows facing the corridor, the 2 bathroom doors because of the fact that if we decide to put showerheads in there, the doors are gonna slam against them; the doors are opened inwards, do some copper pipe change. I think that is all. Not much but at least it’s our own place. It’s money draining process renting someone else’s house.
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Thursday, March 31, 2005
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Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Ash was so sweet yesterday. He waited for me at the void deck when I came home from work late. Sweet because it was unexpected thing for him to do. Usually I had to ask him. He said he was in a good mood. Whatever lah baby. I love you = >
Other depressing news. Lin sms me at work last Sunday.
“Along, I just inform you k. The rest is up to you. Mak kau dah 3 hari nangis rindukan kau. Every time we talked she kept mentioning and asking about you. I just told her to calm down. Kau tau lah mak kau kalau dah nangis. Aku cuma cakap you are ok. And hopefully you will come and visit her one day. I’m sorry I interfere in your family affairs. But as I say try to forgive and forget. You are like my own sista, so I treat everyone of your family a part of me. Once again I’m sorry along.”
“Kan aku dah kasi tau kau dia don’t mean to chase you out, what he meant was to clear your stuff so that he could rent out your room and his. But he decided not to at last. Kau datang jengok mak kau not him sis. Mak kau cakap dia cuma nampak badan kau je time dia orang amik aku pat BMS after a few months. Yeah I know she loves your adik more than you but she loves you too dear. Aku sedih tengok dia meraung-raung panggil nama kau. Talked to anak mak kau, he told me “mama ingat papa benci kakak papa eh, papa saying kakak papa. She’s the only kakak I have you know” so I hope you cool down a bit k sis. Cuma aku felt masing-masing ada ego sendiri.”
“I told him and mak kau about how you felt left out. It seems like you don’t belong to this family. Aku cakap dengan adik dengan mak kau, dia orang should be aware about that.
It’s up to you lah k, aku cuma cakap je. Aku faham how you felt. Aku sendiri cakap dengan dia orang, if I were in your shoe, I probably would do what you do now. I don’t blame you. I hope everything will be ok one day.”
“Mak kau cakap dia tau dia saying adik kau lebih tapi dia saying kau dalam hati dia. You are the only daughter dia ada. Adik kau tak cakap pape lagi. Dia diam je but when he said that he loves you airmata dia jatuh. Ni sekarang airmata aku yang jatuh. Aku sedih tengok like that, u adik kau dengan mak kau.”
I told her I can’t go back. I’m still to angry to forgive and forget. What she expect me to do? Be unaffected after all that was said and done? She can, I just can’t do it. Of course I thought about coming home but every time I do that I remember what he said and I get hurt all over again. I’ll go home but not now…not long…and not alone.
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Tuesday, March 29, 2005
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Monday, March 28, 2005
About that ominous visit. As I said the other time Ash’s brother and his wife waited for us at the staircase. I had a premonition about them but I didn’t expect them to be there. I wasn’t happy. Maybe it showed on my face. I hope it did. He said he wanted to talk and Ash didn’t have any choice but to let them in. I went in the bedroom but kept an ear on the conversation. I found out later that MIL had run away to her daughter’s place with Camelia. The visit was actually to persuade Ash to let them stay with us for 3 days. What the fak??!! They talked for a while about their predicament bla bla bla. The good thing about Ash is that he took the time to discuss the mater with me. Knowing him I knew he was feeling compassion towards them and so I proceeded to destroy whatever pity he was harboring inside. I reminded him about how both had treated him and MIL, about them being leeches sucking us dry. When he seemed not to sway I used a little blackmail to rouse his guilt. I told him if he had already made up his mind to help them why bother asking my opinion because I would only say no. I know I was pressuring him but it was for his own good. I don’t want him go through what he did few months back. When he told them he couldn’t allow them to stay, having renting the house, I was so relieved. Pheeeuuuwwww!!! MIL obviously wanted them to be around if what Siti said was true. MIL had asked “3 hari pun tak boleh ke?” I told Siti they would revert to their old habits and she agreed. Why couldn’t we be freed of them? Why couldn’t they be independent and live on their own? Do we have to take care of them forever? The last I heard they would be staying a night at Ronzie’s place. If they had stayed for that one night…Leeches won’t let go of their hosts until they are full and satisfied.
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Monday, March 28, 2005
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Saturday, March 26, 2005
I’m having this maternal walla walla in my heart…again. I think it’s time for me to get married and have kids on of my own. I’m just so envious of these people with babies in their arms, kids in strollers, kids with trusting hands held in their parents’ firm grasps. Aizzzzz…
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Saturday, March 26, 2005
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Tiring day. Unsure if I could sleep early tonight. I lost my morning ranting because I pressed the hand phone’s exit button instead of the save one. Just a reminder that I was put in a foul mood by the kakaks at work. Another significant event was that Ash’s elder brother and his wife waited for us at the staircase area last night. Too tired to go into details right now. Maybe tomorrow. I’m yawning my head off in the train as I keyed in stuff about my life.
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Saturday, March 26, 2005
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Friday, March 25, 2005
What’s with mothers and sons huh? Why do they care so much? Even when they were treated like crap? Why aren’t daughters loved as such? Because we are more complacent? Because we don’t want to be troublesome? I asked because of what had happened very early this morning. After midnight, Ash and me, we were sleeping – me because I was tired out from long working hours, him because…he always sleeps soundly. Anyway MIL came into our room. I don’t think she had knocked. Her firstborn son was outside the house, tapping on her bedroom’s window pane, calling out her name. Apparently his wife was with him too. I told her to go to sleep and ignore them. She said she couldn’t. Twice she came in our room before she returned to hers. That was because Ash threatened to call the police. When he didn’t get any reaction, Ash’s brother began to ring the doorbell. Oh man! Leave us alone why don’t you? Ash said most probably they wanted to move in with us, what with the wifey being pregnant and all. NO FUCKING WAY! Ash has enough on his plate to take care of those leeches again. Once they cling on to us they will never let go. I don’t want my baby to be stressed out like he was when they were living with us. I don’t want him to get mad that he would be rendered almost speechless and literally became red in the face due to his attempt to speak out in anger. I don’t want them to spoil our dream.
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Friday, March 25, 2005
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Wednesday, March 23, 2005
I thought about him this morning when I was in the bathroom. I’ve been thinking about him for the past few weeks. I wonder how he is now since we last met. It has been a while since I laid my eyes on his face. I wanted to sms him but his n umber was deleted from my hand phone by you-know-who lah. I guess he’s not taking the bus anymore. He wasn’t at the interchange no matter how early I was. Maybe he had his bike license back. He was suspended for a couple of years and I remember he said about 2005 being the year the ban would be lifted. I wonder if he ever spares a thought for me. Me with this huge crush on him. Me who used to have desperate feelings for him. I remember how he used to advise me about the futility of our “relationship”. I remember thinking he was tolerating me because he needed someone to distract him from being miserable over his girlfriend. They were having trouble then. I wonder if he knew the reason why I was cold towards him. Maybe it was fate but him behaving the way he did on the only date we had…cured me of my relapse. I wanted to explain but how to tell a guy you like so much that by asking me for sex, it was over? I hope he’s happy with whoever he is with. I should be grateful to him for making me return to the right path.
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Wednesday, March 23, 2005
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Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Camelia was rushed to KK hospital yesterday during her P.E. lesson in school after she had difficulty breathing. She was almost finishing her fifth rounds out of 9 of running at the school track when she collapsed. After m much tests which included taking an x-ray of her lungs and ECG reading (I had absolutely no idea what that was but it took her heartbeat reading) after about 2 hours of observation she was allowed to go home. She had actually wanted to be admitted. Silly girl! I was just a bit emotional. She is practically like a daughter to me. At least she had an unforgettable experience riding in an ambulance. All’s well and ends well. Syukur alhamdullillah.
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Tuesday, March 22, 2005
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Monday, March 21, 2005
Saw 4 movies on vcd but the one I like to watch again and again was a Hindi movie “Rules” – a love story with heartbreak and a happy ending. I’m a sucker for happy-endings romance movies…make me all lovey dovey and dreamy. Aizzzzz and the hero is so handsome…especially when he doesn’t smile that much. “Saw” was just as good. It practically gave me rapid heart palpitations when I watched it. The climax was memorable when one of the 2 men was…Nahhhh I won’t tell you for the benefit of those who have yet to watch the movie. And for those who had already caught the movie you know what scene I was referring to *wink wink*
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Monday, March 21, 2005
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Saturday, March 19, 2005
Lin is working the night shift at my workplace and staying at Jurong. Isn’t it ironic Lin is working the night shift at my workplace and staying at Jurong? Isn’t it ironic a stranger is welcomed there while a family member was asked to leave? It was nobody’s fault but his and yet nobody bother to persuade me to return. I don’t want to dwell on it too much but me being me; I often did what I was not supposed to do. And me being me, I’ll remember whatever deeds people did to me be it good or bad. I could keep grudges for a long time even after I had long forgotten what it was all about.
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Saturday, March 19, 2005
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Friday, March 18, 2005
Right now I am missing mum’s cooking. No matter how nice Ash’s mum’s dishes are it ain’t the same. I wonder if she even bothers to spare a thought for me at all. Aizzzzz…Anyway I was reflecting on what a good friend at work had revealed a few days ago. She told me she didn’t like sex and she did it unwillingly. If she were given a choice she would have abstain from sex. When I broached the subject about orgasm she was like absolutely clueless about it and it got me thinking that it was such a shame that she has been unsatisfied. And the pathetic thing was that she didn’t even know it. I told her her partner was selfish, more concerned with his sexual satisfaction than with hers. I’m thankful for Ash. Don’t I always :-) Even though we never had intercourse he has always been a considerate lover. Most of the times he gave me the best orgasms I ever had and when at times I didn’t touch heaven it was only because it was my own choice.
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Friday, March 18, 2005
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Wednesday, March 16, 2005
I start my day with nagging. I was running late. I had to pack my lunch, make a sandwich and tea with milk for Ash and I wasn’t even dressed for work. I told MIL to wake him up. The first time he said when he opened his eyes was “my tea!” I grumbled and asked him couldn’t he take the tea I had already made himself? I told him for the first time since I have known him I felt like a maid. All through my nagging he just smiled. Thank god he was in a good mood. If not we could have ended up quarrelling.
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Wednesday, March 16, 2005
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Tuesday, March 15, 2005
I hate it when people make me feel like a loser. Last Sunday Siti came over, having had to send her mother back home. Ash had wanted her to be home earlier to cook so I could pack some food to bring to bring to work. Siti said something like what was going to happen to her brother when his mother wasn’t around to cook. She told me to learn cooking. Frankly I was pissed off when she criticized me like that…even when I knew she was just teasing me. I told her ash didn’t mind if I know zilch about cooking. I could work and work and work and don’t have to do housework. She said if only her hubby would tell her like that. I was unhappy and sulked a bit. Ash reassured me even though I didn’t know much about cooking I was (and still am) a very hardworking person. These past few weeks I don’t have nice feelings about my sister-in-law. I think she’s a calculative, interfering bitch. I hate the way they treat her as if she is some kind of goddess. Whatever major decisions we make we have to consult her. No doubt she knows lots of things and maybe that’s why sometimes she has this patronizing attitude towards us mortal souls.
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Tuesday, March 15, 2005
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Monday, March 14, 2005
An old friend of mine, who is also the on-off girlfriend of my mother’s son, applied for night shift work at my workplace. She’s starting work tonight. I thought I could see her during my 3 o’clock break but she didn’t inform me she was already there. And when I come out of the cleanroom she was climbing up the steps to his prime mover (you know who lah) and she oiiii me. I sms her with the message “macam sial”. She understood why I was angry. I told her the next time she’s thinking of meeting me, don’t let me lay my eyes on him because I don’t want to see his beladi face. Like always she tried to be the peacemaker, saying that by letting him and mum see me at work terubat rindu. Phuitttt!!! Bullshit!!! I told her to tell them don’t bother missing me. I’m no longer family
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Monday, March 14, 2005
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Yesterday was great. I had 2 great orgasms – one in the morning, one in the afternoon – but the first was fantabulous. Ash gave me it in a different position that we had never tried before. We even took a shower together and it has been a while since we last had done it. Everything was honky horny (I was feeling a little horny that morning I thought I could do with another big 0 heheh) until I hears this low very familiar male-sounding buzzing voice in the hall. I took a peek and who did I see? Ash’s least favorite brother and when I told him, his face changed visibly from being a sated sexually-satisfied man to one with black-faced one. From info I managed to ask from my little spy, he was asking for some maternity clothes. Obviously his wife is pregnant. He was sure he would be caught by the police because of what he was almost caught doing – he intended to steal some bicycles from Causeway Point. He asked MIL to take care of his unborn child after birth. I was telling Ash if she were to do just that, would we be taking care of the mother along with us to our new home? The kid is innocent I know but having the parents around again doesn’t give me a good feeling. Ash said he wouldn’t allow it but would he have the heart to deny his mother anything? We have to wait and see. Another thing Ash wasn’t happy about was the fact that somebody told his brother where we are staying and both of us are sure it must have been Ronzie. He had the most frequent contact with the person, giving money when was asked. Most probably he was asked too many times and is passing the problem to Ash. Once we move Ash will be giving Ronzie a serious talk about this I told Ash if his wife makes a fuss about him donating money to the brother, it wasn’t her fault. They got 2 small kids to feed. To get rid of the pest MIL went to Siti’s house. If she had stayed, the pest would stay too. Poor Ash! Having to deal with this misery isn’t good for his health.
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Monday, March 14, 2005
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Friday, March 11, 2005
I feel fat, bloated and bulgy this morning and it’s depressing me. What’s worse I need to crap badly but I didn’t have time to do it. I have to do it once I reach my workplace which is an hour away. I hope I make it in time without any accident
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Friday, March 11, 2005
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Thursday, March 10, 2005
Life is good without my mother or her son spoiling my days. The only thing I regret is that I can’t give Uncle a good life that he deserves. He’s the best stepfather I could ever have. What must he be thinking about my mother’s children? I don’t wanna know. What with his own kids not caring about him…and now us. I wish I could let him know that I got nothing against him even though mum said he used vulgar language at her. Knowing mum’s habit of nagging and her insensitive words, maybe she deserves it... After wiping his life savings clean she can’t complain much kan?
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Thursday, March 10, 2005
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Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Me and Ash went and met up with our chosen contractor yesterday. Everything was fine until Siti came. It was as if I was put on invisible mode when she is around. They were talking about which contractor he decided on and he said the second. I didn’t know which one was that and so I asked. He didn’t answer even though later he claimed he did. He was to busy paying attention to his sister; he didn’t even notice I was lagging behind. When we were there, the siblings sat down while I was left standing. He knew something was up my ass just by looking at my face. I could never hide my emotions well. After everything was settled I told him off, not in Siti’s presence of course, I told him I felt excluded, I tried explaining but as always he got mad without understanding why I made such a big fuss over it. It reminded me of my own fucked-up family. They often make major, life-changing decisions without consulting me. It was as if I didn’t have the right to say anything which was in actual fact, true. I may sound petty but if I don’t have any say in our new home, doesn’t that mean I am not important enough? Maybe I’m good enough to be just a follower. I’m never good making decisions but I wanted to be involved, be there when something was being decided, to be aware of what’s happening. He was saying stuff about having to do much ass kissing. Weird, isn’t it to ass-kiss your sister when you had worked hard to give her a good education for her to be where she is now? I hate it when he and his mother put her on the pedestal as if she was some kind of goddess…which she is definitely not. Or maybe I’m being my grouchy self these past few weeks.
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Wednesday, March 09, 2005
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Tuesday, March 08, 2005
The bus driver waited for me while I sashayed my way towards the bus stop. Was I looking extra sweet this morning and that’s the why he had waited for me so patiently? Or is it because he was an Indian young man and Indians have always fancied me madly, like forever for as long as I can remember, that he bothered to wait up? Go figure.
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Tuesday, March 08, 2005
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Monday, March 07, 2005
I got to know from Lin that my mother’s son has no intention whatsoever of ever mending fences with me. Obviously I don’t know him even after 3 decades. We grew up together but received different moral values from our mother. I don’t know how he thinks. Maybe from whatever love our mother had given him, he assumed, not entirely his fault, that he could do no wrong in her eyes, even if he did. I don’t know what I did that I was treated as such. Sure in the beginning I was furious. Understandably so because he left us in the lurch. But I could have forgiven him if he had only returned. And I did forgive him at first but his head was much bigger than his heart. Because he is the favorite child, because he is the man of the house, he thought he could treat me this way. He and his mother. Peas from the same pod. I wanted to ask her why bother having me if she’s gonna treat me like a stranger. There are times when I felt familyless. I shouldn’t be, should I? Then there are other times when I felt that cutting off all blood ties with them would be better for all of us. She calls him daily to ask whether he had taken his lunch. Lin said they chatted like lovers do. She didn’t call no more. I’m partly relieved because I got phobic tendencies when she did but the other half of me wish she had loved me as much as she does him. MIL is great most of the times but she is somebody else’s mother. It’s just not the same. Lin said he has not been working for the past month. He’s s looking after her kids while she works the night shift. I told her not to defend me. That only got her a beating. I don’t know why she took him back. He’s such an asshole. Our father wasn’t a wife beater. Don’t know where he got that violent trait from. I don’t ever want to see his face. And if I ever did I would refuse to acknowledge his presence. I thought of not ever setting foot in that house but I still have my stuff in there. And if I got married his absence will not be missed. I want her to come but if she is as big-headed as he is…what can I say? Ash said I shouldn’t think too much about them. I don’t when I’m with him but when memories invade my mind, that’s the time I got all teary-eyed and depressed. Come to think of it, I give them too much credit when I mean naught to them.
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Monday, March 07, 2005
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Saturday, March 05, 2005
I drove myself crazy yesterday thinking about having not enough money. Yea, what I got ain’t much so here we are trying to get more. We decided to get a bank loan but first gotta do an estimation of the lowest amount we need for renovation.
I was resentful of the fact that mother-in-law (MIL) suggested we borrow from Siti. No way! I knew she would say something like that but I had already warned Ash not to. I hate the way she demanded to know when the money would be returned even before she hands us the money. Bitch!
Another thing I wasn’t happy about is the fact that every time we have to make a major decision we always have to refer to her because she is “knowledgeable” about everything. Do I have to get back to her if I wanted to have kids of my own? I guess so.
And yesterday it was another one of those days when depression came for a visit. Ash knew me so well. He was there to comfort me. I told him about mum not calling me and about how I felt so used, how she used to need me but when her son came home, I was forgotten. Ash told me to go home and visit but I won’t. I’ve got my pride still intact in me. If people treat me like shit, like some stranger, why should I go running back to them? I told him I got nobody else to turn to except him and I confessed that I can’t live without him so that was why I kept nagging at him to quit smoking. If anything happens to him…He promised to buy nicotine patches. Maybe he was just saying that to make me happy but I hope what I said about couldn’t live without him had that much impact on him, that he realised how much he mean to me, in spite of me behaving bad often. Anyway I wanna show them that we are happy together, that I got a man who stands beside me, giving me support when I’m on shaky ground, who can give me things money can buy. I was a blubbering idiot because I saw our lives as bleak and hopeless. But Ash and me, we always manage to fall on our feet, we always manage to get by no matter how bad the situation is. We will survive this as long as we have each other.
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Saturday, March 05, 2005
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Thursday, March 03, 2005
Today’s the day when cash rolls in my way. I hope that I get more than the amount I glimpsed few weeks ago – 5k plus. I had expected 10k, half of which is for the wedding and rest for some minor house renovation. Ash had predicted we would get at least 15-18k. I told him not to be too greedy or we would end getting disappointed. But I really do wish we get more. Have to wait and see. Scared, excited and ready to be let down…hard.
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Thursday, March 03, 2005
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