I miss the way he treated me...like a princess. He never ever once quit hugging me, he never did let go of my hands, he never really stopped loving me. I missed that feeling of love, of intimacy. I missed it so much.
I wrote you a letter and I put it in the pocket of your working shirt. You bound to find it tomorrow. While you were happily snoring away in slumberland, I was crying my eyes out, comforting myself, feeling alone and neglected.
I shouldn't feel alone should I when I just have to reach my hands and touch you but I am. If I wasn't lonely, I won't be crying I won't be thinking about another man would I?
Why are men generally good at being boyfriends but totally sucks as fiances and husbands? What did we women do wrong? Didn't we love them so much so we almost die for them? Didn't we did what they asked us to do? What is it we are lacking? Did we nag too much? Did we let ourselves go to flab? Did we bitch 24/7?
I remember another ex boyfriend's advice. Don't love your partner 100%. Give them half of that. Nothing is forever. You never know whether you will be with that person for long or not. How true! But he forgot the fact that I never love half-heartedly. I gave my all in all my relationships...even in unrequited love. And so I dumped him. I didn't want to waste my time with somebody who gave me half his heart when I gave him total control of mine.
Is it you? Or is it just me demanding too much from you? I don't demand that much from you kan? All I ever wanted was for you to love me and spare me a little bit of your time. Is that so hard? If another dickhead could do that, why can't you?
Like I said in that letter, I am tired of being my pathetic self. I am so tired of crying silently while you go on living oblivious to my pain. You don't know how bad I wanted to start a fight with you but I know I will never win the battle or the war. Seems so hopeless, doesn't it? Nak gadoh nanti you get angry and fall sick. Nak diam selamanya makan hati berulam jantung pulak aku.
Maybe I'm letting my emotions get the best of me. I am always so emotional. Maybe I feel better tomorrow but I leave that memo with you. Useless to talk to you. You never listen and I'm tired of talking to someone who is deaf...or pretending to be deaf.
Sunday, September 05, 2004
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