ÂªÃ±Â¡Â§ ÂªÂ§hÂ®Âªff pÂªÂ®t II

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

I was angry with a few people yesterday.

Kak Zah * Ah Wan - Aku rasa macam aku dianaktirikan. It was pretty obvious Ah Wan tu sayangkan Kak Zah. Half day je kat pat sealing then put her on packing N40. Abih aku? I dah kat sealing for 2 days alone. My hands was starting to ache but did anyone care? Of course not. Bila Ah Wan tanya aku OT I said no. She asked why and I unsmilingly said nothing. She didn't persuade me to OT. I wish she did. Just to show I am as important as the rest of them. Maybe she was a little afraid because I was serious. Alahhhh semua sama lah. Asek menjeng dengan Kak Zah je. For the first time in 2 years I was eaten up with jealousy. Pasal Kak Zah selalu bawak extra food for them, buat rojak lah, roti lah...apa-apa lah...is that why they like her that much? Aku ni tak mampu and tak tau nak ngampu orang that way. I like them in spite of their faults and so I expect them to like me in spite of mine. Didn't I make them laugh all the time? Didn't I play the fool with them everyday? I was so pissed I decided not to go to work today. Let them miss me.

Mak - She called me when I was already frazzled with work. Crying a bit, she informd me the electricity got cut off. Shit! Then she asked me to help her out. I asked her how when my pay is at the end of the month. Partly angry partly concerned I shouted at her. I told her she refused to control her usage knowing how much my salary is and now see what happened. I wanted to tell her when I told her to be stingy dia panggil aku bodoh. Sekarang bila dah macam gini who does she run to? Me! Not her siblings, not her godsista yang she kept calling in Seremban, not her niece she called in JB. ME! And of course not her beloved son which is still a sore point with me. So later aku yang bodoh ni nak go to SP branch kat Civic Centre, negotiate with them. If really dorang potong aku yang bodoh ni nak kena pujuk dorang on balik. I hope it was just false alarm. Blackout ke...repair work ke because there was once electricity was shut down for a while and mak lupa padahal HDB dah kasi leaflet, informing the residents. Pun sama lah macam gini...gegar aku kat pat keje. I was so stressed out I took a few minutes off work to cry kat pat 1 korner.

Myself- I'm angry with myself because aku tak boleh jaga my parents. Tu je lah. The story might be short tapi...If I keep on berating myself, I won't have any will to live lah. Aizzzzzz

Anak mak - I wish he's dead. Abis citer. If he ever come home, I don't think I can forgive him easily. Not after what he had done to his mother and me. He really drained us out emotionally. I still can't call him my brother (phuittttttttttttttt). Lidah aku kelu tekak aku loya. Nasib baik dia tu taller and bigger than me. If not, I swear I beat him up real good. Even that won't compensate for all the misery he put us through. Should I go and find him? If I did, What do I say to him? Nothing. I can't even look him in the eyes. I just don't want to see him. It will take lots of time before I could forgive him...apa lagi nak melupakan. I never forget even when I already forgave.Thank God for Ash. When I called him to tell him about this, hearing his voice reassured me. What a messed-up life!

God - Aku marah dengan Tuhan sebab dari kecik sampai aku dah tua macam gini Dia put me in so much misery I wonder how long before I give it all up. I always say to myself...convince myself all these builds up my character...makes me strong but for how long can I lie to myself. Baru nak senang sikit lain musibah datang. Bila game nak over? Starting from my surgery when I was 3 years old, anak mak dengan aku keluar masuk hospital, my parents' divorce, my mum's obvious partiality to the son, my own divorce, Ash's stroke...bila game of misery nak over eh?

Ash - After what telah happened he had to say something nasty. Dia tanya Camelia if she was ok. When I asked him what's up with that dia kata that was a way to train people to be concerned. So I jokingly said tak concern pun pasal aku. And he said something like concern comes from mothers to children. I took offence at that. It was as if he was implying my parents didn't teach me to be concerned for others. What the fak???!!! I asked him what he meant by that remark. He didn't answer. I asked him aku tak concern ke? He didn't answer though both of us were staring at each other. Aku pun start meleter. I told him to think about what he said jangan asal boleh je hembus. I didn't mean to cry but I did. I cried more in the toilet. I won't give him the satisfaction of seeing my tears. He can be such an insensitive jerk. Dah sakitkan hati aku tu satu hal...say something lah. Sorry ke or just hug me ke in case the word "sorry" tu susah sangat nak diucapkan. Ash ni eh selalu lah hurt my feelings with these kinds of remarks...I see it as personal attacks. Aku ni pun kira laser but I don't damn his side of the family like that. Aku jaga hati dia, think about what I am going to say. Why hurt someone you love by damning his family? Sometimes what he said is true especially about my mum and her son but jangan lah malukan aku depan mak dia kan? I don't do that. Tapi betul lah semalam hati aku bengkak dia implied aku tak concerned. Beladi hell! Kalau aku tak concern he think I stuck with him...even now? Nanti kalau aku bukak buku, orang kata aku ungkit pulak kan. So semalam I bite my tongue and not mentioned anything about the hospital visits. Asshole! Satu kali aku hentak pala botak dia baru padan muka heheh.

i'm watching you...
Wednesday, September 22, 2004

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