Aizzzz because of me Ash semalam marah mak dia. I was tired coming home from work. Like always I unlocked the big lock at the gate. Dah tu aku pun bukak pintu but tak tau sapa punya keje...pintu diselak dari dalam. I was starting to call Ash to open up when Camelia opened the door with that guilty look on her face. Aku pun apa lagi...bebel lah. Aku kata dah lah aku balik penat-penat orang kunci pintu dari dalam pulak. I should have just stop there. Did I? Of course not. Aku masuk bilik, aku bebel lagi...this time in Ash's ears who was smiling seeing me enter the room. He went out the room and he asked his mother about the door. He got mad. Though his mother's reason was kinda lame in my ears...dia kata pasal ada orang jual-jual barang ketok pintu...so what? Tak kan lah dorang boleh open up the door kan? Sheeeeeshhh! When I thought he got angry excessively, I told him to quit. It was just a small matter no point making it such a big one. He said who started to make a big issue of it then? I told him I didn't mean for him to scold his mother pe. He made noise about us making trouble knowing he was under pressure these few months.
When he said that, I didn't get angry. I wasn't even feeling hurt. I was sad. I knew what he was feeling. All the stress...the insecurities. I cried, not because of his anger but because of my helplessness not being able to help him out.
His boss had once again forbade him to OT...just because Ash came back last Sunday. I didn't want to hear stories about the shithead because I can't do anything except get angry on Ash's behalf. When he Ash told me yesterday at lunchtime, I wanted to fly to his workplace and fak his boss inside out face to face.He just didn't understand when we need the money now. He thought that just because Ash is having the aftermath effect of stroke, he is incapable in his work. But he has been doing the same workload just like before the stroke. Ash can't quit. Which other place would accpet him in his condition? So at the moment the best solution is to go straight to the manager and talk it over. From what Ash told me the manager seems like a person open to discussions...seems like a sensible man. I hope he talks to his manager today.
Maybe Ash's mother is angry with me. I woke her up this morning but she said Camelia is not going to school. She had a fever semalam. I told his mother...the son wanted to eat fried rice. Selalunya when I said it like that, dia bangun and masakkan...but today...she didn't. I should have apologise to her. It's my fault being such a petty bitch.
My life just went downhill from this point on.
Welcome To My Life by Simple Plan
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
But deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
No one ever lies straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
i'm watching you...
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
___________________________________________
On the same day aku akan pokai heheh. Anyway one of the first things aku nak beli is my radio walkman. Without music I can't work...I'm always sleepy and it's kind of degrading using radio with low quality sound. Another thing I have to do is pay back Kak Zah nyer $10. Suppose to return it last Wednesday but I didn't.
Friday was appraisal day. Everything was ok except my attendance. I got 4 out of 10. No full marks for me this time round. Last year I got a 10 for what aku tak ingat. I think it's my work performance. Wonder if I got a slightly higher increment than lasy year. Kalau nak comparekan...my attendance last year was much worse than this year. I think eh kalau dalam seminggu aku ada lah ponteng 2 ke 3 hari heheh...Malas beb nak gi keje. Asek lari gi Woodlands je aku. One good thing about living with Ash is that aku dah rajin sikit gi keje.
Still got to pay back Ronzie. Groceries of two houses. Ez link top-ups. Maybe I should go and find anak orang kaya mana eh...marry him..erkkk but nak tunggu dia mati lambat pulak. Better marry the father...amik yang dah 80 ke 90 ke.. Imagine masa nak mantat tu...eeeuuuwwwww gross me out sial heheh...all the loose skin...konek yang most probably dah mati pucuk...I think I much rather have Ash lah. Apa lah aku mepek ni?
i'm watching you...
Sunday, September 26, 2004
Sunday, September 26, 2004
___________________________________________
I felt guilty later but what to do? I know what she would do. She would sit down somewhere kat bawah blok rumah tu then nangis. Tu je yang dia tau nak buat. She can't help me out. She didn't even give me encouragement to be strong when she knew that my life sucks big time now. Sometimes she said she worried for me. Worry? She doesn't even know the worry I always have when I think about her and uncle. How to pay the bills and still have cash left to buy her the monthly groceries. All she has to do to help me is not to fak me up with the bills. I refused to pay the phone bills. LEt the line be dead. She can always call me from the public phone. I scolded her once for the overseas call. Pas aku marah dia when I get the following month's bill, mak aku macam buat tebiat pulak. She called more frequently at longer times. As if she protested againt my nagging. So potong sama dia. I am not going to pay anytime soon.
Most probably I am not going clubbing either. Actually after typing that down, I am 100% NOT going.
i'm watching you...
Saturday, September 25, 2004
Saturday, September 25, 2004
___________________________________________
That was the surprise. The surprise was that Ash asked me if it was ok for him to come and live with my mother for a while while waiting to buy a new house. I was like...Ash...and my mother...under one roof? You could have punch me in the face and maybe I won't feel the pain for at least a few minutes. I was that shocked. Because of my lack lustre response he was a bit put out, saying something like it was as if aku tak suka gitu dia dok kat Jurong. I told him it wasn't that. It was just that can he...could he stand to be in the same close space with my mother? I am her daughter and I can't. That's why I break away.
I am going to inform them when I send those grocery supplies at the end of the month. Imagine all the cleaning up to do. Shit! Ash has always been used to tidy house and clean floors. Aku jugak yang kena jadi babu. I decided that he should sleep in my mother's son's room...preferably with me. All his stuff from Woodlands...aku nak sumbat dalam bilik aku. Do I care if Mum au-au pasal me being on the same bed with him? Not really. It's as if I go and mantat dengan dia pe, unlike her son.
But all that cleaning up depresses me. I hate housework siak!
i'm watching you...
Friday, September 24, 2004
Friday, September 24, 2004
___________________________________________
It's so damn fakking tiring to work my butt off just so somebody else is well-taken of. What about me then? What about my dream of settling down and having kids of my own? How much longer do I have to put that away dalam lemari aku? Did you ever think about that?
You think only about your needs, your wants. I think about that as well. My needs, my wants ain't in the picture no more. Because of one beladi babi we come to this. Sometimes I hate you. I hate you for not letting me live my own life, I hate you for dragging me down in your miserable life, I hate you for not loving me. Why you think I left home? I hate the bleakness, I hate the life I had with you, I hate everything that have anything to do with you.
I was even willing to other another job because of you but my body forbids it. I don't want to die before my time. Did you ever look at me in pity, knowing how much sadness I have inside of me? I tried not to show it to you or anybody else but sometimes keeping a cheerful is so hard work. I usually laugh it off...my misery...Why should I show my long face to friends or you? I don't want to put everybody in a lousy mood.
You put me in one hell of a mood. Thank God for Ash. He told me to go home and rest my mind. He knows how much these kinds of things stresses me out. Yeah him...the guy you told me to blow off. He never knew that you told me to dump him. He has never been a burden to me. He's my haven, unlike you. I hate you mother, so much right now.
i'm watching you...
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
___________________________________________
i'm watching you...
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
___________________________________________
You Are 0% Skilled @ Blowjobs!
You are not skilled at giving bj's. You don't have an oral bone in your body.
You can't remember the last time you gave someone a blow job and didn't want to puke.
Your technique is bad -so bad it makes your lover cringe.
You dislike giving oral sex and it shows.
Make up for lacking in this area with creative sexual positions.
It's the only way you'll keep your partner interested.
How Does Your Blow Job Rate?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva
I prefer to hold a penis in my hand then to blow it. But so far no complaints from those people I tried..at least not in my hearing. That is not bad kan?
|
You Are A Relationship Doormat!Surprise, you ruin relationships. Bet you didn't see that one coming :-) While you're a nice, understanding, and caring girlfriend - you don't put your needs first. And deep down, it's probably because you worry about getting dumped. So speak up for yourself, weed out the losers sooner, and you'll find a guy that *deserves* you. Do You Ruin Relationships? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance. |
I guess it's true...some of it..too tired to fight unless it's worth fighting for
Your True Sign Is Cancer
Cozy
Moody
Romantic
Traditional
Ultra-Sensitive
Unable to Let Go
The Most Loving Ever
Intuitive and Imaginative
What's Your True Zodiac Sign? Take This Quiz :-)
Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.
But I like being a Scorpio
i'm watching you...
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
___________________________________________
I played with your heart, got lost in the game
Oh baby, baby
Oops!...You think I'm in love
That I'm sent from above
I'm not that innocent
~Britney Spears~
Oh yeah he did it again...making me laugh when I wanted to stay mad at him. I guess that is his way of making it up to me after his stupidity last night. How could I stay angry with my baby huh? Especially when he looked so yummylicious this morning. I told him he looked so handsome. He retorted back he always look handsome...only I didn't notice that. Chehhhh!!! Kerek pulak. At least I told him so. Kalau part aku..ehmm belum lagi dengar kat telinga aku ni dia kata aku jembu. Coz I'm not. At least not yet. To the dentist I go...soon. Should have taken a pic of him. And put it here. After his last one, that will redeem him in your eyes heheh.
I'm just as bad as my girlfriend. Aku baru je tadi bebel dengan Ash member asek bual pasal boipren je. Dah macam tak de citer gitu. And here I go blabbering about my darling. 2X5 = 10 siak aku muekekekeke. Oh well...in love and in lust pe. Dah kat umah ni tak tau nak buat apa. Masturbate, anyone??
i'm watching you...
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
___________________________________________
Kak Zah * Ah Wan - Aku rasa macam aku dianaktirikan. It was pretty obvious Ah Wan tu sayangkan Kak Zah. Half day je kat pat sealing then put her on packing N40. Abih aku? I dah kat sealing for 2 days alone. My hands was starting to ache but did anyone care? Of course not. Bila Ah Wan tanya aku OT I said no. She asked why and I unsmilingly said nothing. She didn't persuade me to OT. I wish she did. Just to show I am as important as the rest of them. Maybe she was a little afraid because I was serious. Alahhhh semua sama lah. Asek menjeng dengan Kak Zah je. For the first time in 2 years I was eaten up with jealousy. Pasal Kak Zah selalu bawak extra food for them, buat rojak lah, roti lah...apa-apa lah...is that why they like her that much? Aku ni tak mampu and tak tau nak ngampu orang that way. I like them in spite of their faults and so I expect them to like me in spite of mine. Didn't I make them laugh all the time? Didn't I play the fool with them everyday? I was so pissed I decided not to go to work today. Let them miss me.
Mak - She called me when I was already frazzled with work. Crying a bit, she informd me the electricity got cut off. Shit! Then she asked me to help her out. I asked her how when my pay is at the end of the month. Partly angry partly concerned I shouted at her. I told her she refused to control her usage knowing how much my salary is and now see what happened. I wanted to tell her when I told her to be stingy dia panggil aku bodoh. Sekarang bila dah macam gini who does she run to? Me! Not her siblings, not her godsista yang she kept calling in Seremban, not her niece she called in JB. ME! And of course not her beloved son which is still a sore point with me. So later aku yang bodoh ni nak go to SP branch kat Civic Centre, negotiate with them. If really dorang potong aku yang bodoh ni nak kena pujuk dorang on balik. I hope it was just false alarm. Blackout ke...repair work ke because there was once electricity was shut down for a while and mak lupa padahal HDB dah kasi leaflet, informing the residents. Pun sama lah macam gini...gegar aku kat pat keje. I was so stressed out I took a few minutes off work to cry kat pat 1 korner.
Myself- I'm angry with myself because aku tak boleh jaga my parents. Tu je lah. The story might be short tapi...If I keep on berating myself, I won't have any will to live lah. Aizzzzzz
Anak mak - I wish he's dead. Abis citer. If he ever come home, I don't think I can forgive him easily. Not after what he had done to his mother and me. He really drained us out emotionally. I still can't call him my brother (phuittttttttttttttt). Lidah aku kelu tekak aku loya. Nasib baik dia tu taller and bigger than me. If not, I swear I beat him up real good. Even that won't compensate for all the misery he put us through. Should I go and find him? If I did, What do I say to him? Nothing. I can't even look him in the eyes. I just don't want to see him. It will take lots of time before I could forgive him...apa lagi nak melupakan. I never forget even when I already forgave.Thank God for Ash. When I called him to tell him about this, hearing his voice reassured me. What a messed-up life!
God - Aku marah dengan Tuhan sebab dari kecik sampai aku dah tua macam gini Dia put me in so much misery I wonder how long before I give it all up. I always say to myself...convince myself all these builds up my character...makes me strong but for how long can I lie to myself. Baru nak senang sikit lain musibah datang. Bila game nak over? Starting from my surgery when I was 3 years old, anak mak dengan aku keluar masuk hospital, my parents' divorce, my mum's obvious partiality to the son, my own divorce, Ash's stroke...bila game of misery nak over eh?
Ash - After what telah happened he had to say something nasty. Dia tanya Camelia if she was ok. When I asked him what's up with that dia kata that was a way to train people to be concerned. So I jokingly said tak concern pun pasal aku. And he said something like concern comes from mothers to children. I took offence at that. It was as if he was implying my parents didn't teach me to be concerned for others. What the fak???!!! I asked him what he meant by that remark. He didn't answer. I asked him aku tak concern ke? He didn't answer though both of us were staring at each other. Aku pun start meleter. I told him to think about what he said jangan asal boleh je hembus. I didn't mean to cry but I did. I cried more in the toilet. I won't give him the satisfaction of seeing my tears. He can be such an insensitive jerk. Dah sakitkan hati aku tu satu hal...say something lah. Sorry ke or just hug me ke in case the word "sorry" tu susah sangat nak diucapkan. Ash ni eh selalu lah hurt my feelings with these kinds of remarks...I see it as personal attacks. Aku ni pun kira laser but I don't damn his side of the family like that. Aku jaga hati dia, think about what I am going to say. Why hurt someone you love by damning his family? Sometimes what he said is true especially about my mum and her son but jangan lah malukan aku depan mak dia kan? I don't do that. Tapi betul lah semalam hati aku bengkak dia implied aku tak concerned. Beladi hell! Kalau aku tak concern he think I stuck with him...even now? Nanti kalau aku bukak buku, orang kata aku ungkit pulak kan. So semalam I bite my tongue and not mentioned anything about the hospital visits. Asshole! Satu kali aku hentak pala botak dia baru padan muka heheh.
i'm watching you...
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
___________________________________________
Pagi semalam without reason aku teringatkan si babi tu pulak. Aizzz maybe I shouldn't call her that but aku masih tak rasa puas hati dia pijak wayar aku. She didn't give time to defend myself. actually I shouldn't pasal I made that remark innocently not intending to hurt her. Beladi hell! Wasting my fakking time and brain power gi pikir pasal dia. If not for the fact that we were always on the same frequency level, she would mean nothing to me.
Looks the the 2 biawak tu dah tak keje. Another beladi hell. Pasal dorang aku kena marah dengan Ash. Just because I told him to close the door. Tak kan aku nak golek-golek atas katil with the door wide open. He scolded me. Dia kata kita pun ikut macam dorang asek tutup pintu je sebab tu dorang suka-suka keluar masuk bilik...main telepon...merambu sana-sini. What the fak that has got to do with me? He was the one who let them in...who let them free rein in their house...apa kena mengena dengan aku. Because of his compassion for the person he called brother, gini lah jadi nyer.
Thank God we are moving out soon. Somewhere small. 3I HDB flat. Maybe kat Marsiling. Ash kept asking me whether it was ok to downgrade. I told him as long as it could lessen his burden and we got a roof over our head and those 2 alligators would be forced out of the house, I'm game. My parents used to live in 3I flat. 2 rooms..long rectangular hall...large kitchen. Kalau betul-betul ikut hati aku...aku nak dok kat banglo besar like mini castle atas bukit with long driveway...trees all around. You got cash to burn tak pa?
i'm watching you...
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
___________________________________________
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you
...my kojak posing maut huh
i'm watching you...
Sunday, September 19, 2004
Sunday, September 19, 2004
___________________________________________
my two colleagues who resigned
i'm watching you...
Sunday, September 19, 2004
Sunday, September 19, 2004
___________________________________________
Anak sapa eh si Berkie tu? Masuk sini dah tu nak au-au pulak. I assume kau tu jantan kan sebab tu marah sangat lepas aku kutuk one of my ex boyfriends. Usually people get angry when I speak the truth about them. So are you one of those bus-tarts yang unfaithful to their partners? Cukup tak tu aku kasi kau 5 minutes of fame?
Dah lama eh aku tak blog? Sorry...I was too tired to even switch on the computer. Been busy working overtime. Dah nak raya lah oiiii so I got no choice. Have to work till I literally drop.
A friend smsed me earlier asking me to go clubbing with her on the 1st. She knows I can't say no to that. My weakness tu. The problem is...she's not much fun to go clubbing with. Dia selalu menten ayu kat disco. She doesn't even get high on booze. And definitely she didn't see me home safely. Should I go? I was thinking of asking an old friend to go with us. He drives a car and much more fun. He can send me home so I can save on my cab fare. And I didn't see him for nearly a year I think. It could be longer than that.
I'll think about it lah. I got bills to pay, mouths to feed. Ain't got much to spare.
While I've been away, lots of things happened. 2 of my colleagues resigned, a friend called, telling me her friend saw her hubby with another woman, police came to Ash's place.
Colleagues resigned - Aku dengan Kak zah nangis because those two were close to us. We always fooled around with them. Didn't mean to cry but aku mana boleh tengok orang nangis. Took pictures of them for memories' sake.
Friend called - That particular person whose husband cheated on her 3 times, once with me. She called me and said no wonder lah laki dia tak nak skendel dengan aku. He already got someone else. I was pissed off with her and him...him for obvious reasons...and she because dia tak dengar nasihat aku. Wasted siak. Told her..actually I scolded her (hehehe) to forget about him and get on with her life. Spend time with her 2 lovely kids and friends she let go. I'm very good at dispensing advice but difficult to listen to any. Who does anyway? I hope this time round dia dengar kata aku. Maybe I'll ask her if she wanna go clubbing together.
Police came - Citer panjang. Abang Mamat brought back the son he had with a former girlfriend. Budak tu orang jaga...since he was a baby. He was supposed to be returned on the weekend but the father didn't. Kakak kata abang nak simpan budak tu forever since the babysitter was playing hide-and-seek bila dorang datang nak amik budak tu. The babysitter kept on calling, crying. Sian Cik Idah tu. I think she fell sick pasal rindu sangat dengan Erfan. When all else fails, Cik Idah called the police to try and seiz the kid. Erfan was in our room playing - he loves to be in our room - when kakak masuk room in a rush without knocking on the door and took erfan away like a thief in fear. I told Ash to not be involved. It was their mess..let them clean it up. Ash did just that and watched like some kind of UN officer siak. Finally after all the mud slinging crap, Erfan's mother, who was along for the ride, got back the son. Of course lah she would return the boy to the babysitter. Ash kata most probably abang Mamat had done something to anger Cik Idah and her husband sebab tu dorang tak kasi dia amik anak dia.
Maybe I should take a pic of Ash's brother and his wife. Like my good pal remarked, they really resemble a couple of jerangkongs. At least my sista-in-law is. Skinny and bony. Kurus kedeket, I think my boobs are bigger than hers and I got small boobs heheh.
i'm watching you...
Sunday, September 19, 2004
Sunday, September 19, 2004
___________________________________________
I still feel guilty. The funny thing is even though she didn't forget that I had an affair with her hubby, she still makes the effort to be my friend. Isn't she nice?
We talked and talked. I told her he doesn't worth all her sacrifices. I told her to get her own life, spend time with her kids, meet up with her friends she abandoned soon after she married him. Why should she be recluse just because she's a wife and mother? Why did she have to wait for him to change and talk to her? He won't. I told her even though she cares, apparently he doesn't. He's taking advantage of his wife's patience. If I were her, I would have left him long ago. Kids or no kids. It is better to be beaten up by your husband because you can see the damage. Emotional battering has no visible scars.
When she got back home, he was awake and busy with sms. No doubt with the new girlfriend. He is so transparent. When he got somebody else, he refuses to talk to his wife, throws tantrums and can't stand to be in the same room with the wife. Bodoh sial! Kalau nak skendel pun pandai-pandai lah cover track. Ni tak...nak tunjuk besar kepala dengan bini..konon dia laku kalau bini dia tak nak dia. What a loser!
i'm watching you...
Saturday, September 11, 2004
Saturday, September 11, 2004
___________________________________________
It seemed right to meet her when she asked me to last night on the phone. She needed to talk and I'm willing to lend her my listening ears because I'm such a good friend. But this morning while getting dressed to work, I asked myself what the hell am I'm doing? It's been 4 years, shouldn't I get on with my life? We should have sit down and talked about it 4 years ago and this meeting today is just a little too late isn't it?
And it hurts to know the one person I trusted then was the one who betrayed me. I trusted her with my secret and she went and blabbed it around. Thank God I don't have anything to do with her much now. That was the first inkling of how trustworthy people on the net are. Maklum dulu kan aku was a chat virgin. What do I know? I know so much better now.
I was known to be a hot-headed kind of person then. I am now but I'm mellowed. I am the kind of person who get angry when provoked. That's what I told her. If she had talked to me nicely, I would have listened. But a woman cheated won't be kind. I won't. But people discouraged her from even opening her mouth and so she didn't. I don't know. Maybe people at Tampines Starbucks would have watched a catfight then. Or a drama serial if one or both of us had broken down and cried.
I admit I was feeling guilty then. I couldn't even look her in the eye. It was my first time being the other woman. And it hurt as well. Took me a while to get over it. Maybe I didn't. So what the hell am I doing opening wounds that had long ago heal?
i'm watching you...
Friday, September 10, 2004
Friday, September 10, 2004
___________________________________________
That's what you said last night when I put my arms around you. I was sleepy, I could have heard it wrong but if I did, it wouldn't have hurt so much kan?
You know you always manage to say something so hurtful to me. I don't know how you did it but you do. And I don't know if it is your intention to continually do so to make me hate you. No, I don't hate you but it hurts just the same.
My touch repulsed you now? So what is the point of us being together on the same bed? You can always talk me into going home. If you insist, I would have.
And like always, you were oblivious to the tears I shed for your words. I told you about my past relationships and how I always got burn. The reason I told you is not to show off that I got too many boyfriends to count. It was because I didn't want to be treated badly. You know what I like what I dislike and yet...
Maybe I heard you wrong. I was so groggy. But that word - rimas - rang in my ears way after you snored to sleep. I myself couldn't close my eyes after that padahal I was so tired and needed some sleep. You are such an insensitive jerk, aren't you?
The Trouble With Love Is
Oooh oooh, ooooh yeah, mmmm...
Love can be a many splendored thing
Can't deny the joy it brings
A dozen roses, diamond rings
Dreams for sale and fairy tales
It'll make you hear a symphony
And you just want the world to see
But like a drug that makes you blind,
It'll fool ya every time
The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See, you got no say at all
Now I was once a fool, it's true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world's a deeper blue
I'm sadder, but I'm wiser too
I swore I'd never love again
I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn't worth the pain
But then I hear it call my name
(The trouble with) The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See, you got no say at all
Every time I turn around
I think I've got it all figured out
My heart keeps callin' and I keep on fallin'
Over and over again
The sad story always ends the same
Me standin' in the pourin' rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two
(The trouble with love is) The trouble with love, yeah
(It can tear you up inside) It can tear you up inside
(Make your heart believe a lie) Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
(The trouble with love is)
It's in your heart
It's in your soul (doesn't care how fast you fall)
You won't get no control
(and you can't refuse the call)
See, you got no say at all
(The trouble with love is) Oh, yeah
(It can tear you up inside)
(Make your heart believe a lie)
And you...I don't want to know about your child custody thingy. I had enough problems of my own that you didn't bother to know. And some of the problems are caused by you. You are older than me. You should have better sense. You shouldn't have told me anything. I don't wanna know.
And you...it hurts to know you have somebody else. I know I got no right over you but it hurts just the same. Is it love? Or infatuation? I don't know. I didn't ask myself that. I just want to enjoy your company while it lasts. Anyway what ever feelings you have for me is not as strong as what I have for you. I should have locked my heart in the freezer where you are concerned. You are just too sweet and gentle for me. And that's where my weakness lies.
i'm watching you...
Thursday, September 09, 2004
Thursday, September 09, 2004
___________________________________________
If you havin girl problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one
I got the Rap Patrol on the gat patrol
Foes that wanna make sure my casket's closed
Rap critics that say he's "Money, Cash, Hoes"
I'm from the hood stupid, what type of facts are those?
If you grew up with holes in your zapper toes
You'd celebrate the minute you was havin dough
I'm like fuck critics, you can kiss my whole asshole
If you don't like my lyrics, you can press fast forward
Got beef with radio if I don't play they show
they don't play my hits - well I don't give a shit, SO!
Rap mags try and use my black ass
So advertisers can give 'em more cash for ads, fuckers!
I don't know what you take me as
Or understand the intelligence that Jay-Z has
I'm from, rags to riches, niggaz I ain't dumb
I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one - hit me!
99 problems but a bitch ain't one
If you havin girl problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one - hit me!
The year is ninety-four, in my trunk is raw
In my rearview mirror is the motherfuckin law
Got two choices y'all, pull over the car or (hmm)
bounce on the Devil, put the pedal to the floor
And I ain't tryin to see no highway chase with Jake
Plus I got a few dollars, I can fight the case
So I, pull over to the side of the road
"Son do you know why I'm stoppin you for?"
Cause I'm young and I'm black and my hat's real low
Or do I look like a mindreader sir? I don't know
Am I under arrest or should I guess some mo'?
"Well you was doin fifty-five in the fifty-four;
license and registration and step out of the car -
are you carryin a weapon on you? I know a lot of you are"
I ain't steppin out of shit, all my papers legit
"Well do you mind if I look around the car a little bit?"
Well my glove compartment is locked, so is the trunk in the back
And I know my rights, so you gon' need a warrant for that
"Aren't you sharp as a tack! You should try out
for lawyer or somethin, somebody important or somethin"
Child I ain't passed the bar, but I know a little bit
Enough that you won't illegally search my shit
"Well we'll see how smart you are when the canine comes"
I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one - hit me!
99 problems but a bitch ain't one
If you havin girl problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one - hit me!
99 problems but a bitch ain't one
If you havin girl problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one - hit me!
Now once upon a time, not too long ago
A nigga like myself had to strongarm a hoe
This is not a hoe in the sense of havin a pussy
But a pussy havin no God damn sense, try an' push me
I try to ignore him, talk to the Lord
Pray for him, but some fools just love to perform
You know the type, loud as a motorbike
But wouldn't bust a grape in a fruit fight
And only thing that's gon' happen is I'ma get to clappin and
he and his boys gon' be yappin to the Captain
And there I go, trapped in the Kit-Kat again
Back through the system with the riff-raff again
Fiends on the floor, scratchin again
Paparazzis with they cameras, snappin them
D.A. try to give a nigga shaft again
Half a mill' for bail cause I'm African
All because this fool was harassin them
Tryin to play the boy like he's saccharin
But ain't nuttin sweet bout how I hold my gun
I got 99 problems B and a bitch ain't one - hit me!
99 problems but a bitch ain't one
If you havin girl problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one - hit me!
99 problems but a bitch ain't one
If you havin girl problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one - hit me!
.. Whoo! Whoo! Uh, uh
Havin girl problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems and a bitch ain't one, ha ha!
You crazy for this one Rick! It's your boy!
When will the problems be gone...for good? I don't think they ever will even when we are dead and buried 7 feet under. Should I let go like someone advised me to? I can't even if I had to. I cherish this relationship so much that living without him would make me a living life in a trance.
Dah satu problem settle...problem yang lain pulak datang. If it is the effect of our sins I wouldn't have mind so much. But all these crap came from someone else...your flesh and blood. What can you do? Ignore it? Buat bodoh? We can if we could. Kalau kita buat bodoh pun the shit would still come to us, the innocent bystanders.
In times like this, I wish I was brave enough to fuck it all off and shoot them down. Dammit! I was raised to be respectful...and respect for the elders is so much instill in me I cannot be rude purposely. Even when the time demand me to be.
i'm watching you...
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
___________________________________________
I miss the way he treated me...like a princess. He never ever once quit hugging me, he never did let go of my hands, he never really stopped loving me. I missed that feeling of love, of intimacy. I missed it so much.
I wrote you a letter and I put it in the pocket of your working shirt. You bound to find it tomorrow. While you were happily snoring away in slumberland, I was crying my eyes out, comforting myself, feeling alone and neglected.
I shouldn't feel alone should I when I just have to reach my hands and touch you but I am. If I wasn't lonely, I won't be crying I won't be thinking about another man would I?
Why are men generally good at being boyfriends but totally sucks as fiances and husbands? What did we women do wrong? Didn't we love them so much so we almost die for them? Didn't we did what they asked us to do? What is it we are lacking? Did we nag too much? Did we let ourselves go to flab? Did we bitch 24/7?
I remember another ex boyfriend's advice. Don't love your partner 100%. Give them half of that. Nothing is forever. You never know whether you will be with that person for long or not. How true! But he forgot the fact that I never love half-heartedly. I gave my all in all my relationships...even in unrequited love. And so I dumped him. I didn't want to waste my time with somebody who gave me half his heart when I gave him total control of mine.
Is it you? Or is it just me demanding too much from you? I don't demand that much from you kan? All I ever wanted was for you to love me and spare me a little bit of your time. Is that so hard? If another dickhead could do that, why can't you?
Like I said in that letter, I am tired of being my pathetic self. I am so tired of crying silently while you go on living oblivious to my pain. You don't know how bad I wanted to start a fight with you but I know I will never win the battle or the war. Seems so hopeless, doesn't it? Nak gadoh nanti you get angry and fall sick. Nak diam selamanya makan hati berulam jantung pulak aku.
Maybe I'm letting my emotions get the best of me. I am always so emotional. Maybe I feel better tomorrow but I leave that memo with you. Useless to talk to you. You never listen and I'm tired of talking to someone who is deaf...or pretending to be deaf.
i'm watching you...
Sunday, September 05, 2004
Sunday, September 05, 2004
___________________________________________
Her story was her husband asked her to take 2 days' leave because their 9th wedding anniversary was I think semalam. I supposed he wanted to have a romantic night with the wifey but she said they can't go anywhere just the two of them because their 2 kids pun nak ikut. Just because of that both got flared up and argued. Last-last all plans got scraped.
I told her why don't ask her mother or any family members to look after the kids. Aku bukan lah nak blame dia but she herself is trying to make her rocky marriage worse. Why not ikut je cakap laki dia this time round? Have fun together, without kids to hinder? Aku pun tak side dengan laki dia. Perkara kecik nak dibesar-besarkan for what? Tak kesian ke dengan anak-anak? I came from a broken up family so I know lah the pain of growing up without my father.
You know what? Tadi I was thinking kan of asking the girlfriend for her hubby's number, I'll call him up and then aku skendel je dengan dia. Dulu pun masa aku dengan dia, we didn't spend our time hanky panky je. We sat down and talked and did stuff girlfriends-boyfriends do. And I also advised him to make amends with the wife and think about his kid ( he had a son then). Bini dia ni pun ok actually. Dia tak de serang-serang aku, maki-maki ke or harrass aku on the phone. Understood my pain when I had to let go.
Aku rasa lah kan but this is only my opinion, both my gal pal and the husband wanted different things from their marriage. I know the hubby suka kalau bini dia cuddle him. I always did. My gal...I guessed she wanted her hubby to be there for her and be less hot-headed.
I wish they don't have the need to divorce. They had been together for more than 9 years. Such a waste to let it all go to waste kan? Both still want to hold on to the other. If only they sit down and talk, compromise, and don't let anger rule their hearts, all would be alright again.
My first love. That was what he meant to me then. I was married and so was he. The difference being I was almost out of the marriage while he was still stuck in a supposedly unhappy one. I fell in love with him so deeply because he was so totally unlike my ex hubby. He was there every time I needed someone to hold me, to kiss me blind, to just be there. My ex...aizzzzz macam mana nak cakap eh? Aku agak lah eh ex aku tu kawin dengan aku just to make me his baby factory. That's it.
I knew then what I was getting myself into but I didn't care. I was so in love. I am never one who love half-heartedly. I did prepare myself for the inevitable day when he would leave me and return to her. I did urge him to. I had already decided to be single again while he remained unsure till today. I still remember that fateful day bawah blok umah aku kat Sengkang. Somehow or other I had this depressing feeling something bad was going to happen. And I was right. He had made up his mind to return to his wife and leave me. He talked and talked while me...I was trying to control my tears. I refused to cry in front of him. Bila dia blah je...fuhhh hujan turunlah lebat muekekekeke.
I can't remember lah exactly how long I cried myself to sleep or how long before I got over him. Might be a month...a year...lama lah before I can think about him without rasa sakit. I can't even go to gatherings where I knew he would be there with the wife. Very hati sakit you know. We were supposed to go to KL for the annual Yahoo! gathering on bike. I have always love riding bikes. At the end I go alone on a bus by myself. But that's ok I got a new boyfriend there :=)
i'm watching you...
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Thursday, September 02, 2004
___________________________________________
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SwEeT 33
FeMaLe...Of CoUrSe
2nd NoVeMbEr
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