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Wednesday, August 11, 2004

I cried myself to sleep last night. No...nothing bad happened. I just needed to cry. Just because Ash...he didn't hug me. Aizzzzzz...I know that is trivial but it matters to me. I still hadn't got used to the idea of him not hugging me at nights since he got sick.
I love him so much that it hurts when I have to be away from him. I feel as if my heart almost quit beating when he stays home while I'm at work. I feel the misery when he got fucked up by his boss. I feel the stress of being not able to pay off his bills.
When I woke up tadi for work, I didn't feel like going to work. I had to but I didn't want to. I wanted to stay in his arms and watch him sleep peacefully...regardless of the loud snoring. I don't know if I can go on if he ever leave me...or when he has to.
That is how I feel about him. Oh, I know he loves me but he doesn't love me with that kind of intensity. Sometimes I don't even know if he notice me beside me. I'm here because I want to be close to him and not because he needs me. He doesn't. He doesn't really need anyone. He can survive on his own.
Am I complaining? Maybe. Or maybe I just miss the old him. The one who told me he loves me so...The one who often smsed me to leave lovey-dovey messages on my handphone which I kept for months afterwards...The one who kissed me good morning every morning...The one who couldn't keep his hands off me...The one who bought me small inexpensive things just to please me...The one who brought me to watch movies and held my hand throughout the movies...The one who hugged me close to his heart until I fell asleep feeling loved...
When those things don't happen anymore, I feel cheated. I still do.
Early morning bitching.

i'm watching you...
Wednesday, August 11, 2004

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