ÂªÃ±Â¡Â§ ÂªÂ§hÂ®Âªff pÂªÂ®t II

Monday, May 31, 2004

I don't really know why but I found myself deeply disappointed about the Singapore Idol judges - Florence Lian, Douglas O, Dick Lee and a a bespectacled guy who I dislike at first sight (without knowing why...again). I don't believe anyone of them would be outspoken about their comments. I don't expect them to be another Simon Cowell but I don't want them to become wussies about voicing out their opinions. Major disappointment

Another peeve of mine is the Miss Singapore/Universe. I know here we have lots of beautiful girls but why is it pompan yang perasan jembu yang selalu dapat that beladi crown? I tell you tahun ni punya Miss Singapore will be invisible among the other Misses...like she always does

i'm watching you...
Monday, May 31, 2004

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Sunday, May 30, 2004

Spent some time at mom 's place semalam. I didn't thought I stayed long but I did. We bitched

a lot.

There was a moment when I confided in her but I knew she already knew what I was going to tell her anyway. Instead of telling me to be strong blah blah blah she gave me advice I didn't want to hear and I don't think I wish to do what she is asking me to do. At least..not yet. I wonder if I could have done better previously if I hadn't listen to her. But they always parents eat more salt than us..and so they know what's best for you. Do they really?

And we talked about her son. I told her if he ever wanted to come back home, let him. I'm so tired of being angry. No matter what he is the only sibling I have and I have never could keep grudges for long.

Tadi tengok citer Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham. Pinjam mak punya. Aku nangis berlambak-lambak

I forgot the story is so SAD. Nasib baik aku tak pinjam Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. Tu pun citer buang air mata gak. One thing I hate kan bila aku nak concentrate tengok citer tu...ada je manusia yg sebok nak ganggu. Nak bual lah...dah tu cover the beladi tv with their bodies. Kalau badan dia kiut macam aku tak pe jugak. Aku macam nak pekik je tadi. Terpaksa sabar. Aku nak tengok lagi after midnight. Time tu sume tengah buat taik mata tak kacau aku

i'm watching you...
Sunday, May 30, 2004

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Tuesday, May 25, 2004

I just confessed my lies to a person. I was thinking about doing that for the longest time but today I decided to go ahead and tell. I was quite relieved after opening up...for a while. It turned out that person was also keeping their own secrets...more secrets than me. And it hurts. Here I am thinking macam nak rak...dia kat sana pun ada perap rahsia jugak. Something unexpected.

No matter how long I am in that world, I still remain as gullible as always. I can never lie for long. Especially to people I care a lot (which means you lah my friends). For as long as I remain silent, I would feel guilty and worried. I have always believe friendship must always be founded on honesty. I don't like to be lied to so I must be honest when relationships are concerned.

Tak mau banyak bebel lah eh. The thing is I feel hurt. That is all I have to say.

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, May 25, 2004

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Sunday, May 23, 2004

Depressed. Unloved. Friendless. Angry. Bored. Fed-up. Insignificant. Stupid. Uneducated. Aimless. Unfilial. Selfish. Show-off. Lonely. Bad-tempered. Unfaithful. Idiot. Alone. Recluse. Harmless. Loud-mouthed. Unkind.

i'm watching you...
Sunday, May 23, 2004

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Thursday, May 20, 2004

Baru abis baca buku Of Fishes and Bicycle. Not too bad, kinda tame for me though but it's ok. Not boring. Made me look forward to reading the next page. Now time for some bitches - 4 Blondes by Candace Bushnell, that Sex and the City authoress. I love the series. Too bad tak show on HBO.

Pernah by Ferhad

Pengalaman mengajarku
Jangan mudah meluahkan isi hatiku
Tapi bila ia melamarku
Senyuman ayumu hatiku luas terbuka
Yang kuidamkan musnah
Yang kugenggam terpisah

( korus )
Aku pernah, jatuh cinta
Kerana cinta diriku merana
Aku pernah bahagia
Kata manisnya buat ku terpedaya

Biarkan aku temankan pilu
Haruskah cinta oh kejam padaku
Uhh yeahh

Kini mula ku terasakan
Degupan hatiku mula rasa oh gelisah
Kehadiranmu ku mengharapkan
Akan menghilangkan kegelapan di hidupku
Kau yang seharus yang pertama
Agar terakhir selamanya

( ulang korus )

Yang ku lupa, kisah yang lalu
Akan ku gubah oh hidup yang baru... uh yeah...
Kerana aku pernah... pernah yeah...

( ulang korus )

Kisah yang lama mengajar aku
Agar bahagia hidup bersamamu

Hey hey... Yang ku cinta...

I much prefer the new version..Ferhad nyanyi dengan Vince. Aku tak lah minat sangat dengan si Ferhad tu but this song aku berkenan banget. Reminds me of my first love.

Sebut pasal first love, a couple of weeks ago I saw ex skendel aku nyer bini online. We became friends soon after her husband dumped me to return to her. We relived those moments of tears when she knew about me...and when I knew about her two-timing hubby. We both kena tipu. I told her I really did love her hubby and she told me how her hubby sulked for a few days after breaking up with me. She also told me her husband did (still does??) like me. I was never sure about that. I have this suspicion that I was just somebody he wanted to have a fling with...while he was having problems with the wifey. She asked what is it about him that made me crazy for him. Frankly, I don't really know. Maybe because I was having my own problems with my beladi ex myself...maybe I was lonely and feeling unloved and he was just there when I needed him. How stupid can I be to fall in love with somebody else's husband?

It has been 4 years but still the memories remain..Macam lagu Metallica je

i'm watching you...
Thursday, May 20, 2004

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Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Smell anything fishy in here? You do? Don't worry...That's just me having my beladi period

Semalam punya entry macam lemau gitu but aku nak blog jugak. Ni dah datang balik aku punya rajin. And today...tadi dalam otak ada lah citer aku nak gi bebel kat sini. Dah dok depan pc ilham sume lari siak.

By the way I'm reading this book, Of Fishes and Bicycles by a Malaysian author, Winnie Yong. Accidental find in the library yesterday. I got this reaction from a person I know when he got to know I read books : "Axlia baca buku?" What does that mean? I'm not supposed to read? I am a bookworm. I have always loved books...Idiot! nasib baik aku suka ko...Kalau tak dah kena maki dengan aku

i'm watching you...
Wednesday, May 19, 2004

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Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Semalam aku ponteng lagi. I know I said I tak kan ikut Ash gi hospital but I did. Tak sampai hati letting him go by himself. Dah lah dia tu not yet normal...He's got an appointment on June 1st...a Tuesday. I think I have to let him go by himself tapi kalau dia ajak aku ikut...of course I follow him lah.

Kak Zah beli cicak plastik eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Dah tu kasi kat aku. Luckily for her, I was not holding anything in my hand. If not, aku dah lempar kat muka dia. First few things she teased me fine, I didn't mind so much but after a few times, it pissed me off pasal masa dorang bawak ular tu kat pat keje, I didn't tease her with that. Not fair siak...Put me in a lousy mood. Besok kalau dia buat lagi, aku nak pepek-pepek kan dia

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, May 18, 2004

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Sunday, May 16, 2004

Your Sign Is: Slippery When Wet

You're hot and sensual, and not exactly shy about it

You show off your assets constantly, and take whatever comes from it

"Work it" is a concept you've perfected, and you're the sexiest person everyone knows

You're shameless in how far you are willing to flirt... often with messy consequences

What's Your Street Sign?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

My butt is my best asset

Your Inner Eye Color Is Brown

You're smart, thoughtful, and the ideal woman for most men

You are kind and easy to trust. Men open up to you like no one else.

It's this inner warmness that attracts guys - and makes you an instant soulmate.

What's Your Inner Eye Color? Take This Quiz :-)

I do deal better with the men

You Are an Ass Phobic!

Up the butt? No thanks. In your opinion that's highly disgusting.

Not that you haven't considered it, in fact you're a little curious about the appeal.

If so many people like something that gross, there's got to be something to it...

But you're not sick (or brave) enough to find out any time soon

Do You Take It Up The Butt?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

No comment lah!!!

Your Lip Gloss Flavor Is: Cotton Candy

You're a total girly girl who's every guy is sweet on.

You take pleasure in the simple things in life, from cute t-shirts to stuffed animals.

Any guy needs to match your romantic idealism to win your heart, which is why few have.

No wonder Cotton Candy is your signature flavor. It's delicious, sugary, and fun - like you!

What Flavor Lip Gloss Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

I wish I am more girlish in character..but I'm not

You Should Pose Nude... And You Know It!

You're body is smokin'. Hot. It will not quit.

Maybe it's the product of genetics, hard work, or surgery.

No matter. You've got the boobs and butt men love to look at.

Keep it to yourself? That would be a major crime!

Should You Pose Nude... Or Keep It To Yourself?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

What can I say except

You Are A Professional Girlfriend!

You are the perfect girlfriend - big surprise!

Heaven knows you've had enough practice. That's why you're a total pro.

If there was an Emily Post of girlfriends, it would be you.

You know how to act in every situation ... to make both you and your guy happy.

What Kind Of Girlfriend Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

Yeah right...I am definitely NOT perfect

You Have Perky Boobs!

As they say, "More than a handful is a waste"

You're perfect for the guy with refined taste

The next time you're teased by some big boobed hag...

Just remember that your boobs don't sag!

What's Good About Your Boobs?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

i'm watching you...
Sunday, May 16, 2004

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How do my new blog look like now huh? Kinda different kan? Mata korang berbelang-belang tak?

But this new format unable me to see how many people come over my site

Maybe aku cari yang lain...tu pun kalau aku rajin.

My wrist hurt again. I couldn't do the simplest thing like opening a bottle of something or brushing my teeth. I did that with my left hand. No point gi jumpa doctor. She can't do much except give me something to rub on it. Nak gi urut...akit oiiiiiiiiiiiiii. Aku mana boleh tahan sakit.

Ash finally agreed to go to the hospital besok. I won't be following because I already ponteng on Friday. I thought he wanted to go on that day. Basket him! His mother au-au pasal how to take care of him...over and over again. You know me...orang kalau HBO dengan aku...my brain automatically off itself. MAybe she knows it maybe she doesn't. I try not to show my irritation but I really detest the subtle criticism. As if dia tak kenal anak dia. As if she didn't know about how stubborn he can be when he wants to get his way.

Ash kept sighing about his luck. I told him maybe right now kita susah banget but who knows maybe besok our luck would change for the better. We could never be like this forever kan?

i'm watching you...
Sunday, May 16, 2004

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Friday, May 14, 2004

This is a good night to read blogs of people who love to come over mine. Sorry people I didn't come over yours. My mind was fully pre occupied. So here I go

i'm watching you...
Friday, May 14, 2004

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Thursday, May 13, 2004

What can I say? I'm a little bit under the weather. No. I'm not sick. I'm just not as happy as I would like to be.

Anyway last week my line leader kena rompak...by a good friend...our ex-assistant line leader. Sume kat pat keje kecoh pasal Eily si pencuri tu didn't seem the type to steal. Dia kebas member punya ATM card and she knew the password. Chui Wan caya dengan memberz sangat and this is the thanks she got. About S$1800. Kalau tukar duit ringgit...double the amount. Chui Wan reported the loss just a little late. By the time she made the report the bird has flown...most probably back to Sarawak. And she wouldn't be able to work here anymore because if she even enter this country's immigration point, she would be busted. Lesson learnt : don't trust anyone when money is concerned.

This reminded me of that time when anak mak aku kebas duit aku. Same situation. I gave him my password and aku lupa ntah mana aku letak aku nyer ATM card and when I went to the bank to withdraw money, the teller said the amount I asked for exceeded what I had in the account. Memang lah tak banyak...I think about $350 but still that was my hard-earned money. Senang-senang je siak dia gi amik. Aku bilang mak nasib baik aku tak buat police report. Definitely kena tangkap.

And this also reminds me that I owned somebody money. I know I had promised to pay and I'm sorry but I can't. It's not like as if I don't ever want to pay up. I really wanted to but aku tiap-tiap bulan sesak. Kadang-kadang nak top up EZ link kad pun perit. I hope you understand my situation. If you don't...

what can I say?

i'm watching you...
Thursday, May 13, 2004

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Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Ash on MC for 2 days. His stroke is coming back...so apparent in his face. Mulut dia senget ke tepi and I tell you aku menyesal with whatever stuff I was thinking earlier in the day.

Papa...I know I have been such a bitch these few days. I'm sorry. I couldn't look you in the eyes tadi masa dinner because I did, I would have break down and cry. And I am trying so hard to put a brave front. I did cry tadi in the toilet while I was taking a crap. It was too much for me to take. I know you know I cry...because you know me so well.

I was just thinking in the morning that I would like to leave you and go back to my mom's place. I even thought about dumping you but that I know was all emotions talking. You know me...when I'm throwing tantrums I talk mostly shit.

Just so you know, I will NEVER leave you. I never could. I rather die with you then live without you. I wish Tuhan would give us some room to breathe before dia kasi kita dugaan sebegini rupa. I know everything happens for a reason...and yet...I am so tired of feeling depressed of having unsolved problems in my head all the time.

I hope you get well soon. I'm praying you will

i'm watching you...
Wednesday, May 12, 2004

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Monday, May 10, 2004

Wahhhh new classy-look blog. Got confused at the beginning. Ada dashboard...macam dalam kereta pulak

Tak tau apa citer tadi with Ash and the mother tapi topik is the very the basi - about his elder brother who has yet to find job. Aku baru dengar bini dia dah quit her job at the pub. Boss mana nak simpan cashier with big tummy. Tak keje pulak masih boleh merayap pulak. Kalau ikutkan hati aku, I would lock them out. Pi mampos kat luar. Dah lah dok umah tak tau nak bantu-bantu bayar apa-apa,...mcm bos besar sial suka-suka balik suka-suka keluar...on tv...badok...membuta kalau tak sampai matahari kat atas pala tak kan bangun.

Mak Ash bela abang dia...or at least try to see from her son's prospective. Si Ash pulak kalau dah marah asal boleh hembus je. Whatever mak dia berbual ada je dia nak bangkang. Dia dah bebel-bebel dengan mak dia...pandai pulak suruh aku gi tenangkan hati orang tua tu. What the hell can I do? I tried talking to her about some mundane stuffs. Mula-mula dia macam bo layan...after a while dia lembut hati. Nasib baik

I am really uncomfortable to be in the middle of any sticky situations.

Though I love you..a lot...sometimes you do behave like an ass lah papa. I wish I was brave enough to take the batu lesong and hentak pala you with that.

i'm watching you...
Monday, May 10, 2004

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Sunday, May 09, 2004

There are times when I need you for myself...and today is one of those days. I didn't eat the whole day semalam just so I could have a romantic dinner with you. And what did you do? You started off without waiting for me...sulking because I switched the tv channels. Because of a stupid soccer match you treated me like I'm nothing. You didn't see the tears in my eyes as I forced myself to swallow the food on my plate. You didn't talk to me. Kau buat aku macam tunggul dalam rumah ni. I put myself to sleep crying but of course you didn't know that.

You told me this morning we are going down to the shops. I thought it would be just the two of us. I thought wrong. It's always and often would be your family first before me. Am I being selfish? Of course I am...I can hear you say that. Haven't I got the right to be? Through all the flirtations I have had with other men, I always love you. I still do even when I was so angry with you I could kill you. I would do almost anything for you...I left my parents because of you...And all I ever wanted was for you to love me before you love anyone else.

My friends at work said I should return home so as to make you miss me. I am the one who can't leave you. I will be the one who miss you...the one who can't sleep at nights...the one going crazy. Never you. I am the emotional one...while you...you are the one which all the logic. Sometimes when love is concerned, you got to follow your heart and not your mind.

Sure you told me everyday you love me...but do you really mean it? Or are you saying that to please me? Or lie to yourself? When was the last time you hold me in your arms while I slept? When was the last time you kiss me good morning when you wake up? When was the last time you quit talking crap and look me with love in your eyes? When did you turn out to be so like my ex husband?

Because of soccer, my marriage started to crack. He was so obsessed with it he turned our home into a Manchester United museum. Even if you are not such a fanatic, you are almost as bad as he is. If you were given a choice - (a)to watch a soccer match on tv or (b) to spend time with me - you would have chosen (a).

We might as well not get married. I want to have your babies but I don't want you as my husband. It's hurt talking...Right now, I wish I was dead. Makes everybody's lives easier without me as excess baggage.

i'm watching you...
Sunday, May 09, 2004

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Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Yesterday I followed Ash see his company doctor. His medicine is almost finished and he had to get a new supply. Anyway while waiting, kita tengok Health TV..talk about health in general, taking care of your body. There was this part about an old man...who used to be rich...ada umah banglo ada business. Then one day he got struck down by kidney failure and his life went downhill from there. Zoe Tay interviewed him, asked him about what he had to go through, about how he almost killed himself, about how he lost his son through the same disease. Yang sedih tu kan part dia citer about the time when his son was dying, anak dia tanya...what is death like, whether is he important to his parents. Leleh-leleh airmata aku...Zoe Tay pun nangis jugak. It reminds me that nothing is forever...everything keeps changing all the time. It's a matter of us adjusting to the changes.

Aku pun going through changes. Nak jual umah mak tapi got stuck with the question mana mak dengan uncle nak duduk after umah kena jual when they can't buy or even rent a house? Pening pala think about this. I got until July to make a decision...After that

i'm watching you...
Wednesday, May 05, 2004

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Sunday, May 02, 2004

I love this song. So romantic..so...I don't know. Just attracts me...

The Reason by Hoobastank

I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

i'm watching you...
Sunday, May 02, 2004

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