ÂªÃ±Â¡Â§ ÂªÂ§hÂ®Âªff pÂªÂ®t II

Sunday, February 29, 2004

Just finished scolding Camelia

I had already told her yesterday that I would bring her to the library this evening. Nak return buku dia and take new ones. Early in the day Ash told me she followed her grandmother to her father's house. Bingit sial aku. Akud ah plan cantik-cantik ada je yang jadi obstacle.

Aku lagi bingit bila balik je nenek dia kata she got some unfinished homework. Dari Friday sampai Sunday, dia tak say anything about not doing any homework. I ngamok lah. She cried lah apa lagi. I told her one more time she slack like this, I am gonna give her one tight slap. So far I hadn't really lay my hands on her but don't push me. Aku paling particular about children not doing their homework. I told her time and again that Monday to Friday, buat homework, Saturday buat homework kelas ugama dengan Mendaki. Sunday is for her to rest her brain, go out jalan-jalan dengan nenek dia ke dengan aku ke. Ni anak step tak makan saman. Kalau anak sedara aku ke..anak aku sendiri, lebam mesti lebam nyer aku bantai.

This year very important year for Camelia. Ada streaming. Even if she can't go to EM1, dia masuk EM2 pun dah ok. I believe she is clever. Kalau dia boleh ingat every Malay dramas and movies, every actors and singers, she sure can remember her school lessons.

They bring her up all wrong. Cannot blame just one person. Everybody is to be blamed. Kadang-kadang bila aku nyer darah dah really go upstairs, aku punya tangan rasa macam nak lempang je muka dia.

Arghhhh geram sial

i'm watching you...
Sunday, February 29, 2004

___________________________________________

Saturday, February 28, 2004

Just finished reading this book, Very Virile Viking by Sandra Hill. Funny, exciting, the sex parts not extremely vulgar. Going to look for more of her books. I'm into crime - real or fiction - fast-paced humourous romance. I'm over Mills and Boons. Aku rasa tu more suitable for growing teens. Memboringkan. I more often than not skipped a few pages just to make the tedious ordeal end.

My gum swollen up. Rasa macam ada barang stuck in between my back teeth but of course that's nothing. And my headache still persists. Asek tampal koyok je macam nenek-nenek siak aku

It's raining heavily now. Nice time for cuddling and making love huh

i'm watching you...
Saturday, February 28, 2004

___________________________________________

Friday, February 27, 2004

You remind me so of a bitch I once knew. I hope you don't turn out to be exactly like her. That would be like so deja vu sial.

Pala aku masih nyut-nyut. Sial lah. Tapi masih sempat dapat orgasm tadi

Ash said " u ni eh ma..jangan seduce papa lah". I was like huh

Bila siak? I was lying beside him on the bed, trying to go to sleep so I forget about my headache and patting his hip to lull me to sleep and he took my hand and put it on his dick. Who seduced who eh? He said after finished buat keje...lain kali jangan sentuh dia. "I am very sensitive to your touch lah mama". Yeah right pa. I didn't do anything. It's all your fault but it took that as a compliment. I don't have to work too hard to make you turn on

Tomorrow I am going to work. Sunday too. I should rest I know but I am so restless just lazing round at home. Yeah I heard somebody say..."tolong lah mak mertua ko buat keje umah" but I don't like housework. I do what I like to do. When I do what I like, I do it better. Even when I don't do housework I look like a maid. Tak caya? Meh datang umah aku and see.

i'm watching you...
Friday, February 27, 2004

___________________________________________

elos anis...

im not sure if i can address ya by name cos im way younger than ya... but but kalau address ya kakak takot uncomfy pulak.. ok lar cut all the shite crap, i stumbled upon ur blog 2 wks ago frm the blogger updates... one of those otak mati lar so been bloghoppin.. i saved ur blog under ma fav cos i fuckin dig readin ur stuff... i noticed most of the time ppl choose to tapis their vocabs in blogs but but ur frankness caught ma attn... *thumbs up*

im frm spore, keturunan setengah lanun and setengah jawa, umor dopuloh empat sen and now tgh belajar kat sydney... i thot of leavin ya a msg on ur tagboard but but mcm kinda kong ajar pulak kalau tak memperkenalkan diri dulu lar.. i just wanna be frens with ya if ya don't mind that is... :)

thankiu anis for ur time readin this email... i really appreciate it~

I read that email this morning. Kembang aku jap. It's appreciative comments like this that make my day...that encourage me to be more honest than ever.

Thanx Nisa for your hand in friendship. When you come back home, maybe we could meet up or something like that huh? Nak my autograph sekali tak?

Ash is coming home later. He's taking half day off. His leg must be that painful for him to go home. There is a lump behind his knees. Swollen I guess. Yesterday night I rubbed some minyak panas on it. I thought it shrunk slightly this morning. I could be wrong. Sian laki aku

i'm watching you...
Friday, February 27, 2004

___________________________________________

By the way I made another blog. If you find it, before you read it, forgive me first because in that blog I might hurt your feelings. I decided to be totally harsh in that. Very intense, very full of anger and hate. I apologised for any pain I might cause.

i'm watching you...
Friday, February 27, 2004

___________________________________________

Just back from the dentist. Terkopak duit aku $94. Ash gave me $50 je. Yang belen aku korek dari tabung. I had to go home lah nak amik duit tu. Nasib baik ada tabung. Kalau tak aku nak kena dok depan pintu klinik mintak derma

The dentist and her assistant were nice though. They tried to make me relax and comfortable as much as they could. The dentist said I had good teeth. Good for me bad for her, she said. It took a while to pull out the reject tooth.

Asked the assistant about the braces. About $2000 she said but can pay installments. She suggested I do the upper teeth only. Should I? I should huh? See how lah. I want to look presentable at least. Mana tau dah bukak braces aku jembu ke pe. Iron maiden wannabe aku

i'm watching you...
Friday, February 27, 2004

___________________________________________

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Semalam sakit kepala...hari ni sakit gigi pulak. Was already at the dentist but dia dah kena fully booked so I made an appointment for tomorrow morning. Yeahhhhh besok MC

I do feel guilty lah pasal because of me Ash decided not to take OT but apa boleh buat..duit pada dia. If I got my pay aku tak susahkan dia tadi. I'm sorry eh papa. I saw you coming to me tadi kat CP unsmiling and all my excitement at seeing you vanished. You know me well kan...always thinking nonsense most of the time. So tadi I thought you tak happy that I dragged you away from your work. If I told you what I felt you would say I mepek (and most probably I was) so better shut my trap before I say anything stupid. Anyway thanks. I know you love me even if sometimes you seem oblivious to my presence. That's ok. As long as you hold me until I go to sleep, that's fine with me.

Two days ago, mak tepon at midnight. Abang uncle meninggal. Quite sudden i guess. Tak tau pulak sakit apa. She called pasal nak duit. Kalau dia mintak $10-$20 maybe I won't get so worked up. Ni mintak sampai $50. Mana siak aku nak gi cari duit? Aku belum gaji pe. And then she expected me to go to her place early in the morning before I go to work. Mana sempat? Kira aku nak kena keluar early..and take the first bus from Woodlands eh?

Ya Allah mak...kalau orang meninggal, kita gi melawat pun dah bagus. Orang tau pe mak dengan uncle tak keje so tak kan dorang nak harapkan duit mak pulak kan?

Then next morning when I related the story to Ash, kita ended up arguing. He told me to sit my mom down and tell her about how much my pay is. I never like to do that because aku kena label bodoh dengan mak sendiri even when what I said was the truth. So what's the point? Ash suruh tanya dia where the money go and I recoiled at the thought of even thinking about asking the question. I told him off. I have never ask her about whatever money she had. Nak mintak dia $1 pun aku malu. Unless I am real desperate baru lah aku berani mintak pinjam.

I know Ash was saying what he said because he hates seeing me troubled and maybe one day I would talk to her. I just shy at the thought of sitting down and have an adult conversation with my parents. Maklum lah mak aku never saw me as a almost 32-year-old woman.

Incoming headache.

i'm watching you...
Thursday, February 26, 2004

___________________________________________

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Just finished reading all the listed blogs.

No it's not because of all the reading. It's because of the beladi air con. Aku mana boleh kena air con direct kat muka aku. Ash ni pun..dah on air con satu hal, dia on kipas lagi. Aku sejuk siak sampai birat jari kaki aku.

Watching American Idol. Much as I would like to hate Simon, I cannot lah. I think his criticisms are good even though sometimes extremely hurtful because some of the contestants are asking for it by being so goddamn over confident. Suara kalau sedap tak pe.

Really bad headache. Nak gi buat taik mata as soon as I iron Ash's uniform.

i'm watching you...
Wednesday, February 25, 2004

___________________________________________

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Today my mind is not crammed with crap to bitch kat dalam blog. Very unusual. But peaceful. For once.

Tadi balik keje singgah kat Cold Storage beli black pepper chicken for lunch tomolo. Taste better when it's hot so in the fridge tonight ayam tu tido

Been a good girl today. Had so much fun with Ash on the way home. I laughed so hard I almost fart tapi I didn't. Buntut aku educated nyer buntut pe.Wonder why I just can't fart depan Ash...unless tak sengaja lah. The reason I don't fart depan dia is because it stinks big time

Once mak aku terkena bau wangi tu masa we were at This Fashion store at Jurong Point. Dia uwek-uwek all the way home siak

She asked me bangkai apa yang aku makan.

Really eh aku tarak citer. I am simply relating what happened je tadi. Macam report strength kat parole officer gitu. Tido pun bagus. I am like not me lah malam ni. Must be all that OT. before I go, aku macam nak buat geder-geder gitu tapi too lazy nak gi organise. Nak geder dengan sapa? Budak chat? Budak blog? Budak watai? To geder or not to geder...that's the question

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, February 24, 2004

___________________________________________

This week is Camelia-reprimanding day. Next week dia dah exam. Important exam sebab might decide her streaming next year and yet dia malas nak study. Pak kal lah dia ni bukan anak sedara aku sendiri...kalau iye, aku tak cakap manyak. Kaki tangan jalan dulu baru boleh berbual. Ash selalu darah up when dia dapat tau tu anak malas-malas belajar. More blood go upstairs bila mak dia jadi defender. Tu hari defend her son...hari ni defend cucu dia pulak

A guy from past yahoo chatlife told me our mutual girlfriend got married and has a daughter now. Seriously I don't fakking care. Ngaku je sista tapi nikah tak jemput aku. She told the guy she lost my address. Fak hell! Mintak alamat tau email aku. Apa salah email lagi and ask again? All bloody lame excuses. Yang jantan ni pun nak jadi makcik bawak blok. Aku nak carutkan je. Why the fak even bother nak gi layan since she married somebody else? And the excuse she gave was because of this guy lah dia kawin lain. Napa lah tak ngaku je puki gatal nak mantat dengan konek lain? At least honest pe kan. Yang member jantan aku ni pulak kena saiko sikit je konek keras otak mati. Umur je tua tapi still think with the dick instead of the brain. What a loser!

Tadi pagi topic of discussion on the morning show about pre-marital sex. Thought I gave my free-of-charge opinion. I'm neutral about this. Not approving or disapproving. I think we should do the horizontal bop with the person we are in love with...when we are absolutely sure that he or she is THE ONE...the person we are going to be with for the next 50-60 years.

Sekarang orang dah pikiran moden. Budak-budak sekarang dah canggih dari budak-budak zaman aku. Adik-adik sekalian...akak bukan nak au-au but if you really want to do it, have the common sense to practise safe sex huh? Heard too many cases when the girls got themselves pregnant. Macam mana lah nak jaga anak kalau diri sendiri tak terurus...masih lagi ditanggung mak bapak? To me it's sad lah. Muda-muda lagi dah kena bogged down with kids yang at a glance more like adik than anak. Sian kan?

As for me, I choose to be celibate. Not exactly a monk because I do get orgasms often. Me and Ash, we made a pact during our early months of courting. No poking business until he sign on the dotted line at ROMM. For once I want to do something right - have kids within marriage. I'm lucky he's not the butoh miskin type. He respects my decision and so he waits patiently. Ntah sampai bila eh papa?

I should bought myself a laptop lah so kat pat keje aku boleh blog...(like some people I know). I always got so many things on my mind that I want to blog in here but by the time aku sampai umah, otak blank. Pundek betul! Kalau aku beli laptop nak cocok kat mana? Dalam cleanroom ada internal phone line je. Tak kan nak cocok wayar kat jubo aku pulak

Stll don't have time to add links to my site. I hope by this week lah. MAcam malas pun ada macam penat pun ada. See how lah.

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, February 24, 2004

___________________________________________

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Been blog-hopping for like 2-3 hours? I'm not sure but I know I was doing that for a long time. Aku baru place number site meter. The previous tarak numbers just the logo. So as you can see the number of people who visit my site is erkkk...small...very very small

Nevermind. Better late than aku tak buat langsung kan.

i'm watching you...
Sunday, February 22, 2004

___________________________________________

From an email I got to read

What Kind Of Friend Are U..?

ARIES

Your friendship must be warm and on the level. Let me put it this way, You are a fine friend and a formidable foe. With Aries, things are never done by halves. Aries expects total devotion and sincerity in friendship. In turn, he/she extends a loving and strong hand.

TAURUS

A good friend, though not a particularly brilliant one. Many times,family members and close relatives end up as friends. Yes, a Taurean can give himself/herself freely with time, and money, and practical advise.The Taurean likes friends, to be happy and in comfort. The Taurean hates to lose a friend, as the attachment is strong, and will often go out of the way to maintain a relationship. Taurean can be patient, persuasive,persistent with friends.

GEMINI

An amusing friend and according to me a good one. Gemini can return love,responds beautifully to a little appreciation. Gemini often feels-but wrongly so-that others don't do enough for him/her. You're young at heart, you could be the life of a group.Whatever others might say about you, I do maintain that you excel in human relationships.

CANCER

Your loyalty and attachments to people make you a friend worth his or her weight in gold. However, see that you do not expect too much out of friendship. Always ready to give, you are likely to be bitterly disappointed when friends do not live up to your own image of them. However, you will seldom cut your friendship ties and do much more for friends than they did for you. A good, solid friend!

LEO

As a friend you are worth your weight in pure gold. Leo is a mighty good friend. He/She does not ditch people. Leo is very warm and sincere.Your idealism and romanticism comes through very strongly here. Blessed is the person who has a Leo friend.

VIRGO

Understand, Virgo, that yours is a sign of service and communal living.It is a humane sign. Therefore, you need friends, though you may acknowledge it. In friendship, Virgo is at his best. Virgo may not be a hearty type. But Virgo will be steady and extremely reliable as a friend. Whatever advice and suggestions Virgo gives will be practical and to the point. Virgo hates to break off any relationship. A Virgo friend is a solid friend. He/She is worth the price in platinum.

LIBRA

You can give good advice to a friend and any friend who follows up will never come to grief. But if you expect Libra to give the heart also, you could be disillusioned. This does not mean that Libra is cold. It only means that you Libreans are often detached. You can be a good friend. It only means that one should not expect the impossible from a Libra. But Libra is excellent company. Libra has finesse and grace. Let me say,Libra is the lubricant in all human relationship.

SCORPIO

There's explosive element here, pure dynamite, if you ask me. However good friend you may be - and you are good - do not be secretive and wear a mask. Yes,you are discriminative in friendship and psychologically speaking,a disturbed family background, sometimes tragically so, is responsible for it. In friendships, you are intensely loyal. Though you do and can appear detached, you are ultra-sensitive, specially in pride and self-respect. You are a little too over-bearing, never a happy ground for a stable friendship. Secrets will be well kept. Do not attach too much importance to minor lapses on the part of friends. You could be betrayed, resulting in a complete severing of all ties.

SAGITTARIUS

Generous to a fault and very helpful, you evidently make a good friend. If friends follow your advise they will be happy. Yes, you can guide them very well. Your intuition comes into full play in friendship. You will do more for them than they do for you. Even if your friends fail you - and many of them will - there will be no resentment and hatred. But your own prejudices will blind you on many occasions. With Sagittarius likes and dislikes are intense.

Capricorn

Once the initial hurdles are crossed, you will prove to be the old faithful. See that snobbery does not come into the way of true friendship. While you may not be very tactful and polished in your manners and talk,you won't fail a friend in an emergency. Try to reach out more, please.

AQUARIUS

Aquarians can be better counselors than friends. The reason is that, though emotionally involved, they can think clearly and visualize situations and problems creatively. As yours is the sign of friendship, It do predict that your friends will receive both warmth and guidance from you.

PISCES

A good friend ,humane, understanding, if slightly unconventional. Yes, you can understand a person intuitively, help him without a show of exuberance.The friendship may have an unworldly touch about it. But your advise should be worth following. A word of warning. Do not expect the impossible here. People have feet of clay and so, I am afraid, do you. Accept them for what they are worth, and let not idealism crowd judgement your innate grace and diplomacy could help save an unpleasant situation.

i'm watching you...
Sunday, February 22, 2004

___________________________________________

You are Spearmint.
You are quick-witted and sharp. You pay close
attention to details and you can tell what your
friends are feeling. You are always the first
to understand a joke and you are valued for
your insight and advice. However, you
sometimes isolate yourself from other people,
afraid to share your own feelings.
Most Compatible With: Cinnamon

Which Tic-Tac Flavor Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

i'm watching you...
Sunday, February 22, 2004

___________________________________________

Saturday, February 21, 2004

I just want to apologise to the other bloggers for not singgahing your sites for so long. I'm half way through the list. Ngantok siak...

Was thinking about adding some more links...but the question is terlarat ke aku nak gi baca sume?

Anyway for those of you yang did singgah pat sini,

. Special mention...Shazila for your comments about my blog. Make me kembang-kembang hidung and my butt makin jack

i'm watching you...
Saturday, February 21, 2004

___________________________________________

Friday, February 20, 2004

Found yourself in a sticky situation that you can't get out of? I just did when Ash dengan mak dia bertekak pasal abang dia. I kept silent when they were arguing. Aku nak kata apa? I'm still not yet married to Ash. Even if I am, I feel uncomfortable involving myself in their family feud.

Maybe I am biased pasal Ash tu tunang aku but really I think his mother is defending the elder son when it's so obvious he is never gonna change even after marriage. Mak dia gi balik asek suruh Ash sabar and I understand why Ash got all worked up. He has been patient for months and yet still no difference. He thought once married, abang dia ubah perangai malas dia...and work hard for his own family, get own house, have own kids...Tu sume dalam mimpi je lah boleh terjadi. In real life...no.

Whatever Ash said tadi dengan mak dia...it's all masuk akal. He really can't pay up the house monthly payment. $700...mana nak gi cari? Dah lah keje office hour. Like I said before there is no allowances. OT pun kadang-kadang. Mana nak bayar bil umah...groceries...sakit sial pala pikir.

I tried to be the peacemaker. I don't like him quarreling with the mother. Aku macam pobia lah kalau orang gadoh-gadoh since anak mak aku buat hal. Mak dia pun stubborn like oven. Forever kata sabar sabar sabar. Sampai bila? Dorang sume tau Ash nyer condition. Takkan dia nak gi support his brother AND wife pulak. Sebab tu aku kata...keje blum betul pehal nak gi pikir-pikir pasal kawin? Diri sendiri jalan senget ada hati nak kasi makan anak orang?

Aku really tak setuju dengan cara mak Ash mintak duit. Mintak memang mesti tapi...kelakar kan mintak duit dengan menantu. Sapa tanggung sapa ni?
Bini tanggung laki ke pe? It's like I'm seeing my own mother being defensive about the son in spite of what he had done. Come on lah mothers...I know they are your sons but can't you see that dorang tak abis-abis nyusahkan orang?

Told Ash he can't talk to his brother garang-garang. Silap haribulan laki aku kena trajang siak. Kalau dia sehat macam dulu tak pe...aku jadi his cheerleader

Something else on my mind. A blogger's journal was evaded by some maderfakker yang tak puas hati dengan dia. I was just wondering...if you hate that person so...why even bother singgah kat website dia eh? Telling stories...put them down. It doesn't matter if the stories are true or false. What is the motive? Nak malukan orang tu? So what if they had a past? Everybody did something stupid when they were younger. I did too...Aku shoplifted singgam when I was 9-10. Pakat dengan anak mak aku. That doesn't mean I was going to be thief bila aku dah besar pe. Doesn't matter if you were an ex-convict ke...budak DRC ke...perompak ke...whatever lah...It does matter whether you learn from that experience...whether you want to be a new person...turn over a new leaf...be a model citizen.

Ikut macam aku...kalau dah tak suka somebody, aku tak berbual..aku tak mau tengok muka dia. If I had to...absolutely necessary baru lah aku nak bukak mulut. Kalau tak...dia boleh pi mampos. Doesn't matter lah sapa orang yang aku tak berkenan tu. Kawan ke...adik ke...sedara ke...Buat pe nak bual manyak? Menyakitkan hati kan?? So whoever yang meluat dengan aku...dipersilakan... JANGAN SINGGAH SINI

i'm watching you...
Friday, February 20, 2004

___________________________________________

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Kebas this from Nana's blog. Dia kebas from somebody else.

1. You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and
free.

2. In the process of courtship, the approach that would make you
feel irresistable is straight-forward, just tell you he/she
loves you.

3. The impression you would like to give to your lover is stylish.

4. You don't like it when your partner is emotional and/or too
moody; and you don't know how to please him/her.

5. The kind of relationship you would like to build with your
partner is one that you care not only about the present but
also the future with your partner, a long-lasting relationship
that you can grow with.

6. You care about the society and morality, you won't do anything
wrong after marriage.

7. You think of marriage as a precious thing. Once you get married,
you'll treasure it and your partner very much.

8. At this moment, you think of love as a committment for both parties.

Got me thinking there...

Got this from my e mail...I am a lion...hear me meowwwwwwwwwww

Birthdays: (Look below for your characteristics)

January 01 - 09 ~ Dog
January 10 - 24 ~ Mouse
January 25 - 31 ~ Lion

February 01 - 05 ~ Cat
February 06 - 14 ~ Dove
February 15 - 21 ~ Turtle
February 22 - 28 ~ Panther

March 01 - 12 ~ Monkey
March 13 - 15 ~ Lion
March 16 - 23 ~ Mouse
March 24 - 31 ~ Cat

April 01 - 03 ~ Dog
April 04 - 14 ~ Panther
April 15 - 26 ~ Mouse
April 27 - 30 ~ Turtle

May 01 - 13 ~ Monkey
May 14 - 21 ~ Dove
May 22 - 31 ~ Lion

June 01 - 03 ~ Mouse
June 04 - 14 ~ Turtle
June 15 - 20 ~ Dog
June 21 - 24 ~ Monkey
June 25 - 30 ~ Cat

July 01 - 09 ~ Mouse
July 10 - 15 ~ Dog
July 16 - 26 ~ Dove
July 27 - 31 ~ Cat

August 01 - 15 ~ Monkey
August 16 - 25 ~ Mouse
August 26 - 31 ~ Turtle

September 01 - 14 ~ Dove
September 15 - 27 ~ Cat
September 28 - 30 ~ Dog

October 01 - 15 ~ Monkey
October 16 - 27 ~ Turtle
October 28 - 31 ~ Panther

November 01 - 16 ~ Lion
November 17 - 30 ~ Cat

December 01 - 16 ~ Dog
December 17 - 25 ~ Monkey
December 26 - 31 ~ Dove

If you are a Dog: A very loyal and sweet person.Your loyalty can never be doubted. You are quite honest and sincere when it comes to your attitude towards working. You are a very simple person, indeed. Absolutely hassle free, humble and down-to-earth!! That explains the reason why your friends cling on to you! You have a good taste for clothes. If your wardrobe is not updated with what is trendy, you sure are depressed. Popular and easy-going. You have a little group of dignified friends,all of them being quality-personified.

If you are a Mouse: Always up to some sort of a mischief! The mischievous gleam in your eyes is what makes you so cute and attractive to everyone. You are an extremely fun-to-be-with kind of person. No wonder, people seek for your company and look forward to include you for all get-togethers. However, you are sensitive, which is a drawback. People need to select their words while talking to you. If someone tries to fiddle around and play with words while dealing with you, it is enough to invite your wrath. God bless the person then!

If you are a Lion: Quite contradictory to your name, you are a peace loving person. You best try to avoid a situation wherein you are required to fight. An outdoor person, you dislike sitting at one place for a long duration. You are a born leader, and have it in you how to tactfully derive work from people. You love being loved, and when you receive your share of limelight from someone, you are all theirs!!!! Well, well... hence some people could even take an advantage, flatter you to the maximum and get their work done. So be careful.....

If you are a Cat: An extremely lovable, adorable person, sometimes shy,with a passion for quick wit. At times, you prefer quietness. You love exploring various things and going into depth of each thing. Under normal circumstances you're cool, when given a reason to, you are like a volcano waiting to erupt. You're a fashion bird. People look forward to you as an icon associated with fashion. Basically, you mingle along freely but don't like talking much to strangers. People feel very easy in your company. You observe care in choosing your friends.

If you are a Turtle: You are near to perfect and nice at heart.The examples of your kindness are always circulated in groups of people.You, too, love peace. You wouldn't like to retaliate even to a person who is in the wrong. You are loved due to this. You do not wish to talk behind one's back. People love the way you always treat them. You can give, give and give love, and the best part is that you do not expect it back in return.You are generous enough.Seeing things in a practical light is what remains the best trait of you guys.

If you are a Dove: You symbolize a very happy-go-lucky approach in life.Whatever the surroundings may be, grim or cheerful, you remain unaffected.In fact, you spread cheer wherever you go. You are the leader of your group of friends and good at consoling people in their times of need. You dislike hypocrisy and tend to shirk away from hypocrites. They can never be in your good books, no matter what. You are very methodical and organized in your work. No amount of mess, hence, can ever encompass you. Beware, it is easy for you to fall in love....

If you are a Panther: You are mysterious. You are someone who can handle pressure with ease, and can handle any atmosphere without going berserk.You can be mean at times, and love to gossip with your selected group.Very prim and proper. You like all situations and things to be in the way you desire, which, sometimes is not possible. As a result, you may lose out in some relationships. But otherwise, you love to help people out from difficult and tight spots when they really need you.

If you are a Monkey: Very impatient and hyper!!! You want things to be done as quick as possible. At heart, you are quite simple and love if you are the center of attraction. That way, you people are unique. You would like to keep yourself safe from all the angles. Shall your name be dragged or featured in any sort of a controversy, you then go all panicky. Therefore, you take your precautions from the very beginning. When you foresee anything wrong, your sixth sense is what saves you from falling in traps. Quite a money minded bunch you people are!

i'm watching you...
Wednesday, February 18, 2004

___________________________________________

I had been thinking tadi while at work. Maybe I should go and take up a new hobby or something. Been too engrossed with work sampai tarak masa for fun. Class 95 is organising a wakeboarding adventure session come March. If I know how to swim, I might go try that but alas! I ain't no swimmer pasal mak aku forbade her kids from doing any strenuous activities

but I understood why. We kids were recovering from life-threatening events - him with his heart full of water...me with a burst very-important blood vessel...or vein...or something like that. Aku pun tak pasti lah.

Anyway...besides swimming, I really like to learn how to inline skating. I thought that is such a cool sport. I could just imagine myself at East Coast...dengan my shorts...my tank top...earphone plugged to the walkman in my ears. Wahhhh so cool leh! I could also imagine myself black-and-blue with all the bumps and falls pasal nak belajar roller blade punya pasal

No pain no gain maaaaaa.

Member aku macam siak. She suggested that I go learn flower arrangement or...what's the other thing eh dia kata? Dah lupa...The things yang dia suruh aku learn tu are the two I don't like to be involved in. Aku tak boleh siak bayangkan diri aku ni yang kasar macam jantan surrounded by flowers

That is just not me. I don't mind cooking but aku really have no confidence in that. Maybe because nobody ever praise my cooking. I think I can cook but I don't like people hovering around the kitchen masa aku tengah masa. Pressure siak. The only time mak puji masakan aku was when I was still married...and aku masak lauk korma ayam. She said "pandai jugak anak aku masak". That was the only time dia puji aku. Such a long time ago. Maybe I should try and asah skill masak aku. Mak aku pun dulu masa mula-mula kawin tak tau masak. She learnt through trial and error and she's a good cook now. At least by my standard lah.

I don't think Ash read my blog. Nabey eh papa

Such a waste when I praised you...I wish you hepi besdey...and you don't read

i'm watching you...
Wednesday, February 18, 2004

___________________________________________

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

On half day leave today, ikut Ash go for interview nak dapatkan temporary passport dia. Because of something he can't have a international passport. No need to ask why because it's a private thing. Tomorrow dah boleh collect but since we are both going to work, kita collect on Saturday je. Yeahhhhhh

dah boleh gi lepak-lepak kat JB...KL (my favourite place to get drunk and become a dancing queen)...Melaka (his mom's birthplace)...Kluang (my dad's home).

Two days ago a couple of chat friends came over my place. It has been such a long time since I entertain friends. I think the last time was with sapa lagi - cibai mengong, Nana lah. That two people is are really dating each other. The g uy reminded me so much of my mother's son with the arrogant way he talked...the chauvinistic behaviour. You know I really can't stand jantan yang have this thinking that apa yang dorang buat sume betul but if we girls do the same thing as them, dorang marah, merajuk lah macam mat kental buah peler. Member aku nyer jantan ni asek tuduh dia ada skendel sana-sini when I'm sure it's the other way round. Besoknya the gurl komplen yang jantan dia au-au kat bawah blok. I told her off...I told her she is so weak in the spine her boyfriend is walking all over her like a doormat. I taught her to speak up...to tell him to fak off if he didn't believe her even when she was telling the truth. If not, make his accusations real baru padan muka dia. I think I was frothing at the mouth teaching her to rebel...tapi tu pompan kan....really make me feel as if aku ni waste time. Au-au lebih tapi actions tarak.

Ohhh I just remember. Besok is my baby's besdey.

in advance. Knowing myself I sure forget so before I do, I wanna wish you a merry besdey papa. You already know I love you so...and yesh I'm gonna get you something for your besdey tapi you have to wait lah until end of the month when I get paid

P.S.Had one of the most amazing orgasm tadi...courtesy of my baby

i'm watching you...
Tuesday, February 17, 2004

___________________________________________

Saturday, February 14, 2004

Tired so tired. Today manyak events happening. Somebody getting engaged, somebody geting married, somebody celebrating besdey, everybody invited me but I can't go though I really wanted to

I'm sorry...but I have for once this time be just a little selfish. I have to work...for my parents...for Ash...for me.

Nana..I'll make it up to you next time ok? I really am sorry I can't make it but i have to work...kalau tak...dapor umah mak aku tak berasap

I got into a tiff with a friend a couple of days ago. Nak dengar citer? It's like this...There was one time aku and 2 of my gal pals...with Ash and a gal pal's boyfriend gi clubbing. I invited a few people but yang datang cuma sekor...somebody I know for some time but not close enough. Anyway dia datang with somebody's sister...that somebody yang ada hal dengan my good friend. I got nothing against the sister however and aku tak tau lah what made them think kita sume buang muka dengan dia. Firstly...nobody knows...let's call him M, that friend of mine...nobody knows him. Me and another girl kenal lah that girl yang dia bawak. Secondly...I already told him I am by nature shy and reserved during first meetings. I am totally unlike the persona people know in chatroom. I tried explaining to him but I think he was still pissed off. Aku dah mintak maap...took all the blame...but still dia tak puas hati. Maybe dia nak aku isap konek dia...jilat pantat dia..then dia happy agaknya

You know what...to make the citer pendek, I am deleting his number now. Tak payah nak waste handphone phone book space. In fact I'm thinking about deleting every number yang aku ada. Buat pe simpan number orang yang obviously tak ada masa even to sms aku?

The other friend who claimed to be my buddy lagi macam sial. Bila aku tanya napa dah lama tak sms aku...dia bleh kata yang dia tak kosa nak sms-sms...penatkan jari lah...nak cut cost lah. Aku dengan cepat reply balik...kalau nak cut cost lagi, senang aje terminate je handphone line. Terus diam. Padan muka. Isn't what I told him the right thing to do? If you want to save cost, just throw the handphone in the river...cut off the line. Kaninabucaucibai. Macam gini punya memberz pun aku simpan eh?

After that minor disagreement, it got me thinking jap. Why is it eh all..ok maybe most...of my friends desert me when I needed them the most? Busy dengan family lah...busy dengan keje...dengan laki...busy busy busy. I mean aku pun busy jugak but I try to make time for people I called friends. Am I a lousy friend-picker or what? Right now the only constant friend that I have is Ash lah. Dia yang selalu dengar aku au-au kat telinga dia

...dia yang selalu nampak airmata aku

...yang selalu soothe aku when I'm feeling so down

...yang always there when I need company.

In times like this, I found myself missing you so. I miss all that bitching sessions we had, the lepak and makan trips, the beach excursions. I miss the times when we always know what the other was going to say, we finished each other sentences. My mistake was being too loyal to you, so loyal that I blinded myself to your faults even when they slapped me in my face. I refused to hear anything bad about you. I defended you when people put you down...and you did the same for me. Everyone knew how close we were. And it hurts when u damned me so. I made a mistake...who doesn't? I forgave you for every unkind and harsh words you said in my face...why can't you? You hurt me so that I'm phobic at having that kind of friendship anymore.

Nobody is my best friend now. Good friends yes...best friend nope. (Erkkk I forget...papa...you lah my best friend

)

i'm watching you...
Saturday, February 14, 2004

___________________________________________

Monday, February 09, 2004

Had a tiff with Ash very early this morning. I had a nightmare about the house being haunted (must be that Gothika film's fault

) and I woke up scared

...and so I turned to him for comfort. Instead of reassuring me everything was ok, he scolded me for waking him up. He said it was hard enough for him to go sleep. God, that hurts me bad. I cried to sleep and he either didn't care or oblivious to my sobbing. When I was getting ready for work, I didn't wake him up. He woke himself up. I already made his tea...I didn't talk much. I didn't even want to see the face who cut my heart just a few hours ago. I kissed him when I left...and he called me but I refused to answer. I walked out of the house with tears in my eyes. Downstairs, I smsed him that I left him a note and told him to read it. After apparently reading it, he smsed back to me saying I didn't understand him but he accepted whatever I said and apologised if he hurt me.

This got me thinking. Why the hell be with me if I bother him too much? The first thought that came to mind was to go home and leave him alone for a few days to sweat it out. The other was to just force him to break up with me. No point kan aku around here..loitering if my presence is like a thorn in his flesh. He didn't even bother to call me tadi. 45 minutes before I finished work, he smsed me to ask what time I would be home. Why can't he just dial my number and talk to me? What is the damn handphone for if he ain't gonna call me? He didn't go to work today and yet he expected ME to call him.

You know papa...if I didn't love you so goddamn much, I would have told you to fak off and leave me alone. I'm tired of being put in second place everywhere I go - from my father to my mother....and now you. Why can't you understand that all I ever want and need from you is your attention and love. That's all I'm asking from you. Is it so hard to put your arms around me and hold me till I close my eyes for the day? Is my touch so repulsive to you that everytime I put my arms around you, you move away? What did or didn't I do for you? Did I do enough? Or am I doing it too much?

I have never told you this but everytime we quarrel, I always ended up hating myself so much for not pleasing you. I wanted so much to be the perfect woman for you but I can't. No one is ever perfect...not even you. I still feel like shit now...while you were eating the putu piring. I don't want to talk to you much..I don't want to look you in the eye. Think I'm gonna be quiet and not say anything at all

i'm watching you...
Monday, February 09, 2004

___________________________________________

Sunday, February 08, 2004

Baru nak senang-senang sket something crops up

When I was still a married woman, my then husband pelihara 2 ekor biawak hidup - his brother and his cuckoo uncle. My intention was to bring his mother je but he wanted the other 2 bums along. I won't mind if at least dorang tolong-tolong around the house - pay the bills ke, kemas umah ke...anything lah yang meringankan beban kita laki bini. Kita kena tanggung dorang nyer makan lagi ada. Kanina sial.

Now history repeats itself. Ash pulak tanggung sekor biawak hidup. This month we kinda short on cash due to the change in his salary. He is no longer working on shifts so no shift allowances, no meal allowances, no transport allowances. What he gets is less than he usually does. I don't want to au-au but really...what with my parents' bills...Ash's bills...I don't know how we are gonna make it through the end of this month. Sakit ahhh pala aku

Might as well go ahead and bitch. I don't mind you staying with Ash. Really I don't but pakai otak lah. Dah tentu-tentu adik ko nak kena bayar ini itu...tanggung mak korang, sekolahkan anak sedara korang...tanggung aku lagi...napa eh tak mau tolong dia bayar something? You think ko kasi dia $150 ntah bulan baper nyer ntah...ingat cukup ke? You go out...you find any rooms you can rent with that kind of money. If you can find such room...bleh spit on my face. Kat luar standard rental price per room is about $400-$450. Think what your brother can do with that kind of money. I don't even know whether you are working or not. Macam keje macam tak je.

You are a married man for god's sakes...behave lah like one. You got your own family...go and take care of them. Don't expect your mother...your brother to help you out in every financial crisis you face. Go solve your own problems and quit dumping them on your mom and sibling. I wish I could just tell you off but who the fuck am I in this family? Nothing...I'm just your brother's fiancee je. Aku pun tak tau camne nak cakap. I know what it feels like to stay in people's homes. I'm not used to be so harsh so unfeeling so unkind as to sindir-sindir ke apa.

I know it's hard having a ready made family but it's your fault. You only have yourself to blame. Tak de sapa pun paksa ko kawin in such a short space of time. You are older than me but you never think ahead. You married when you were still not financially stable. You know I think you want to be depended on Ash...for some time to come...baper lama aku tak tau. Ko sedap-sedap mantat...adik ko terkial-kial pecahkan pala otak pikir macam mana nak gi pay off bills...with the condition he is in. Even his job now is on rocky ground. Ntah lama ntah tak. Ko mana nak amik tau ni sume. Ko asek berkepit dengan tempek bini ko je.

And you papa...ada problem je...tau nak tengking-tengking aku. I hate it when ypu point your finger at me...and you know that. That rankled me so much. Go vent your anger at the people yang deserve to be scolded. You know how much I hated being forced to do something I didn't want to do and you can't quit pestering do you? Sunday is the only time I can rest my body and mind after working 6 days this week. I am already looking forward to staying in today. You want me to go with your mom to Shng Shiong...while you make your balls bigger at home? You don't have to work OT...you don't need to take public transport all the way home (except naik feeder bus from CP to home). You think you alone penat keje and I'm not? I'm working OT because of us, because I know kalau aku tak OT we don't have enough cash in our hands. I was just suggesting that one day kita gi on a sea cruise. I'm not asking to go now ke besok ke. I mean if we got extra money boleh lah try on that cruise. You don't have to show distaste on your face. Am I demanding that we go? Did I keep on pestering that we should go? No kan? It was just a damn beladi fakking suggestion je

Nasib baik mak tak tepon-tepon mintak duit. At least I'm saved from that

Does all these rantings help me cleanse my system? Not really...but at least I get to vent my anger. Nak try to sleep it off lah.

i'm watching you...
Sunday, February 08, 2004

___________________________________________